of meditations

every year i get a little less romantic about my theories on life.
not to long ago, i used to think that there was a right anwser to every problem. that there was a "meant to be". i still find myself thinking this way when a friend has a problem and im striving to find THE words to make them feel better. its like their problems are a locked door and there is only one key. but im starting to figure out that maybe there isnt just one anwser. maybe there isnt one at all. or maybe in some situations there IS only one anwser. but life isnt black and white. i believe in right and wrong, although why im not sure. its something along the lines of treat others as i would want to be treated myself. anyways, im getting off the point. i used to think that there was a higher power, some sort of fate, and that we would only be happy if we followed the one plan. but thiking about that now, im pretty sure its a load of rubbish. im scientifically minded. i believe in the darwin theory. the only path is the one where we all survive. i believe humans are just really smart animals. my only problem with this theory is that if everything else in the world balances out, why dont why? why are we doing everything in our power to unbalance our world. this is probably one of the ONLY things that will make me question whether or not we a creatures of nature. where does life come from? well... i like to think its always been here. no energy is created, simply transformed. the only reason people have a problem with this is because our minds just cant fathom "forever". at least, mine cant. but to me, just because we cant understand it, doesnt mean its impossible. its just one of those dimensions of thought we have no experience in.

anyways, in day to day life, i forget about most of what, when i seriously think about it, i fundementaly believe in. i still catch myself thinking that there are black and white decisions out there, only one leading to happiness, others to doom. maybe all have the possibility to be great. maybe there is no such thing as a right choice, but simply our perpective on them. see... im still thinking in terms of right and wrong. the back of my mind is still thinking "i wonder which of these theories is right..." maybe they can all be. figure it out.

thats another thing. i think you can talk until you're blue in the face to someone but the only way they will come to REALLY realis and accept something is if they figure it out themselves. you can help the process but you cant force it. or maybe just i cant.... try it and let me know!

sometimes when im sitting alone i have a kind of... narration in the back of my head. its like im writing in here except its just words in my head. not even a voice really. just words. (i wonder if this is healthy (there is no right anwser!!)) anywayds, time is a big concept. this is something that has been a half formed thought in the back of my head for years. not once have i been successfully able to explain in. ill try now. you know when you're sitting somewhere, thinking, i cant wait until tomorrow. and at that point in time, tomorrow seems soooooo far away. and then the next thing you know, its the day after tomorrow. now all that time that seemed to go on forever 2 days before, is a tiny memory in the back of your mind. in fact. compared to the moment you are living right at this very instant, every other moment in your life is a vague memory. even 5 minutes ago. NOW is much more real. now imagine 40 years from now when... (quick math) 58 years of your life are a vague memory compared to the moment your body is occupying right at that very instant. every moment that seem so crucial in your life is now just some memory. now this is the part that i have a hard time explaining... its like... 40 years from now, and today, are right next to eachother. compared to the NOW everything else is... small. so small that they might as well not be there. in a way, 40 years from now is as close as tomorrow. the time between now and both of them right now, when you REALLY think about it, seems to stretch forever. so its like... tomorrow you wake up and you are still 18 or tomorrow you wake up and you are 58 but.. in your memory, the time is basically the same. short. because the moment that last the longest is the one you are in and the one that is constantly ending. this is the best ive ever have or tried to explain it.

now this begs the question.... why bother? i am both deeply disturbed and quite apathetic about this at the same time. for some reason, i DONT think we should all just off ourselves. if the now is the time that feels longest to you, then enjoy the now. i suppose this inculdes making sure the actions you make ensure you will be happy in the future as well. (or at least not immediatly unhappy). so while we are not here for some specific purpose, i think we are just here to live. plain and simple.


in other news.... chirstmas soon... uh... yay?

em= zero christmas spirit.