Sometimes the best policy just sucks.

everyone who knows me knows how much honnesty means to me. The surest and easiest way to hurt me is to lie to me. You can call me a bitch to my face and I would be hurt, but I'd get over it. The times I hold a grudge is when you said "hey, how's it going!" but were thinking....what a bitch.

The thing is, if you lie to me, I will believe you. If you deceive me, I won't catch on. I have a very hard time calling anyone who takes advantage of this trust a friend. Thats not to say I can't forgive. I do. But forgetting is harder.

But what happens if situations are reversed? what if someone really IS better off not knowing? Is there such a thing? I don't know. Maybe so. But that goes against my value number two. You cannot decide whats best for another person. It is not your right. You don't get to withold information on the basis that "they're better off not knowing". You owe them the truth, whatever it may be.

Okay, that was more me figuring something out for myself. You have just witnessed my thought process.

I was going to say something melodramatic like "when did life get so complicated?" but who am I kidding? I've been living in a soap opera since grade 11. sure sometimes it calmed down on commercial breaks but confusion and drama is ALWAYS just around the corner. Sometimes I look back on the more particularly ridiculous dramas that I have both witnessed with my friend and that have happened to me and I just think... did that REALLY happen to us? Did I REALLY do that? Did he really say that? Did they really not realise? Were we REALLY all that stupid?
Okay, so not stupid.
But honnestly, one of us should write a book. Or a stupid teen drama. We could call it 'The AY'. oh look, she made a funny....

But here's my advice to you all. If EVER you find yourself in a particularly confusing emotional period with a person, get it all out at the time. Or at least shortly after. Because trust me, you don't want to have that final revealing moment where "it all comes out" on a drunken night 2 or 3 years freakin' later.

Or do.
It could make for an interesting story.

But what would I know?

And so ends day 3...

only two more days of this week from hell. Im tired, my back is broken, I need to reach viki (if you read this vik, call my cell tomorrow) and I havent seen or heard from the boy since monday night. By this point I'm just worried.*tries hard not to sound like an obsessive girlfriend*

Only 15 more hours of retail hell before christmas. I so want it to be christmas right now just so that this week can be over.

My back is so sore... I'm going to take a hot shower.

I have 4 blankets on my bed. mmmm...

It's 8:45am and Im already obsessively checking my emails. And so it begins...

I also lost my wallet. As much as it sucks, it's made worse by the fact that I havent finished my christmas shopping... that and I've lost all my ID, money, blah blah blah....

shit.

I am le tired.

I feel the need to talk.

Correction: I feel the need to complain.

Has anyone ever noticed that when you're in a bad mood you take it out on the people you care about the most? At least I do... Most people I'm able to put up a brave front to and smile but for the few people I'm closest to I get snappy, grumpy and basically just bitchy. so... I guess if Im bitchy around you... take it as a compliment?

I feel very drained. The past week or so has left me feeling very empty. I don't feel like a good person, I don't feel inspired by aanything, I don't feel funny,I don't feel responsible, I don't feel brave, I don't feel talented... In fact I don't feel much at all other than mild irritation about not feeling (if that makes any sense at all...). It's as though I don't have energy for emotional outbreaks.

It's entirely possible that I'm just tired. Lack of sleep, stress and frustration have turned me pretty unsocial. I could have done a few things tonight but I opted to go home, call viki and eat some grilled cheese in sweatpants. and I don't regret it.

My school work has taken a turn for the worse. My self portrait is probably the ugliest thing I have done this year. I couldnt hand in my poster on time despite it being done with time to spare and my project for philosophy hasnt been handed in yet for absolutly no other reason than I just haven't gotten around to doing it.
Oh and I have an exam on monday that I haven't studied for.

Did I mention that I'm working 43 hours this week?

And that Emma is leaving for three weeks?

And that I've only done about half of my christmas shopping and Im running out of time (re: working 43 hours this week)?

The funniest thing about all of this is that I don't feel sad or depressed or any of that junk... I just feel empty really. The more I write the more I think this all has to do with the lack of sleep. I dont think I've slept for more than 6 hours a night for the past 4 or 5 nights. most nights it was less actually.

I told Viki this the other day and now I'll tell you. I've come to associate the thought of me moving out with me chopping of all my hair late one night in front of a mirror in my new bathroom. For some reason, this makes the thought of moving out all the more appealing.



Guys... what if once im all on my own, I realise that I suck at living?

what then?

URGENT NOTE TO SELF

must call Viki.

So there I was....

... making a total arse of myself.

To be fair, it wasn't my fault. It's because of this school's ridiculous computers, Adobe Illustrator and Mark Renaud. They, combined, have decided to torture me with this dumb logo design project.

I'm currently at school fighting my way through the incomprehensible mess that is Illustrator. It doesnt help that the computers don't actually have enough ram to save things properly. and it doesnt help that it's due in two days and I am irritated as all hell.

back to me making an arse of me (which is all you guys really want to hear about). So I burst in to the student association office in a rampant rage to vent to Rhonda, who I knew would understand. Much yelling, cursing and gesticulating ensued. And then more yelling. Unfortunatly, everyone else in the room had no idea what I was talking about. So I just looked like another computer illiterate fool ranting about how the "computer screwed them over" when everybody knows it's just them not knowing anything about computers.

BUT THIS WAS NOT THE CASE!!! IT ISNT MY FAULT!!!!

I admit that my ineptness with Illustrator is my own fault (I kind of avoided the lectures because I didn't understand anything. I hear this doesn't help the learning process...). However, the fact that the computer wont save things properly is deirectly related to the fact that this school is out of it's mind. They proudly installed all the newest versions of Illustrator and Photoshop on their archaic computers. So yes, it IS nice to have the newsest versions. But you know what would be even nicer? Computers with AT LEAST the minimum requirements to run them. Guess what?!? WE DONT HAVE THEM. SO leave us with the older versions, thank you very much, and we'll make due.

MORONS!!!!


GAH!!!!


I WANT TO GO BACK TO PHOTOSHOP! Don't WANT to learn new things....


*pants*

Okay, I think I'm done. I should make use of my last hour here before going to Pub night. I shall dance away my sorrows.

In other news, that boy makes me happy as a clam.

(And I want inspiration. I want to create.)

ENLIGHT

Did emily just accidentally sleep for about 11 straight hours?

I think she did.

My throat also feels like like there is a small animal living in it. No more all-nighters.



...

OKay, so no more SCHOOL-related all nighters.

she made it.

I survived my first successful all night work-a-thon. The only thing that was brutal was the buses. they are like my kryptonite... As soon as I sit in one I fall asleep.

anyways, I just wanted to point out that as of today I no longer have to hand in a single damn thing for two of my 5 classes.

Is that sweet or what?

*blushes like a school girl*

okay, I couldnt resist, I found two more great paintings by him.



and:

I Heart David B. Milne

Im on break.

I have an oral presentation on David Milne tomorrow at 3. I had done very little to prepare from it other than read what I consider is close to two whole books devoted to him. I am currently trying to compose an interesting and balanced presentation on the guy.

I had never heard of Milne before I chose to do this project on him. I must say that I have fallen completly in love with his artwork and his philosophy on artwork. He didnt want to make big statements on life or society, he was trying to simplify art. He reduced paintings to line and colour. The result is often, for me, is wonder at the time it would take to simplify things to the point of istant legibility but still have them detailed and thoughtful. All he wanted from other artists was creativity.

heh. sorry to go off like that, but all I've been reading for the past week is stuff about 'creative courage' and 'dazzle spots' and other mumbo jumbo like that. That and it's 3 am and Im on my second wonderful cafeinated drink. I found some sort of homemade cappuccino mix in our cupboard that we got from my aunt a few years back and my poor sleep depraved self is running off of all the wonderful goodness two of those babies can provide me.

oh! guess what! I have class at 8 tomorrow morning. I considered skipping then thought.... what the hell, I can do it. This means that there isn't really a point to me sleeping.... sooo... Emily's first all-nighter before school! I've only ever attempted this one and I made it until 4am before my back gave out. but this time around my back feels just spiff. so yeah.

Tomorrow's oral should go interestingly.

I leave you with an absolutly wonderful David Milne quote:

Art has no objective, and objective is fixed, known beforehand. Art works toward the unknown. That is why is is living not static

oh, and you get one of my favorite Milne paintings:

celebrate.

I officially no longer work at GPC. While I haven't shown up there or talked to them in months, I only just received that little paper thingy that says you don't work at a place anymore.

I figured this was worth celebrating.
Emily treats self to wine and a night of not studying (ignoring her test the following day).

In two weeks time I will be done with all things Quebec art and all ridiculously huge assignments will be out of the way. At that point I will cut loose and do something crazy. I don't know what yet, it may involve booze, but... damn it better be good.

Maybe I'll throw a party... anyone want to come?

of mostly shit days.

I say mostly because there are no absolutes. But overall, today did not feel good.

I woke up tired depsite enough sleep, felt completly unsociable in class and sat on my own with headphones avoiding talking to people. Nothing about my art girls, it was just one of those days. I am quite pleased with the way my project is going. Even better is that Linda seems to be as well.

