Your Birthdate: October 4

Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual. Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

so.... i cant decided if its accurate or not...

why i hate computers.

anyone who's ever been to my house has witnessed my father's excessive computer purchasing. he likes having computers or something. he's like the stereotypical woman and her shoes. its disturbing.
anyways, as a computer addict, instead of buying a dvd player, he bought a computer to stash behind the tv. this computer has very few tasks. it stores pictures, music and plays dvds. that is all it is asked to do. and this is why i hate computers: somehow it managed to fuck that up.

see, we have had the thing for no more than 4 months. in the past month it has managed to go through 3 dvd players. it managed to break the only function we actually care about. at first we thought it was the drive itself. afer the third one, we figured that this might not be the case.

the dumbest part is that they always work at the store. in fact the latest one, that we just got back today, they had been playing movies on for 2 days. they even showed my father who can testify that only hours ago, it was working fine. the minute it enters the house, it refuse to acknoledge the presence of dvd movies. it WILL however, in the same drive, read cd-roms and dvd cds that DONT hold movies but other types of file such as music. now there is NO difference between now and maybe 7(ish) hours ago. NONE AT ALL!

COMPUTERS DONT MAKE SENSE.
this is what i have learnt. i refuse to learn more about them. they only bring more anger and pain.


grrrr....



on the plus side i saw Hitch Hiker's guide to the galaxy tonight. it i were to think of it objectively i probably wouldnt like the movie. but i just cant bring myself to dislike it. we all brought towels with us. it was brilliant.

the song was super catchy too... "song long and thanks for all the fish..."

i feel old.

apparently now i just get angry. more and more my gut reaction to things that bother me is angry. used to be i could count the amount of times i got angry in a week on my hands... now at least 2 or 3 times a day i just want to hit something. its always something realy stupid too. so far ive managed to not overreact on anything. im just worried it'll get the best of me and ill blow up and tell someone off for something trivial.


on the plus side, i dont really feel lonely all that much...


all my muscles ache. i hate the cold and the damp. they make me feel a thousand years old.

hyper to pissed in 30 seconds flat.

wow.



i mean, just wow.



isnt it great when you find out that you suck at your job through the boss's daughter?

hello new summer job... i need to find a job where there is less drama. WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY TALK TO EACHOTHER.


i need a real job.

UPDATE:

success!

To Create

i am feeling all hyped up. and not tired. when was the last time i wasnt tired? I dont know, apparently getting a full night's sleep has its advantages. who knew ?

next up, 3 square meals a day.

yet another successful trip to value village if only for this totally fantastic yellow skirt i got. i tried it on again awhile back and have yet to take it off. its actually comfortable. skirt? comfortable? who knew?

i also got something for the awards banquet. in fact, i put away all my self respect and got some slinky black dress which emphasizes my complete and utter lack of cleavage. now i am aware that having big boobs is a pain in the ass. understand that this is not what i am looking for. i would simply, very simply, enjoy the presence of SOME, not ALOT, just SOME kind of breasts. not even just to feel better about myself as a person, really just for simplicity sake. i dont overly care about how it'll look, its just a pain in the arse to find clothes that fit when you have no breasts. ie-this dress. engh... now i need to COMPLETLY get rid of any shred of self respect i hd left, and find myself a strapless push-up bra. oh the humiliation. i promised myself that i would never touch the contraptions since they.... well... suck.

what is this awards banquet doing to me???

now to forget these trials and tribulations, i suggest we all be royaly merry and come back to my place. and by all i mean select few.

very select few. big party at my house??? NO!!!!!


and now to ask the parentals.... (wish me luck!)

my lips hurt....

