Today isnt really a day off but its close enough. I start at 4. Only five hours of work. Definatly tolerable.
Today will be my tenth day of work in a row. It's funny how fast you fall into a mindless routine. I now get how people get sucked into working dead end jobs their entire life. I'm very glad I made plans for my next year BEFORE summer started...
I know that work right now is what is keeping me grounded. I think I would be in a different frame of mind if it werent for the fact that I'm so busy. Not a good frame of mind either. I'm just going to come out and say it, regardless of how stupid I feel about it... I crave romance.
... Damn, I still feel stupid about it... But let me explain.
I crave that first week... When every touch is a thrill. when you dont want to see them everyday because that would ruin it. I don't want a relationship right now. EVen if it WERE possible. I don't want to have a one night stand. I want that midnight walk with the flirting and the insinuations but nothing more physical than the goodnight kiss. Okay, maybe a prolonged goodnight kiss.
Sigh.. I feel like a loser for that too. I am an independent person. I do not need others for self affirmation. Rah rah rah. I am a dinosaur. Hear me roar. *roars*
In other news I went dancing to swing in a park last night. It made me realise that I need more dancing in my life. And Big Bad voodoo Daddy.... Need more of that too. Very few things are as much fun as dancing to really loud, really good music.
Fuck... I have about a weeks worth of stuff to do around the house in 2 hours...
*roars*
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Warning to the World.
The fates have decided that I have to pay for my 4 days of freedom. And pay dearly I shall. Today was the first day of my 10 day working streek. I shall have to work about 70 hours before I get another day off. While I have resigned myself to this shit storm, I refuse to take it gracefully.
I will be bitter. I will refuse to feel bad about said bitterness. Be forewarned that over the next week I will be bitchy, grumpy, snarky, bitter, impatient, sarcastic and just generally ill-tempered. I will however have a penchant for alcohol, staying out late and anything that is as far away from retail as humanly possible in general. I am sorry for this. Do not take it personally. Roll your eyes and offer me another beer. Do not try and comfort me by telling me about your crappy day at work. Do not try and comfort me at all. Just take me out.
Thank you for your time and patience.
PS- Laura, unfortunatly I'm still working on that.
I will be bitter. I will refuse to feel bad about said bitterness. Be forewarned that over the next week I will be bitchy, grumpy, snarky, bitter, impatient, sarcastic and just generally ill-tempered. I will however have a penchant for alcohol, staying out late and anything that is as far away from retail as humanly possible in general. I am sorry for this. Do not take it personally. Roll your eyes and offer me another beer. Do not try and comfort me by telling me about your crappy day at work. Do not try and comfort me at all. Just take me out.
Thank you for your time and patience.
PS- Laura, unfortunatly I'm still working on that.
Monday, June 19, 2006
My room is a mess but at least its home.
I just got back from sault ste marie, refered to by everyone except maps as The Soo. I took 4 days off work. In a row. I had to practically sell my soul to get the weekend off but it was worth it.
I hadnt felt so awake in weeks. Generally people say "I havent felt so alive in years!" but I dont think it's apropriate. I've always felt alive just.... lately I've felt half asleep. Like 8 hours wasnt enough. But for some reason when I was surrounded by family I never see, sleep didnt seem important. I'd stay up late to talk to my cousins and get up early to have breakfast with my grandparents. I'd go swimming when it was nice out and when it wasn't. I ate alot of food that wasn't good for me and I played cards with just about everybody.
I had my first real conversation with my cousin Andrew late one night on the dock, swatting bugs and drinking beer. We also sat quietly and he played the classical guitar for hours and I just stared at the water. He's going to music school and Im going to art school. At one point he said: "I smoke, by the way" and I punched him. We bonded.
Im learning to see my relatives as people and not just "aunt" "uncle" so and so, for better or for worse.
But for now, Im home, sitting on my bed in a bra and soccer shorts, tired. I wish I could go back. I wish I didnt have to work tomorrow. I have no clean black pants... sigh. And so it starts again.
I can't wait to start over, hopefully one day my slate will be clean.