I almost cried at least 3 times throughout the day for no apparent reason. I also almost had some sort of minor panic attack at the thought of my Quebec Art test on Wednesday. In fact when I think about it now, my throat tightens up and my eyes water. I'm not sure Ive ever been so nervous about a test before. The worst part is that I don't really need to do well, as long as I pass, I'll be fine. Most art schools just look at portfolios and are content to know you passed all oyur classes. Im almost convinced that I will pass this test. But I want more than that. I don't know why either. I'm emotionally involved with my marks this semester. I want to ace this test. I know I don't need to and that I probably won't but I wouldnt be satisfied with just a pass.

I got an 81 on my Self Portrait in Virtual Studio. I spent a ridiculous amount of time on that thing. I didn't leave it to the last minute and I worked hard on it. Mark even seemed to like it. But 81? Thats the BEST I could do? It seems no matter how hard I work on something, I just get the same mark. Anywhere in the 80s.

I'm completly serious. Now that I actually think about it... I can't think of a single peice of artwork that has gotten outside of the 80s... (Quebec Art I got a bit lower, but Im talking about artwork) In fact, if you look at my mid term marks, excusing Quebec Art, I got 85% in every single class. Exactly.

I feel like a complete idiot ranting about what, even in my books, are good grades. I just hate the idea of stagnating. I want to improve. Last year Brendan ranted to me about how once Linda gave you a grade, you were stuck with basically the same grade all year. At the time I thought he was full of shit and really, I still do. But I can't help but feel like it doesnt matter what I do, I'm a mid-80s student. period.

And none of this changes the fact that in 2 days I have a test worth 40% of my mark and a week after that an oral worth another 40% of the same mark (which I havent even looked at) and that I'm scared as hell about them.

you know... all I wanted to do today was be able to talk for more than 30minutes to Emma. And telling him I couldn't just made me even more furstrated.

Soccer practice, for once though, wasnt horrible. I didn't play like complete shit and someone actually talked to me. It was kind of a surprise.

I need to go study and pretend like I have a chance of doing well.

Im am sincerely sorry about this ridiculously depressing post.

Round Two

I think Im slightly tired so Im going to just do the summary of the day:

metro tickets used: 0
Buses taken: 1
Beers drank: 0
Hukka's smoked: 1
money spent: approx 30$
hours spent studying for quebec art: 1
new people met: 3
hours slept last night: 7.5 (but it was interrupted)
number of red pepper's bought: 3
sketches drawn so far on the entire trip: 3 decent ones.
number of seats sat in during a single play: 2

time: almost 1.

fading fast.

Round one

the problem with most discussions is that they arent arguments, they're debates. People are emotionally involved and don't want to be wrongand therefore only listen to what the other person says in terms of what can be used to contradict them. I enjoy listenning to people talk. I like finding the spots where the contradict themselves and considering the theory that I had previously discarded. I like seeing the pros and cons of both sides. I don't like to chose sides, I guess I just like to hear the ideas.

I love it when the discussion becomes dynamic, give and take. My problem is that Im not vocal enough so the rare times where I actually have a point, I don't really have the oppertunity for it. So I just stick with listenning and trying to not forget every interresting thing I hear.


Montreal head count:

Metros tickets used: 2
Beers drunk: 2
money spent: 57$ (including bus tickets)
hours spent on studying for quebec art: .5
new people met: 4

time: 2 am. no sleep.

Let the good times roll.

of...well... my life I guess.

Life goes on as always, the cycle continues.

I have a huge Quebec art test next week. And by huge I mean I have to memorise about 115 slides (name of artwork, slide and 3 relevant informations), the whole thing being worth 40 % of my term mark. The being pain in the ass of it all? Out of those 115, she'll only be asking for 10 of them.

But you know, in light of this I decided, what the heck, lets go to Montreal. *shrugs*

I was feeling very mellow tonight. I listenned to every Beatles song on my computer and enjoyed it immensely. My plan however was to head to bed when they were done but now... now Bebel Gilberto is playing... and I like her too.
I tried making a cd... It didnt work

I go to bed defeated then...

Safe Haven

Well... I made it safe and sound.

They already did the upstairs so Im hiding up there now.

Yeah, I first found out about the SUPER SUCK invasion (yeah, all the tubes and hoses are hooked up to this big red box inside the back of some truck (the "HIGH POWERED vacuum truck". I kid you not, thats what it says on the side) currently parked in our driveway. The big red box is labled with large yellow letters SUPER SUCK. I though this was mildly entertaining.) at about 8:45 this morning when they knocked on the door and started talking loudly in their important man voices with my mother in the front hall.

side story: For some reason we seem to, every few months, have a crew of about 2 or 3 loud french men show up at our house in some sort of utility vehicle and perform some sort of maintanance on our home. Things like... cleaning the carpet or the couch, figuring out why sympatico sucks ass, building a freaking kitchen. Anyways, my point is they all use this loud, abrupt, important sounding man voice that can be heard all over the house. It's very unsettling to have strange men walking around your house period, let alone talking like this. It does not make things easier that they always seem to show up in the morning, when I'm still wandering around the house half asleep and still in my pyjamas.

Back to my original story... SO my mother walks into my room (lucky for her I was awake and reading) and tells me to clear up my room since they'll be up to clean the vents shortly. I stare at her in disbelief. The reason for this disbelief would become evident if you happen to SEE the condition of my room. It's a tad messy, to understate things. so... I shoved a few things in my closet, piled some more against my dresser, made my bed (I can't remember the last time I did that...) and fashioned some sort of path from the door to the vent. I felt my duty there was done.


Okay, some terrible smell is now taking over my house.... GAH! it's tuesday! MY DAY OFF! Not the day for people kicking me out of bed to clean my room OR having people hooking up the SUPER SUCK to my vents OR to make my house stinky!!!!

bah. I'll survive right? yeah. Thats right.In other news I've spent too much time having fun and ... you know... NOT doing homework lately, so now I have a shitload of work to do. Congrats Emily, you have now proven that people can, in fact, learn absolutly nothing at all from past experiences! sigh... I'll figure it out. I always do.

In other news, we went to The Works last night as part of my mother's "screw Halloween" resolution. I love that place. I mean, where else can you get a hamburger topped with avocado, tomato, garlic and shrimp? The anwser is: nowhere. That combined with the sweet potatoe fries means I never have to eat again.

whats that, friday off? whats that, party?

Okay, off to "create" for the day.

drawing for homework? Long weekend? Sometimes I just love my life.

Fugitized

My house is being overrun by men toting large tubes that resemble giant vacuum cleaners. They are cleaning our vents apparently.... From my perspective,they are making LOTS of noise(ie. GIANT VACUUM CLEANERS, it kind of sounds like the air ducts are maddly shaking inside the walls, kind of like if there were a gazillion monkeys in them jumping around frantically), letting cold air in (doors are open), and chasing me out of every room I try to hide in (as it turns out, we have vents in every frickin single room in the house). I'm currently seeking refuge in my basement, mistakenly thinking that there are no vents down here. Not so I now realise. I saw one of the guys poke his head in here a few minutes ago, I think they might commence invasion (with large plastic tubes in tow) any minute now. I suppose there's the off chance that they already did this room. *crosses fingers*

oh god... they're here.

I haven't been keeping track but....

... today might very well be the biggest waste of a day in my life.

It's 4:14pm and all I've done today is watch movies (and they were all crap too) and eat. I didn't even shower. Or change out of my pyjamas. Or read or draw or talk to anyone.


but.. the day is still young right? I think I'll go draw.

So, what do you want to be when YOU grow up?

It suddenly hit me today. I don't know why today and I don't know why I never realised it before but... next year is not that far away. In fact, if I plan on going to university next year, I have to have a portfolio put together in under a year.

I don't think I have ever seriously called myself an "artist". I might have in the past, but I definatly do not make a habit of it. It's one of those words that's just... DRIPPING with elitism. Not only that... but I don't even consider most of my work to have artistic merit. Which brings me back to my portfolio. What the hell? The very word makes me cringe... Think about it.You are taking all the best of you best work, putting it together and offering it to someone so that they can judge it. What if it's not good enough? You can't say... oh wait, how about this one? Because it's all there. That's it. What they have in their hands is the BEST (at this point in time) that you can do. While I like alot of my stuff, I hardly think its something I would use to apply to university.

and university... I can't remember what the big rush was to grow up and move on. Do I really want to be... gone? Everywhere I would consider is away from home, in different cities and all that jazz. Do I really want to move away? And if not, why not? Is it for valid reasons or just because I'm just afraid to let go of home and people? Playing it safe is always the tempting anwser. Sounds ridiculous and cliche, but I don't know if I want to start my bold move into the "real" world with the "safe move".

BAh.. I keep telling myself I'll just think of it later but... Later is starting to get alot closer to now.