....

will you kiss them better?

heh heh.... i couldnt help it. i wrote the first line and the second just HAD to follow.
now mostly just to get rid of the stupid angsty, self involved crap in the last post, here's more stuff about me. ha.

its sad because its true.

so yeah, here are some things i drew before. the comic is something my brother and i were joking about while talking about another comic. i didnt really like the idea of the original comic (shhh, dont tell patty, he still doesnt know) but i thought this was funny... or it was funny at the time and not so much now. either way, here is is. i was trying to get something i drew on paper onto the computer and my dad insisted i use the digital camera. i did, and after tweeking with it a bit (see: ALOT) you have what you see there. not a whole lot but meh...

the second... that one came from some idea i got sometime before christmas while waiting for a bus outside rideau. i posted a close up drawing of the face a long while ago and i finally finished the whole thing. the lamp is ugly but i spent so much time getting the perspective right that i didnt have the heart to change it. i like pretty much everything else though, especially the snow.

and last (i just realised that im doing this backwards for you guys... im going in order that i posted them by the way) is the first thing i seriously drew on the tablet when i first got it. it has its own charm. not much else to say about it.


and thats that.



I call this one grey. 

needlessly clichay (ingnoring the fact that i cant spell clichay...) 

my crappy comic number two 

tone that angst down a lilittle, will ya?

soo.... i should be sleeping. but, i went to bed, read the last 5 pages of my book, and proceded to stare up at my ceiling without turning the light off. this lasted for maybe 20 minutes. not THAT long compared to the horror stories i hear of people laying in bed for hours, sleepless, but during that short time, my mind just kept rattling on and on. it was like i was writing a blog entry in my head. i figured, while it might not make me sleepier, it might make me more satisfied with myself if i put some of it down in writing.

from day to day, i change my mind about my... how shall we put it... self-state. how am I? alot of days i just feel lonely. some days i feel as though ive lost all my friends and they are better off without me and why oh why am i so alone? other days i feel so surrounded with love and support that i dont even need that "special someone" in my life. other days i feel alone but im convinced i dont really need anyone else, i can keep myself busy. or i just dont want to be tied down by that someone else, or i love the people around me but having a relationship wouldnt be so bad, or im glad all my friends have someone, but why cant i?
as you might have noticed, alot of these are quite similar with only slight variations. the truth of the matter is, im not quite sure which one it is.

i see people who are so head over heals in love that i simply cannot comprehend. i dont understand it. ive loved people and cared for them immensly but i dont really think ive been IN LOVE. that mysterious feeling that everyone rants and raves about. i figure if its that great i couldnt have just... missed it... right? the whole thing is somewhat of a mystery. anyways, i want to feel something that strong. i want a feeling THAT strong that is positive. heck... sometimes id like to feel something that strong thats negative. sometimes i feel like i dont feel much of anything at all. im not sure if you guys understand...


ha.... hey, maybe im gay? ... naaaaah... guys are just TOO damn attractive for me to be gay. heh heh... it was a passing thought.


like i said before, i finished a book today. the author killed off my favorite character. i was kind of pissed. actually... pissed isnt really the right word. more like... why would he do that? why would he build up such a wonderful character, make him so bloody likable... actually carry him from the first book to the second book of the series and suddenly just off him. he wasnt even a secondary character!!! permit me to be all deep and pretentious and shit, but perhaps thats because thats how life goes. main characters die in life. they dont magically make their way out of the burning house everytime. life goes on without them.
sorry, ive been watching episodes of six feet under. its making me all philosophical about death.or at least.... trying to. im not all that good at this deep business.

ihad my second drivin lesson today. less scary... kinda... he had me go out onto the highway. that part was NOT cool. i wondered if he realised that im mortally afraid of other vehicles on the road. perhaps i should have printed him out The List. i still cant believe that im trusted behind the wheel of such a huge chunk of metal that could actually KILL someone. ive never been in control of something that could kill a person at the smallest mistake from me. this is what scares me with driving. it could go so wrong so fast, especially with a twat like me behind the wheel.

it will soon be a year since ive had a serious relationship. another month or two, thats all. i think that it doesnt matter one way or another since im not going to meet anyone new anytime soon. as for why, i am considering a few options:
a) i am physically unatractive
b) my personality is unatractive/uninteresting
c) my complete inability to meet new people
d) {d only kicks in once i overcome a,b and c} im kind of picky
and the ever charming option:
e) all of the above.


oh and as a last remark referring to the erased post i wrote about last time, the short version of it is that im afraid that if i ever lose interest in my art i will have nothing else to fall back on and i will be purposeless and sad and that by actually persuing the art feild, it brings me closer to that real possibility.

and that about covers it.