I hadnt felt so awake in weeks. Generally people say "I havent felt so alive in years!" but I dont think it's apropriate. I've always felt alive just.... lately I've felt half asleep. Like 8 hours wasnt enough. But for some reason when I was surrounded by family I never see, sleep didnt seem important. I'd stay up late to talk to my cousins and get up early to have breakfast with my grandparents. I'd go swimming when it was nice out and when it wasn't. I ate alot of food that wasn't good for me and I played cards with just about everybody.
I had my first real conversation with my cousin Andrew late one night on the dock, swatting bugs and drinking beer. We also sat quietly and he played the classical guitar for hours and I just stared at the water. He's going to music school and Im going to art school. At one point he said: "I smoke, by the way" and I punched him. We bonded.
Im learning to see my relatives as people and not just "aunt" "uncle" so and so, for better or for worse.
But for now, Im home, sitting on my bed in a bra and soccer shorts, tired. I wish I could go back. I wish I didnt have to work tomorrow. I have no clean black pants... sigh. And so it starts again.
I can't wait to start over, hopefully one day my slate will be clean.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Of midnight meetings.
Today was a rather waste of a day. I slept through it mostly. I read a bit. The highlight was being able to wear ratty jeans and a spiderman t-shirt. I had a few things to do, didnt do them...
Watched movies with lil and the bro. Movies were sub-par despite good company.
Tomorrow... actually no, today, marks the begenning of my 7 day workathon. I might die a little inside. Then I go off for a little quality time followed by what will likely be another 7 day work stretch. I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait for the summer to be over. I havent touched an art supply in weeks. I've thought up a few comic ideas but I a)dont have the software installed on this computer and b) dont have the time to get it.
I am feeling lonely. I wanted to be single and now that I am I remember why I always rush into relationships. Not that Im interested in that now... It's just that summer always makes me crave those moonlight walks with a special someone to get to know. I love talking to new people. I'll admit, Im always more sociable after a drink or two or even just in a social situation. I love that time you have with a person where everything you have to say is new and interesting. You have no expectations whatsoever and every word spoken shapes and reshapes your understanding of this person. In that time its only the two of you, whether it be sitting on a park bench in the dark or in a crowded bar. It by no means needs to be romantic. In a way that almost ruins it. You may see them again or you may not. You may see them again and have nothing to talk about but you will smile shyly at each other because you know that they know something about you. The interesting thing is that you are not learning about a person through experience, you are learning what it is they want you to see. You are telling someone what YOU think is important about yourself. You could create a whole new life for yourself.... But that would ruin it. For one night you can lay your life out the way you want it to be seen. For one night you have someone's undivided attention and they have yours.
Enjoy.
Watched movies with lil and the bro. Movies were sub-par despite good company.
Tomorrow... actually no, today, marks the begenning of my 7 day workathon. I might die a little inside. Then I go off for a little quality time followed by what will likely be another 7 day work stretch. I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait for the summer to be over. I havent touched an art supply in weeks. I've thought up a few comic ideas but I a)dont have the software installed on this computer and b) dont have the time to get it.
I am feeling lonely. I wanted to be single and now that I am I remember why I always rush into relationships. Not that Im interested in that now... It's just that summer always makes me crave those moonlight walks with a special someone to get to know. I love talking to new people. I'll admit, Im always more sociable after a drink or two or even just in a social situation. I love that time you have with a person where everything you have to say is new and interesting. You have no expectations whatsoever and every word spoken shapes and reshapes your understanding of this person. In that time its only the two of you, whether it be sitting on a park bench in the dark or in a crowded bar. It by no means needs to be romantic. In a way that almost ruins it. You may see them again or you may not. You may see them again and have nothing to talk about but you will smile shyly at each other because you know that they know something about you. The interesting thing is that you are not learning about a person through experience, you are learning what it is they want you to see. You are telling someone what YOU think is important about yourself. You could create a whole new life for yourself.... But that would ruin it. For one night you can lay your life out the way you want it to be seen. For one night you have someone's undivided attention and they have yours.
Enjoy.
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