Bah times two. I don't think I'll think about this now. Too many good things right now. I had a wonderful night with the Bo. He made me dinner. Viki coming next weekend (and she got the job!), The Partay, hanging out with the gang. I have wine, the new Franz Ferdinand cd. Tomorrow I will got out an get a job (thinking positive) so that I can buy all those books I wanted.


Oh, here's the digital painting I had to do for virtual studio. It had to be a self portrait... so it it.



I think I spent about 10 hours on this stupid thing. There are still things that make me cringe to look at though. Most noticable are the glasses, hair and that stupid light outline around the hands that I could have easily fixed if I didn't cut so many corners.

Anyways, I'm reasonably satisfied with the thing.

I think Im going to do what I haven't done in a long while... Go to bed reasonably early and curl up with an old Piers Anthony book.

I have a love/hate relationship with karate.

I really didn't want to come home early tonight. But I had to for karate since I missed it yesterday. So I got home at 6, which normally is when we leave to get there on time. Except I must have just missed my mom and brother leave so I lost my ride there.

So for those keeping track I didn't get to go downtown with Emma for shwarma AND I missed karate. I got to sit at home alone, procrastinating and avoiding homework. RAH!

But on the plus side, coffee house tomorrow night. Yay! yummy caffeine, good music and company. Only downside is that it ends at 10. We must find additional fun-ness!

what another useless post.

Here, I'll give you something a bit more substantial. I'm quite happy right now. School is going well and things are going ridiculously well with that boy. You know the one. But yeah, I mean it.

Okay, you're right, this post is still useless.

Cultured fun?

Who knew visiting the art gallery could be so fun?

must sleep so that I can go to school early so that I can do homework I forgot. Gah... Idiot...

*kicking self*

So yeah... I spent all weekend having ridiculous amounts of fun. As a result, I didn't do any homework and it's kicking me in the arse.

To make matters worse I have come upon some sort of slimy mucus disease. I feel gross. And I can't draw. Everything I do looks like monkey poop.

I think I need more than 6 hours of sleep tonight but I have my doubts as to the feasibility of this. (So she wastes more time...)


(time wasting continues)

Stupid Stupid emily

she isnt too bright.

She has lots of homework to do and left it all for her birthday. Then she made plans on her birthday.

Now she has about 3 hours to do about 3 drawings and a postcard (which she has already done but her teacher is annoying and wanted the class to start over)

She is silly.


But I will wish her a happy birthday anyways.

Ode to today.

Today is a beautiful day. I made grilled cheese and sat outside in the sun in a tank top and soccer shorts and read with a big class of orange juice. My official summer anthem.

I'm aware that it's now technically fall so I guess this is a salute to summer ending. It's final hurra if you will.

The sky is blue, the sun is warm. The leaves are slowly starting to turn colours. Tonight I'm going to Ottawa and seeing Ashley for the first time in a while. My birthday is on tuesday, Viki is coming on wednesday. This weekend I will see the people who mean the most to me, my family and my closest friends. I will eat good food.

I feel wanted, I feel loved.

Things, as I see them right now, are right for me.



I read a few of my past posts (I've now been blogging for over 2 years) and I must say, they were really crappy. I kind of hope I don't write like that anymore.

On to shower, dishes and bus ride to rideau.
Nothing can ruin this day.

I cant believe I ever disliked tea.

It's cold out, the wind is blowing, it's dark and it's raining. Days like these make me want to curl into a ball with blankets and watch movies.

But the tea is waking me up. It's not just the taste that makes it so... comforting. It's the feeling it has as it goes down. The way it just clears my head.
I really need to drink more tea.

VALUE VILLAGE HO!

Art Therapy.

muahaha.

One day this summer, my brother and I were sitting peacefully in the office, minding our own business when some kid on a scooter drove by our house. Repeatedly.

As in about 3 times every ten minutes. For like an hour.

I got annoyed.

Therefore I vented:
**EDIT** Alert reader Laura d'allessandro was kind enough to inform me that my image resolution looked like, and I quote, "poop". Therefore I republished the picture in a superior format. Many thanks to Laura!



It's been unfinshed for quite awhile and today I got it together and put on the finishing touches, applying my latest photoshop skillz.

scorzors.

Humanitarian Progress.

Today I drove to Ottawa for the first time.

There were no casualties. Jubilation. Soon there will be one more person to polute our world.

My mom has decided to clothe me. She mentioned the other day I needed new clothes. I mentioned I had no money. She then offered to buy me clothes (especially if I went to value village again). woot woot, shopping spree! And today she bought me indoor soccer shoes. They are awesomeness incarnate. So comfortable.
Unfortunatly they're made by Nike... It's not my fault that they are the only ones who make soccer shoes that fit my feet!

sigh... I'm part of the problem.

Tip Top.

I had an excellent weekend. I'm always afraid to say things like that for fear of making whoever had a crap weekend feel even worse about it. But I must say, my weekend truly was top notch. I never touched a scrap of material that could even remotely resemble homework. And tonight was the first night in a long time that I didn't feel restless and wanting to go out. I was very content with staying in and watching a movie.

I miss my old friends without even noticing I do. It hits me when I'm with them. Just like it hit me how much I missed just doing nothing with Viki when I was at her place last weekend. No one can push alcohol like she can and no one can keep me entertained while watching made for tv movies like she can. And I missed hanging out with the guys. And I missed poker nights. Vodka and orange juice will probably always remind me of you guys (ie viki, mike and alex). Good thing? who knows.

What Im trying to say, that while I'm not wasting my days away being nostalgic, it's really really good to see old friends and I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.

The End.

oh terrible of terribles...

Caffeine, you devillish minx... It is now approching 3 am and Im not tired and all I have to show for it is an upset stomach. When will I learn?

I told someone today that I don't get angry very often, I could probably count the amount of times Ive been actually angry this year, an two thirds of those times were tonight. This is an exageration, but not by much.

I dont like yelling at people, it makes me feel guilty afterwards. But I had fun once the insanity moved away from my house.

Despite my frustration at some parts of the night, the chaos was what I needed. The night ended on a rather pleasant note too. I am satisfied with my friday night after a rather unsatisfying week.

I need a job. If nothing else but to stop having to mooch. I miss not feeling guilty for not paying my share of the gas, or for letting people buy me a coffee. I want to be self sufficient again. I want to stop being poor.

Im going to go attempt sleep... considering the state of my stomach I dont have high hopes...

oh my fucking god.

I am SO irritated right now.

I wrote a HUGE post about the possibility of me getting braces, why I would, why I wouldnt, why I am confused. It was well writen, it was honnest.

and yes, you guessed it, it's gone. I thought I had saved it, but apparently not.

Here's the short version: I have ugly teeth according to the dental surgeon. They can either get better or worse. guess what his magical solution is?


oh and he's going to rip out my wisdom teeth. all 4 at once. with local anesthetic.
since when is that the least of my worries?

and then, out of the blue...

... it became one of THOSE days.

I am not feeling so hot. I slept for about 8 hours last night, if not more. Yet I still managed to sleep in and miss my bus. And I still managed to be exhausted for the entire day. Ilya said I looked sick (I decided to ignore the implication that I looked like crap...) and maybe I am. I don't know why else I would be so tired.
It was just poor luck that today had to happen on my dreaded 4 hour spare day. luckily I only have about half an hour left. I'm not sure how I survived this long, I don't think I've ever wanted to just go home quite so much.

Last night I was in a terrible mood. I yelled at my brother for practically nothing, got frustrated over the fact that I was so irritated by everything and went to bed. It was about 9:30 at this point. I read for half an hour and fell asleep. I'm glad I found that book though, I read a bunch more of it today. It's been awhile since I read fantasy. I believe I may have missed it...

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't have a specific favorite music, just prefered stuff for whatever mood I'm in. Right now, the Strokes are perfect. They always comfort me when I'm feeling down.

It's my birthday in less than two weeks. I'm trying not to let myself get too excited. Last year my birthday was a great source of dissapointment for me, particularly because I had made it a farely big deal in my head but when the day came no one seemed to share in my enthousiasme. Not that I was ignored, far from it... I think I just had made myself unrealistic expectations. So far, this year, I want 3 simple things to happen. Minimum. I want to go out someplace nice for dinner (I am becoming an increasingly snobby eater) with my immediate family on the day of my birthday, I want Alex to take me out for a beer someplace on the market (I'm serious, you!) and I want to see all my friends when they visit on thanksgiving (which, incidentaly, is the weekend after my birthday). This is the bare minimum. I will not compramise on these three things. Anything else can or can not happen as they will...

I want to do something tonight so that I don't stay home and feel sorry for myself (part of my new proactive, no dwelling, problem solving approach on life. ha. yeah right.) but at the same time I am tired and therefore I don't know if I SHOULD go out. Bah. I guess I'll figure it out after karate...

Hmm... Ive been wanting to write about something else for a while... But I'd rather leave it for a post on it's own.

good old me...

I always tend to do things the silly way. I must say, that contrary to my previous post, this I did NOT really expect. Although I should have expected myself to be difficult SOMEHOW.

At this point in time, I am too (substance induced) honnest for my own good. I could admit to a great many things I don't really want to admit to. So I won't.

I will admit to one thing: no matter what, no matter the situation, breakups are always hard. One way or the other. Even when they shouldnt be. They become emotionally trying SOMEHOW.

Good job em.

Well, I dont know about you, but I'm about ready for some carefree montreal fun...
zaaaaawing!!!

I am predictable.

As the title suggests, most of my actions are predictable. Seriously, when did I last REALLY surprise someone... (feel free to anwswer this).

As of sunday night, I am single again. I'm not sure how long this one lasted, neither of us were big on official dates.
It's weird, but for the better I think... But that's what they all say.

I need to get out. I'm cooped up in this house. I keep wanting to ask people to hangout with me but hold back for fear of seeming desperate. Lately I have a new found obsession with wanting people to take late night walks with me.
But I rarely ask...

I just watched High FIdelity. I love that movie. This is my second time seeing it. John Cusack is my hero.

I also just talked to viki. I'm looking forward to visiting her this weekend, but the planning is a bitch. Well, maybe it isn't so much but the little planning required is too much for my poor brain to handle. Either way, I think my classwork will get the shaft. I have to email my teacher... that's never fun. Nevermind. I won't email him. I'll just tell him I'm missing his class and ask whar I need to do to catch up... and not make a habbit of it...

It's funny how much stock I put into my mother's advice. I often bounce things off of her and somehow I usually end up doing what she says. I'm not sure if it's because her advice it genuinely sound or because of a lifetime of doing what mom says. I like to believe the former.

I think I'm getting allergies again... My head's been hurting the past few days. Back to the nosespray!! wooh!! not!!

sigh... I knew it wouldn't take long for the loneliness to sink in. Too bad, it just wont get to me, is all. I got better things to do than feel sorry for myself.

like sleep. My eyes hurt.

oh so good.

so yeah... had a soccer thingy (im not even sure if they are still considered try outs or practices... im pretty sure its still a try-out...). anyways, we ran 12 kilometers in about an hour. It wasn't as bad as I thougt it would be. well, the first 10 minutes are until you find your groove and then you can just coast for what feels like hours.

so, obviously, now I have to undo this healtiness with ice cream and maple syrup. soooo yummy.... And I also didn't finish tomorrows homework. So much for my productivity...

Feeling good.

Sometimes friends, new and old, are really good. They just make you happy and make you enjoy life.

On top of having good friends (again, new and old), I have been experiencing a unexpected burst of productivity. I cleaned my room, washed and brushed my dog, and worked on some homework (and its not even due tomorrow!) all in the past two days.

weird.

Interesting news..

as it turns out, the White Stripes are going to montreal and are playing at the bell center on the 17 of september. i do believe this is the weekend i was going to visit viki.... IN MONTREAL... coincidence? i think not!

now i just need someone to come with me.. any takers?

sex is silly.

A while back I got into an argument with my father over age of consent and statutory rape. It was a purely theorethical debate, it wasnt based on anything that applied to either of us (thankfully). As it turns out, we were both wrong.

The age of consent in Canada, is 14. Unless you happen to be a guy having sex with another guy in any province other than ontario and quebec, in which case it's 18.

As it turns out, its quite simple. If you are under 14, you are not legally able to give consent to have sex. Period. Anything 14 and over is fair game (providing they give consent, ovbiously)

This means it is legal for a 14 year old to have sex with a 40 year old. However, it is technically illegal for a 14 year old to have sex with a 13 year old. In the past this only applied when the older partner was male and the younger female, but recently they have applied the laws on the vice verca. Also, they can sometimes make alowances for the 14-13 year old cases, depending on the case it would seem.

This has blown my mind.

It was a little difficult to find this sort of stuff out on the internet without getting a whole pile of rape porn, but I managed.

I now feel informed.

eye is tired.

well, tonights the night. in a less than ten hours my best friend will be permanently living two hours away. A week after that, Mike will be gone. From that point on, our little group will be broken up for good. Cheery thought, no?

I really want to go to bed but I need to wait for Alex to come back and walk me home. I wish he would hurry up, and cut back on the ish...

I guess that's why I'm writing, to keep me awake until he gets here.


Heritage isnt so bad, I've made friends. While some things will never be the same, some things will never change. People are basically predictable if you think about it in the right way. Younger people are not so bad... for one thing they seem to have more energy, which is different. Might get tiring though... Tiring? Tired. Yes, now. bed. Home, need alex. ass muncher where are you?

I have no idea how this year is going to go. It both scares and excites me. I know it wont be the same as the other, one way or the other, for better or for worse. More than anything I just hope my grades stay up. And the motivation, need that too. I just realized how purposely vague I was on my expectations for this year. Go me.

I think Im going to play soccer. There are tryouts on monday night. I will be there. I really want to play, despite my HORRIBLE track record when it comes to indoor soccer tryouts. But this year I am determined. I will play soccer and I will get a job. The job part may be a little difficult, to say the least.

voices.

good.

I get to go home.

I am becoming a slacker and I dont enjoy it.

Firstly, I think I'm going to learn how to incorporate capital letters in my writing. I figure it's about time.

I haven't been on the computer in a while. My brother just left and I, at the very last minute, bailed out. It was as if the weeks of not being able to relax in my home, the lack of sleep, the stress from a job I despise and the constant headaches caught up with me in the space of an hour and just the thought of going to karate just at that moment made me want to cry. My eyes actually watered up. So I said no, I'm not going. Instead, I'm going to take a shower, maybe a nap and read a little.

Despite the sudden overwealming rush of... weariness? I've had an excellent few weeks and overall summer. I suppose you could say I needed a few hours to recover from all the fun I've been having before throwing myself back into the ever welcoming busom of the party world. She resides once again chez Micheal tonight. Wonders.

Effing headaches. I have had a constant one for about two weeks. I guess it's about time to face the reality that they are probably alergy related (I'm too original to get a stuffed nose and puffy eyes like everyone else) and that I need to start taking those hateful nosesprays again. *shudder*

I love how my goal for a drawing a day completly fell through... to be fair, I've more or less drawn something every day, but I've been too lazy to find a way to post it. Actually, not even lazy. Just BUSY.

I think I'm going to go and enjoy my shower/nap/read now.

didnt we all learn our lesson last time?

why on earth did i think me planning/organising/being responsible for ANYTHING would be a good idea?


gah.

people suck after all.

i hate it when people are waiting for one or more people to leave the room just so that they can talk about them or to be able to talk about someone else without being heard,but all the while act like there is nothing wrong. the worst is when its obvious that people are waiting for you to leave. even if you know they arent going to talk about you. its just so pointless. you bitch about a person with someone else as if you are so hard done by and yet do nothing to resolve the issue. people enjoy having that secret little information to hold over your head to make them feel superior. if you arent going to try and resolve the issue or at least bring out that there IS an issue, then you should keep it to yourself. its kind of like losing the right to complain about the government if you dont vote. im just glad i dont have friends like this.

lately ive been meeting alot of new people. in general, ive appreaciated this since i get to broaden my horizons and such. for the most part, i like the majority of the people i've met recently. only very lately, as in the past few weeks, have a known some of these new people well enough to realise what kind of people they actually are, for better or for worse.

when i met the group of friends i normally hang out with, it was as though i realised that the world wasnt populated by assholes. the more i realised how much i enjoyed the company of my new friends, the more i thought that uninteresting or unpleasant people were a minority. recently ive come to appreciate how great and unique my friends actually are. its like they all (especially when put together in a group) have the perfect combination of laid-backness, intelligence, retardedness, seriousness, lameness, coolness and all things put together. i genuinely 100% enjoy and am comfortable being around the people i call close friends and i am realising how hard this is to find. im not sure if this counts as irony, but it certainly is comveiniant that im catching on to this now as as large portion of them are about to leave.

certainly i can, and will, find new friends and/or people to hang out with. my concern is that... well... they just wont be as good.

this will be number 357. can someone "say get a life?"

so yeah.
its been a while. i have a rather considerable amount of back log as far as artwork goes. i will see how many i can put up this time around. most will have to wait until i scam Ben into letting me use his scanner. (not that that should be to difficult) i might even invest in one myself. except that i know nothing about scanners... maybe ill get alex to help me find a decent/not too expensive one.
anyways, these two here date back to the Glenwood fire and such... yeah...


this one here i did once i realised the comedic value of it all. not so much how the fire itself is funny, but the interesting things you could say as a result of the fire. im a little embarrassed at the craptacular quality of it but if i remember correctly i was getting impatient and sort of... rushed.


i think thats all i have on the computer. the rest (and the better ones) are on paper.
im talking to my brother's friend Simon now... we are discussing the possibility of him writing me some scripts. this could get interesting.

how much IS a scanner anyways?

shazzam.

my internet is down. my father is trying to fix it. i did do some drawings to put up, so you can see them later. (at viki's now by the by.)


viki convinced me to hand in my resume at the survey place. i tell myself that if i get the job it will be only temporary.

i dont want to go job hunting. it isnt fair. places of employment are not SUPPOSED to burn to the ground.

did you hear? it was definatly arson. i say we go out and kick some booty. *shakes fist* teach you to render me unemployed!

as of about 2 last night....

i am jobless.

serious.


it burnt to the ground.


i am NOT kidding.

...



this is in the top 10 ways i did NOT expect to wake up this morning.

fuck.

summer can sure be boring.

tomorrow i am taking myself out for a day on the town. i am looking forward to it. i havent wandered ottawa on my own in a while. i think i miss it.

zee fun.

yup.
i drew this on helene's dock looking out over the river to wakefeild. it's not great.... but decent for doing it all in pen. and the picture quality sucks since it inst scanned but taken with a digital.

plus a picture of me and micheal just for kicks.
.

my long day.

yeah so... ive been busy. already missed my first day, and today's is pretty crappy. it was just going to be black and white until i realised how crappy it was, so it got crappy colour to match. anyways, i mostly liked the content. the reason it sucks so much is because i was busy today. in the morning i had my gums massacred by the dentist, then i helped my mother clean, went to soccer (the picture there is me getting ready for the penalty kick i was awarded. my kicked was rather poor and was blocked but i got it in on the rebound so... yay for me!) and came home to visiting family including the incredibly cute little micheal. he's almost two. he gave me a hug.

and im just throwing this one in since i didnt put anything up yesterday and i had this lying around anyways...


and now im off to bed before 1 for probably the first time in two weeks...

Day 1

ive been doing some thinking. as most of you know, i waste alot of time reading webcomics. the artistic talent in these range from "this makes my eyes want to bleed" to awe-inspiring. but the one thing that seems to always happen is that the artist always improves. ive seen many of them go from laughably bad to quite talented. if im serious about an artisitic career, i have some learning to do. and part of learning is practice. so, i have challenged myself. i am going to try and come up with one drawing a day. i can miss a day, but not two in a row. they might not always be in full colour or well done but AT LEAST one a week i will put serious effort in. content wise, i think it'll vary from a journal-like entry, to some sort of short comic, to doodle, to finished drawing. i really hope i can do this. i think for the most part ill be using the tablet, but if i can manage, i'll try to scan some things on.

all that being said, im off to a rough start. i didnt spend very long drawing or colouring this thing. today, i got a haircut. as the drawing suggests, im rather proud of it although i suspect others might not approve... meh.

fortunatly blogger has made it simple to post pictures now. it may take me a while to get the image quality good and stuff.

we shall see.

My thought of today:

guys! i want to go to the beach. we should go to the beach.

gosh darn it guys, we're going to the beach this week, ive put my foot down.

crappy start to the day. or good start... im not sure yet...

so yeah.

think of this, i wake up after minimal sleep, and take a shower in zombie mode. get dressed. those two things take me about half an hour im so out of it. that and i wasnt in my own home..
i make some food only to realise that i cant eat it all because
a) im too hungover
b) i dont have time, i have to go to work

so i gather up the food i made to eat what i can on the way, write a note thanking mike and mentioning the scary little wooden man in the corner. yeah, i dont know either.

out i shuffle into the real world. it feels like there are cotton balls in my ears.

i cant figure out if its oddly quiet because of my ears or for some far more sinister reason. the warning bells start to go off when i realise that there isnt a single car in the mall parking lot where the coffee shop is. oh no. theres a sign on the door. closed for the St Jean. shit.

so the bad news is... they didnt tell me i didnt have to come in today. the good news is, i dont have to work today.

either way, im going to have a nap...

TEEHEEEEEEE!!!

im playing soccer tonight! yes i am! soccer soccer soccer soccer soccer!!!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

i like soccer.

im really kind of not here right now.

i had a loser-thon tonight. worked, biked home, watched movie with sunchips and gingerale.


i feel disgusting, in more ways than one.

let this be a lesson to you all.

my father, the man who replaced our faulty dvd player with a brand new computer, decided to save a few dollars by fixing his own windsheild whipers. now not only was he unable to fix them, in the process he SOMEHOW managed to crack his windsheild. and it is a farely substancial crack at that.


as it turns out, i still have the plague. i dont really think it ever went away, just went into hidding for a few days to spring up at the most unopportune moment. ive had the same cold (which rotates between dry coughing, wet hacking, stuffed nose and a combination of all three) for a little over three weeks now and it doesnt seem to be getting any better. in fact, right now, it seems to be getting worse. so my mother, the family health watch dog (my father would just tell me to eat more fruit. thanks dad.) is planning on dragging me to see a doctor. but first we must call and make an appointment to go to the emergency clinic. thats right. an appointment. at the emergency clinic. gah.

hmmm... the cough stuff seems to be sorta working this time around... who plans on living off of this stuff? I DO!

i have to miss my practice tonight on account that if i breath too deeply i cough up a lung. i was dissapointed by this until i realised that i was sweating while doing nothing. doing something is likely going to be warmer. so instead we're going to my grandparents and mooching their airconditioning.

i havent written in here in a while... 9 days actually.

i need to paint... i need something to paint ON... hmm... i shall look into this.

em out.

*RUNS AROUND HOUSE FRANTICALLY*

for the first time in a really long while, the though of slacking off and just watching a movie just doesnt appeal to me. i dont know why.




i am very restless.

My little brother is so cool.

i think you should all check out his blog, especially the story he posted a few days back. its funny. he has better imagination than i do for all that he cant structure a sentence to save his live. (i love you patty!!!!)


in other news recently i have:
-gone camping
-gotten really really ill while camping
-still had fun while camping
-didnt kill karen cross while camping (this im really proud of)
-went value villaging
-got everything half price at vallue village
-got cool stuff at value village
-cool stuff half price at value village, need i say more?
-bought music today
-had my first soccer game last week
-tied the first soccer game last week
-almost (okay not really) scored a goal last week
-had fun at the game last week
-i got my green belt, finnaly.
-finish school, finnaly.
-annoyed everyone reading this.

remember when i was writing about how amazing it is to make your body do something you know you couldnt do before? well its equally shitty to not be able to do something you know you were able to before.
but shitty in the way were you get really mad and are twice as determined to fix things.
its funny, there are different ways of being comfortable with your body. you can think you are attractive and say screw it to the world, or be satisfied that the one person you love thinks you're beautiful but not necessarily think yourself but be comfortable with yourself anyways. or i guess there are about a thousand others way you can feel. people are complicated especially when it comes to how they feel with yourself.
all this to say, i dont think ive been this in shape in well.. ever. while i still dont think im exactly an object of the opposite sex's affection, i am oddly really comfortable with myself. its really weird. its like i all of a sudden dont care how i look to others but not at the same time. for example. at one point or another you've all heard about the craptacular "friends" ive had in the past. anyways, i got over being insecure around my current friends. i figure they'll still love and care about me no matter how i dress (though they might chose to vocalise their doubts on my wardrobe pefrences....*cough*) and really, thats WHY their my friends, because they care about ME and not about how i look or the stupid things i might *occasionally* do. anyways, for one reason or another, whenever i saw these people from way back when, i couldnt help be feel ridiculously self conscious. its really dumb, i know. i still talk to them if i run into them and im on the same soccer team and stuff but it was always guarded, trying to make a good impression. i would piss me off because i shouldnt care what other people think, absolutly LEAST of all them. but recently... i just... STOPPED caring. my legs are hairy? meh.. dont like my pants? deal. think im talking too much, too little? not my problem... in short, they are all of a sudden normal people and not prying eyes judging my every movement.
its a real breath of fresh air... yeah, i just id share.
heh...
talk about making a short story long...

thats my shpeal for the day.

The trouble starts when...

...you start weighing your options. like now.. is the digital photography assignment REALLY worth all that much? i mean... its done and all, i just have to go through the effort of actually handing it in. and is the library assignment REALLY all that important? after all, ive done it before... ive pretty much settled that i couldnt care less about the library assignment and the 4% it represents... the pictures... i probably WILL go in to hand in... but i wont be happy about it!

i feel like someone is sitting on my chest, or like its imploding. i keep making myself cough to unblock my ariway but there is nothing to move. i feels like i just lost a lung or something.

right now im just killing time so i can figure out what time star wars is on tomorrow. they dont have the schedual until friday and im hoping thats like friday at midnight. well... i still have a full paragraph to write on what Yousuf Karsh MEANT in his photography...

any hints?

those crazy conservatives...

i was watching the news until i heard this quote from an older gentleman conserning Belinda Stronach`s jumping ship on the conservatives to join the liberals:
`
"Its like Judas giving up Christ. its the same thing."

its TOTALLY like giving up the man who died for our sins to the romans to be cruxified. (if youre into that sort of thing...) I wonder... does that make Steven Harper Jesus? if so, we need a new version of The Last Supper.

About Soccer.

there is something absolutly wonderful about soccer or any physical activity in general. something so great in tellling your body to do something and it actually does it. i cant help but feel amazed when i think "stop ball" and my body just DOES it. it becomes a challenge to do it consitently. the BEST part is when you know you couldnt do it before but now you can. and you want to keep doing it too. im so glad im playing soccer again. providing the team doesnt get into politics, im looking forward to this season. good players, good chemistry.

ch... ch... ch... check it out!

sunday.
5:25pm.
month of may.
year of 2005.



well... school is finally drawing to an end. i should be studying. i have one exam so i should kick ass in it. or else i will be sorely dissapointed in myself.

i want school could be done so i could get on with other plans. i am starting to regret signing up for canoe camping. the few people i know going on the trip i dislike and the other people i dont know are all overly peppy ECCE types or nurses. dont i just fit right in? to be fair i know one guy who i dont want to stab. he's from karate which is credential enough for me to not hate him. hopefully we can keep eachother from going insane.
other than that.. i have a few assignments to do for the end of this week... and thats it for this school term. i need to hang out with people. i have important dates with both ashley and sam. guys, i havent forgotten you! give me a week or two...


lest see... summer.. i think i will be in such insanely good shape this summer.
this is why: tuesday,wednesday,thursday (nights for all three), and saturday mornings i'll have karate. thursday nights (notice the overlap?) soccer games, and hopefully sunday nights we'll have our practices. this leaves me... monday and friday to get out of shape. i think i need a new job too. preferable something only in the mornings.and some place that doesnt jerk you around. yeah. that would be nice too.
ive been thinking of taking some summer art courses in july too. just for fun... i saw some that might be interesting, ill just have to see if my schedual will have room for it. and you know... will i still have time to breathe at that point...


so far ive managed to talk about absolutly nothing at all. im really just killing time before my soccer practice tonight. soccer! first game in two weeks!
so excited!!
oh no... i just realised that thats the day we're getting back from my camping trip... hopefully we'll be back in time. DAMN YOU CAMPING!!!


STAR WARS!! FRIDAY!!! GIDDINESS!!!

allright, im going to wrap this up before i accidentaly erase the whole thing. not that i wrote anything too life altering today..

meh.

so yeah... its been awhile.

ive kind of lost interest in broadcasting my feelings to all the people who read this (whoever they may be). i have a few theories on this. it used to be, people would bug me to update, or would at least seem interested. now... i write them down and i just feel whiney. for example: i dont feel like writing things down, because i feel as though people couldnt care less what i did and didnt write in here. now this is really a simple fact, not some kind of desperate plee for attention. i think i can think up better ways to plead for attention if i really needed it. but at the same time, i feel guilty for saying it, like by writing it down i am somehow charging my friends to do something about it. but really, im just trying to figure out why i never write in here anymore.

im not sure if this its just me, but i never really talk about myself anymore. or at least it feels like it. its not so much that no one really asks(because they do in a "so how are you?" kind of way) its just that... *I* dont want to hear me whine so why should YOU have to?


right. doing what i dont like doing. stopping now.


art show. tuesday. be there! at Heritage in the agora at 7. you can see all my crap on display :P
all my BEST crap that is.
woot.

oh, on the bright side, my driving instructor told me that i will probably need more lessons than normal. my mom was being overly supportive "whatevr it takes sweety!"
okay, thats only a partial truth. she was ridiculously upbeat about it, but i dont think she's ever called me sweety.

this time of year messes with my head. its associated with budding romance and new oppertunities. not stagnant routine. the result is that i dont really know what to do with myself. oh yay! summer! more time to... uh... sleep? take up fun projects around the house? when i think me, i think home decoration and self improvement.
yeesh.


ive always followed my parents to art shows and in the past i just kind of looked at the pretty colours and thought... "oh, thats nice". now im becoming a real art snob. i can actually pick out specifically why and why not i like piece of art. brilliant.
and then i remember that one day im expected to "be creative" and "have inspiration" and i get a little frightened. ive never doubted that one day ill have some sort of career in SOMETHING (though i never knew what). although the other day while i was working, it just hit me. what if i dont? what if i never "make it" and end up working at a coffee shop or a bar for the rest of my life? what happens when you realise you have nothing to offer the world? ugh.. i really dont want to think about it.


i've realise how in love i am with certain type of ceddar forests... they almost seem (to sound cheesy) maygical or something... it that quiet-ness. i cant explain it. i always feel at peace when im in one.



i think i've skipped around from subject to subject enough.. oh, one last note, i saw the cute guy from the coffee shop (still insanely attractive) again. this time i acted like less of a moron. now i know where he works... one step closer to finding out his name...

summer project perhaps?

thereare no words to express what a loser i am.

Your Birthdate: October 4

Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual. Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

so.... i cant decided if its accurate or not...

why i hate computers.

anyone who's ever been to my house has witnessed my father's excessive computer purchasing. he likes having computers or something. he's like the stereotypical woman and her shoes. its disturbing.
anyways, as a computer addict, instead of buying a dvd player, he bought a computer to stash behind the tv. this computer has very few tasks. it stores pictures, music and plays dvds. that is all it is asked to do. and this is why i hate computers: somehow it managed to fuck that up.

see, we have had the thing for no more than 4 months. in the past month it has managed to go through 3 dvd players. it managed to break the only function we actually care about. at first we thought it was the drive itself. afer the third one, we figured that this might not be the case.

the dumbest part is that they always work at the store. in fact the latest one, that we just got back today, they had been playing movies on for 2 days. they even showed my father who can testify that only hours ago, it was working fine. the minute it enters the house, it refuse to acknoledge the presence of dvd movies. it WILL however, in the same drive, read cd-roms and dvd cds that DONT hold movies but other types of file such as music. now there is NO difference between now and maybe 7(ish) hours ago. NONE AT ALL!

COMPUTERS DONT MAKE SENSE.
this is what i have learnt. i refuse to learn more about them. they only bring more anger and pain.


grrrr....



on the plus side i saw Hitch Hiker's guide to the galaxy tonight. it i were to think of it objectively i probably wouldnt like the movie. but i just cant bring myself to dislike it. we all brought towels with us. it was brilliant.

the song was super catchy too... "song long and thanks for all the fish..."

i feel old.

apparently now i just get angry. more and more my gut reaction to things that bother me is angry. used to be i could count the amount of times i got angry in a week on my hands... now at least 2 or 3 times a day i just want to hit something. its always something realy stupid too. so far ive managed to not overreact on anything. im just worried it'll get the best of me and ill blow up and tell someone off for something trivial.


on the plus side, i dont really feel lonely all that much...


all my muscles ache. i hate the cold and the damp. they make me feel a thousand years old.

hyper to pissed in 30 seconds flat.

wow.



i mean, just wow.



isnt it great when you find out that you suck at your job through the boss's daughter?

hello new summer job... i need to find a job where there is less drama. WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY TALK TO EACHOTHER.


i need a real job.

UPDATE:

success!

To Create

i am feeling all hyped up. and not tired. when was the last time i wasnt tired? I dont know, apparently getting a full night's sleep has its advantages. who knew ?

next up, 3 square meals a day.

yet another successful trip to value village if only for this totally fantastic yellow skirt i got. i tried it on again awhile back and have yet to take it off. its actually comfortable. skirt? comfortable? who knew?

i also got something for the awards banquet. in fact, i put away all my self respect and got some slinky black dress which emphasizes my complete and utter lack of cleavage. now i am aware that having big boobs is a pain in the ass. understand that this is not what i am looking for. i would simply, very simply, enjoy the presence of SOME, not ALOT, just SOME kind of breasts. not even just to feel better about myself as a person, really just for simplicity sake. i dont overly care about how it'll look, its just a pain in the arse to find clothes that fit when you have no breasts. ie-this dress. engh... now i need to COMPLETLY get rid of any shred of self respect i hd left, and find myself a strapless push-up bra. oh the humiliation. i promised myself that i would never touch the contraptions since they.... well... suck.

what is this awards banquet doing to me???

now to forget these trials and tribulations, i suggest we all be royaly merry and come back to my place. and by all i mean select few.

very select few. big party at my house??? NO!!!!!


and now to ask the parentals.... (wish me luck!)

my lips hurt....

....

will you kiss them better?

heh heh.... i couldnt help it. i wrote the first line and the second just HAD to follow.
now mostly just to get rid of the stupid angsty, self involved crap in the last post, here's more stuff about me. ha.

its sad because its true.

so yeah, here are some things i drew before. the comic is something my brother and i were joking about while talking about another comic. i didnt really like the idea of the original comic (shhh, dont tell patty, he still doesnt know) but i thought this was funny... or it was funny at the time and not so much now. either way, here is is. i was trying to get something i drew on paper onto the computer and my dad insisted i use the digital camera. i did, and after tweeking with it a bit (see: ALOT) you have what you see there. not a whole lot but meh...

the second... that one came from some idea i got sometime before christmas while waiting for a bus outside rideau. i posted a close up drawing of the face a long while ago and i finally finished the whole thing. the lamp is ugly but i spent so much time getting the perspective right that i didnt have the heart to change it. i like pretty much everything else though, especially the snow.

and last (i just realised that im doing this backwards for you guys... im going in order that i posted them by the way) is the first thing i seriously drew on the tablet when i first got it. it has its own charm. not much else to say about it.


and thats that.



I call this one grey. 

needlessly clichay (ingnoring the fact that i cant spell clichay...) 

my crappy comic number two 

tone that angst down a lilittle, will ya?

soo.... i should be sleeping. but, i went to bed, read the last 5 pages of my book, and proceded to stare up at my ceiling without turning the light off. this lasted for maybe 20 minutes. not THAT long compared to the horror stories i hear of people laying in bed for hours, sleepless, but during that short time, my mind just kept rattling on and on. it was like i was writing a blog entry in my head. i figured, while it might not make me sleepier, it might make me more satisfied with myself if i put some of it down in writing.

from day to day, i change my mind about my... how shall we put it... self-state. how am I? alot of days i just feel lonely. some days i feel as though ive lost all my friends and they are better off without me and why oh why am i so alone? other days i feel so surrounded with love and support that i dont even need that "special someone" in my life. other days i feel alone but im convinced i dont really need anyone else, i can keep myself busy. or i just dont want to be tied down by that someone else, or i love the people around me but having a relationship wouldnt be so bad, or im glad all my friends have someone, but why cant i?
as you might have noticed, alot of these are quite similar with only slight variations. the truth of the matter is, im not quite sure which one it is.

i see people who are so head over heals in love that i simply cannot comprehend. i dont understand it. ive loved people and cared for them immensly but i dont really think ive been IN LOVE. that mysterious feeling that everyone rants and raves about. i figure if its that great i couldnt have just... missed it... right? the whole thing is somewhat of a mystery. anyways, i want to feel something that strong. i want a feeling THAT strong that is positive. heck... sometimes id like to feel something that strong thats negative. sometimes i feel like i dont feel much of anything at all. im not sure if you guys understand...


ha.... hey, maybe im gay? ... naaaaah... guys are just TOO damn attractive for me to be gay. heh heh... it was a passing thought.


like i said before, i finished a book today. the author killed off my favorite character. i was kind of pissed. actually... pissed isnt really the right word. more like... why would he do that? why would he build up such a wonderful character, make him so bloody likable... actually carry him from the first book to the second book of the series and suddenly just off him. he wasnt even a secondary character!!! permit me to be all deep and pretentious and shit, but perhaps thats because thats how life goes. main characters die in life. they dont magically make their way out of the burning house everytime. life goes on without them.
sorry, ive been watching episodes of six feet under. its making me all philosophical about death.or at least.... trying to. im not all that good at this deep business.

ihad my second drivin lesson today. less scary... kinda... he had me go out onto the highway. that part was NOT cool. i wondered if he realised that im mortally afraid of other vehicles on the road. perhaps i should have printed him out The List. i still cant believe that im trusted behind the wheel of such a huge chunk of metal that could actually KILL someone. ive never been in control of something that could kill a person at the smallest mistake from me. this is what scares me with driving. it could go so wrong so fast, especially with a twat like me behind the wheel.

it will soon be a year since ive had a serious relationship. another month or two, thats all. i think that it doesnt matter one way or another since im not going to meet anyone new anytime soon. as for why, i am considering a few options:
a) i am physically unatractive
b) my personality is unatractive/uninteresting
c) my complete inability to meet new people
d) {d only kicks in once i overcome a,b and c} im kind of picky
and the ever charming option:
e) all of the above.


oh and as a last remark referring to the erased post i wrote about last time, the short version of it is that im afraid that if i ever lose interest in my art i will have nothing else to fall back on and i will be purposeless and sad and that by actually persuing the art feild, it brings me closer to that real possibility.

and that about covers it.

wow

i just wrote perhaps one of the most sincere and heartfelt posts id writen in weeks and it never got posted.


i officially want to go to bed and not wake up for 3 days...

my rabbit layed an egg.

welp.... easter has come and gone once again in the cloutier household. got chocolate, saw little mikey, took about half a dozen pictures of him. couldnt help it, he is damn cute.

as far as long weekends go, i had a rather good one. i didnt end up alone every night which is good. it keeps me feeling at least slightly worthwhile. i learnt a few things, especially on friday night... yeeesh. played alot of risk. read alot in the past week just in general.

love is in the air....

*cough*

geez guys, save some for the rest of us.

and by us i mean me.


...


obviously.


i both crave and fear change. or maybe its that i dont want everyone else to change without me.

and with that... eugh.

it's friday, alrighty

the title is from a jingle they play on the radio on friday. its incredibly irritating but catchy as many irritating things are.

well, it's 8:45 on a friday. my shift was moved to 11 instead of nine. im not sure if that means im only working 3 hours or if ill just be staying later. i hope my brother remembered right... i always get nervous when i get messages from work through family. ESPECIALLY through my brother. when i pressure him to make sure about what they say he just says.... uuuhhh, yeah i think thats what they said...
it makes me very nervous.

its funny. taking the bus at different times of the day opens you to a whole world of different types of people. for example, taking the last bus to aylmer at 12:30, means the bus will be filled with inebriated young people. who talk loud. and smell bad. boo.

ashley, we had fun. again. soon. (perhaps involving alcohol :P)

gah... i was so sure i had things to say... but i forget them all now. crap! i think i have to fill in a tax return or something... dammit, when are those due? ill need to hound my father.

did i mention i hate it when people stare over my shoulder.


heheh... i have this bad habbit of ignoring the computers that are malfunctioning in our house in hopes that someone else will fix it. im lazy that way. okay, not so much lazy as incompetent. maybe a little of both.

sometimes being invisible is fun. sometimes not so much. everything in moderation.

okay, i think ive exhausted my flow of random useless words to say... even though i dont really feel like leaving the computer...



blah.

new day, new issues.

so today i had my first driving lesson.

having never even come CLOSE to driving before, i was naturally nervous.

the first thought i had upon sitting behind the wheel and pulling out from the parking spot was: does this man know that i dont know how to drive? why am i sitting behind the wheel of A FREAKIN' CAR???
i can hardly trust the instructions of a man who would let the likes of me behind the wheel.

fortunatly i didnt kill anyone or break anything. i was supposed to be learning manual since thats what both our cars are but im kind of glad that i forgot to mention that at the beginning of the lesson. i dont think i could have handled CHANGING GEARS on top of, you know... stopping and turning. i was actually more or less getting the hang of it by the time we finished. that is until we got to the parking lot and he expected me to pull into the parking lot. then it all kind of fell apart. granted, his instructions were super unclear and i had absolutly no idea as to what he was trying to tell me at this point. but i survived.

everytime i thought i was doing well on the small streets he'd have me pull into a street with ACTUAL TRAFFIC. and MORE THAN ONE LANE. these scared me. also scary are : ONCOMING TRAFFIC, SCHOOL ZONES, U-TURNS, PEDESTRIANS, CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, TRAFFIC LIGHTS, SNOWBANKS and PARKING LOTS.

oh and driving BACKWARDS.


i have a feeling im going to be an extremely cautious driver.

a night on the town,

... is what i wish i had had last night.

im getting kind of tired of going home and watching movies alone. im getting kind of tired of spending my lunch hours at school drawing in the halls or playing with photoshop in the computer lab, im getting kind of tired of not really talking to people. im getting kind of tired of being alone.

im thankful to alex who seems to be the only person, without questionable intentions, to invite me to do thing lately. if im forgetting someone im sorry.

the thing is, im not even all that unhappy. i dont cry myself to sleep, or stop eating or start eating like mad. im not depressed. im just feeling lonely and static. static as in every day is the same, every day is predictable. for the first time that i can remember, i am actually looking forward to leave this place. i want to see new faces, new places.

the OTHER thing is, that i probably could avoid spending this time alone but i somehow just dont. its always the same conversations and a bitter, petty part of me has decided that if people dont make the effort to see me, then its because they dont want to see me and therefore why should i submit myself upon them. either way, its a big crappy endless cycle that only ends when i start listenning to the common sense i would dish out to anyone having the same problem as me.

halfway through this i decided to save this as a draft and not post it but now i realised that i dont REALLY care that much. to all the overburdened souls out there, heh, sorry. if its any consolation, i dont expect any outside person to fix this. life is all about perception so all i need to do is change said perception.


changing..... NOW






PS. i tried to posta picture but i dont think it worked. but in case it did... heres a picture!

life is funny

it runs in cycles.




im back in grade 8. smells like home. actually, now that i think of it, its funny the parallels that could be drawn between that year and now. of course things are different now. its nowhere near as bad as it was then. but now im used to all that sunshine and freshair i got.
enh well
*if you checked this post between midnight on tusday and 8:45am wednesday it'll be different than it is now. not VERY different, but i took out a few things that didnt really apply*



in the meantime, let us meditate on melodrama. i have not met the person who will pass up the chance of a messy pointless clash when the simple easy borign solution is sitting right there.


myself included.

of morning thoughts...

i love waking up to sunshine.

HOOOOOOHA!

that little bit up there ^^^^ is curtosy of the thingy i just did in photoshop. as in, thats what i randomly named it. its the random title of the day. fun fun...

i have approximatly 3 minutes to finish this post, gather my junk, put my coat on, exit the school and catch a bus.

i wish i had time to go downtown... maybe i do!....



no, i dont think i do



but i wish i could...




but i cant.



but oh how i wish i could.














fine, im going now.

you know you cant help it. smile. 

its a mental blip

yep.
i did it.
i wrote and drew a comic all by myself. its no wonder it turned out as crappy as it did. the joke came to me while i was standing outside the chiropracter waiting for my mom. it SEEMED funny at the time... enh well. i slacked off... no background, some liberal use of copy and paste... however, i actually wanted a sketchy colouring look but i didnt think it would look that bad. maybe ill redo it some day...

HA!

my favorite part is the slouch in the last pannel.


Introducing..... SUPER SLOUCH!!! 

booooooooooooored

so very bored. i have nothing oh nothing to do. bleh. for once i dont want to sit on my arse and do nothing at home (which im usually kind of okay with) but would really like to go out. almost enough to make me want to call sean back. heh... right.

i guess its my fault. didnt make any concrete plans. and now its too late to call someone but too early to go to bed.


random facts of the day:
i got my learners permit on thursday. about time. i am a late bloomer.
i hung out with sean today. oh random of randomness.



GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! i feel like bashing my head on the desk. i am SO very bored. i want to do something new. i thought by getting involved with different things would keep me busy but all its done is sink me into a more predictable routine. my life right now is boring. god i hate "my life sucks" competitions. you all win. i dont WANT my life to be boring, i wish it were interesting. then everyone could say
"my life sucks" and i wouldnt contest them in the least. not that there is anything particularly bad about my life.

parents are not supposed to be rational beings. i dont know what happened to mine. they should give seminars.










SEBVDIHWE()^$(%@$)_RWJKFRTJTF9




i want something.

the cat came back.

before i start about anything to do with the past week id like to go back to my post about relationships and particularly the comments posted about it.

first of all, i wasnt really talking about love in any way shape or form. if you are experiencing any form of love than you are way past my trivial drivle. i was talking before things like love... i was talking the initial interest in people. this is all assuming you people dont believe in the whole "love at first sight" shebang... that whole shpeal i was making back there was more or less me getting over my "whats the worst that can happen?" past. trying to look past the impulsive emotions and looking at the person themselves and not whatever thing is going on with you now. or something of that sort...

at least thats all ive got for now.


so yeah, the ski trip. tremblant.

well lets see... the weather was as good as it gets at tremblant. its always stupid windy and cold at the top. it only snowed on the days we drove to and back from the hill. i cant decide if this isa good thing or not.. the hill was full of young, cute british boys which were fun to listen to and look at but of course i didnt talk to any. so yeah... it was about average as far as family vacations go. read Briget Jones's Diary. halfway through the sequel. that book really makes me want to hang out with friends and drink. not good for the whole cutting back on drinking resolution i know... i really need you people to either take up skiing/snowboarding and get jobs so we can actually go on these types of trips. minus the family. or this summer.. i REALLY want to go on a road trip. the type were you fill a car with crap, bring a lump sum of money and start driving in some random direction spending as little as possible and only comming back whent then money starts to run out. that would rock.

either way... i have some blogging/comic-ing catching up to do.

emily out.

tomorrow morning at 8:30 am SHARP (as my mother keeps reminding me) we shall be, as they call it, "hitting the road". off to merry old tremblant. i will try and make the best of it... get some fresh air, snow... take long hot baths... eat three squares meals a day, be healthy for a week... maybe read... draw... i will be positive!


dont do anything stupid while im gone.. wait until i get back.

sunday.

Mark this night.

im in a good mood. thats why you should mark this night, there havent been much of them as of late. as it turns out, i enjoy my family. maybe being stuck with them for a week wont be so bad. i'll give myself until day 4 before i want to kill them all. im being optamistic.

things of note:
-im drinking an orange juice and vanilla ice cream float. its quite tasty.

-today my parents bought me a new ski suit. it is the last ski suit they will ever buy me. it was a momentous occasion. my mother said it felt like she was buying mea going away present. the deadline ive set for myself is to, one way or another, bugger off after the next school year. so i have a little over a year to enjoy my freeloading and still being a kid. after that, its real world time, being an adult, paying the bills... grocery shopping... laudromats... tune in later to see if my release into the wild brings forth bloodshed or thrivingness (new words are fun)

- my brother and i have concocted an exciting new project. its all very hush hush. tune in soon for advancements on the plot. actually it should be very lame considering it was my mom's idea. oh well. we shall see
...




(the suspense is killing you, i can tell)

-i think im cutting back on the drinking... i know ive said this before and its always come crashing down around me but... i dont know. again, we'll see. its something i would like to do for myself.

man this float rocks. like... hardcore.

matters of the heart perplex me. its something ive noticed in myself and in others but since im exposed to myself much more than other people, i tend to notice it more in me. (random thought: i wish i were funnier) you would think that if its in YOUR head, and you are basically generating these thoughts/feeling/impulses/whatever that they would at least make sense. but when you sit down and think of the thins you strive for, and lets be honnest, the people we try to be with and what have you, its just a mess. a does not lead to be and when they do its for the sole purpose of contradicting c. im sure you know what i mean. let me elaborate. i shall, this night, examine the inner workings of the hormone invested chaotic mind of the average adolescent/young adult. people, this is like examining angst at its very core. i predict i will get nowhere.

now when one start to feel the familiar dreaded/covetted squishy feeling in the stomach sometimes called the common "crush" there are several factors to consider before you can actually say you indeed like this person as a person and not for some confused slurr of feelings. first, consider: are you desperate. seriously. are you so desperatly looking for any (and for the sake of conversation lets make it male since... well.... its easier for ME that way) remotely interesting, funny, entertaining and (lets face it) goodlooking fellow out there that you would jump on the one who comes even CLOSE to whatever standards you have set for yourself. now by desperate i dont necessarily mean do you just want to jump his bones. if you do indeed just want sex... well... you're in luck! its surprisingly easy to get! but im not talking about that. is it possible that you feel shitty about yourself and need a "conquest" under your belt and the squishy feeling is simply the call of the hunt. obviously the need to pat yourself on the shoulder is not exactly a noble one and you're a disgusting person for thinking and should, for the good of humanity, be neutored. im joking. no one is perfect. you cant control how you feel but you can control how you act. tip: do not get into a "thing" when you fit the above mention category. and if you do or have in the past.... well.. heh. learn from it. i have a feeling im rambling.

moving on. the next feeling that can be mistaken for genuine "like" is another type of desperation. perhaps you need validation. someone to tell you you're great and worht their time. thats fine and all but if thats all you have, it quickly becomes unsatisfying. next there is the need to fit in. perhaps all your friends have significant others or at least put alot of importance in getting one. maybe you're pressured into getting into something you rather stay away from. i like to do things for myself personally... maybe you want the stability and security of a relationship... maybe you just dont know how to say no when someone asks you out. maybe you got bored. maybe its purely physical. maybe you dont actually like the person but the idea of them. maybe you have them marked as your saviour. that one is kind of a combination of the above. maybe you were drunk...


either way, any of those reasons are terrible escuses to get into a relationship. now you can see how with all these crazy confusing emotions needs blah blah blah why the teenage generation is so angtsy. they cant figure out their own heads, how are they supposed to figure out the world? okay so after all these BAD reasons to get into a relationship, whats a GOOD one? ..... beats me. i am part of he afore mentioned generation. im the angst queen. all i can think if are reasons not to persue people. then i forget the reasons, make a stupid decision, and reinstate the reasons. its like the elite club. when you're out, you can wait to get in. when you're in its.. well, this aint so great. lets go home.

in conclusion, these are all excuses i make up to distract myself from the fact that i dont actually have a CHOICE in my single status at this point in time. enh well... what can you do?

be angsty!!!

its a little me time..

or... you know.. something.

i realised that i had never seriously drawn myself. and so i did. or at least i tried. according to my parents, who randomly showed up and started critisizing the thing, im not that "chunky" and i didnt quite capture the face. well poo to them. as it turns out, the face IS kinda cruddy... meh... it was an attempt.

lets see... what else can i say about me life? i didnt study for art history because of this.. that has to be something, right?

right?


"me"... sorta. 

TADA!!! pt.2

okay, so here's the same thing plus a few changes... i darkened some parts a bit more and i blurred it for some reason... it seemed like a good idea at the time...
what do you think? better or worse? *cringe*


jaded plus background and some changes 

*sigh* this is totally going to become a site where i just post random pictures from now on. i hope you guys realise this...

i just realise how much time i spent on this....

crap.

TADAAA!!!!

as you can see, ive figured out how to post pictures. or rather, i followed bloggers new step by step program which makes the whole process completly idiot proof.
the one directly bellow is my most recent photoshop experiment. for all you photoshop users out there, for some reason i only used one layer. i just felt like it okay... i have one with a crappy back ground that makes it look all scary and stuff but i havent gotten around to saving it in jpg form. enh well.

the face below that is a small piece of a much bigger and unfinished drawing. eventually it will be full colour and all fancy like. eventually.


jaded