I'm not sure if I officially mentioned that I applied for the winter/spring 2008 season (because my life isn't official until I blog about it. Hold on while I puke.) While I never had high hopes, partially because my application wasn't that hot and partially because... well.... I suck (PITY FEST 2008). Basically they have had 2 shows since we got back and I've gotten no email. At this point I'm pretty much resigned to applying again next year. I've taken to checking the VAV Gallery website a few times a week to see if they have updated this semester's schedule. I don't think I'll feel it's official until I see it. I suppose the mature thing to do would be to email them but.. uh... yeah... I'm totally a child.
Last weekend when I was back at home I ran into Mark Glassford and we got to chatting. Random, I know. I am now going to take a completely narcissistic view of the conversation. What I came to realize is that I really have no clue what the hell I'm talking about, ESPECIALLY when it comes to art. I just start talking and random words come out that sound like they COULD go together and as I say them out loud I slow down as I realize that I had no plan of action with what I was saying. Then I stop speaking and I frown. This is usually when the person I'm talking to smiles at me and I smile sheepishly back and we both have a good ole' chuckle at Emily, because she doesn't actually know whats going on. Seriously, when it comes to explaining why I do what I do in painting or drawing or whatever, I can't even take myself seriously. I feel like this is something I should have thought of. Something I should be able to discuss and debate, instead of getting confused after a few sentences. (PITY FEST 2008)
Later on in the weekend I went out for a beer with my friend Ben. Ben is in a cartooning program at UQO but from the sounds of it seems to be getting a well rounded studio arts education. He asked me in all earnestness if I ever had any problems with people stealing my ideas. Ben is a talented guy and apparently he's had problems with people helping themselves to his ideas. I couldn't help but laugh. Honestly, I can't imagine ANYONE taking my "ideas", if you could call them that. Classmates say to me in conversation "oh yeah, you do abstract, right?". I "do" abstract. Apparently it's what I "do". What does that even mean? So what, is that like my "thing"? People say it like it's a dirty word too. That and collage (that one's for you Rhonda). Seriously though.... I do abstract. URGH. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? WHAT AM I DOING??? (PITY FEST 2008) Sorry, but sometimes people need a bit of virtual space to have a meltdown. I spend more time thinking about painting than I do painting. That just occurred to me. Does that even mean anything?
Fuck why is it that all I ever talk about is myself?
(end PITY FEST 2008, SEE YOU IN 2009)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Too personal?
The Gimp says:
I think you are naturally predisposed to being uneasy when you admit that you are in love with someone.
The Gimp says:
and you is the universal
The Gimp says:
you are basically telling them that you are now leaning on them a little bit
The Gimp says:
and you know that if they don't lean back the "free standing" marvel that the two of you create topples.
The Gimp says:
better put
The Gimp says:
he can hurt
The Gimp says:
you
The Gimp says:
really bad
The Gimp says:
just by saying that he's changed his mind
The Gimp says:
but the thing of it is
The Gimp says:
I don't think you would feel that way about someone without them feeling it back.
The Gimp says:
and this time the you is more specific
Gee Alex, when did you get so smart?
I think you are naturally predisposed to being uneasy when you admit that you are in love with someone.
The Gimp says:
and you is the universal
The Gimp says:
you are basically telling them that you are now leaning on them a little bit
The Gimp says:
and you know that if they don't lean back the "free standing" marvel that the two of you create topples.
The Gimp says:
better put
The Gimp says:
he can hurt
The Gimp says:
you
The Gimp says:
really bad
The Gimp says:
just by saying that he's changed his mind
The Gimp says:
but the thing of it is
The Gimp says:
I don't think you would feel that way about someone without them feeling it back.
The Gimp says:
and this time the you is more specific
Gee Alex, when did you get so smart?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
One small step...
This is my newest in progress painting. In progress means not done. Surprisingly, I think it looks better in photograph than it does it person. For one the colours are better here; the blue are slightly more purple-y on the original. Once again, I have mixed feelings about it. That is all.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
My Stomach Has Something to Say.
Tomorrow will be my first day back at school. I am both looking forward to it and am slightly concerned. For the past week I have accomplished absolutely nothing (other than reading which I guess is something) and have rarely left the house. Since I finished school I have not picked up a single drawing or painting tool and what's worse is that I haven't wanted to. I'm hopeful that my return to school will kick start my productivity but I'm also worried that it won't. In fact, I'm REALLY worried that I'm slowly losing interest in doing what I thought was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I am terrified that I am slowly realizing that what I previously fondly called my "bullshit degree" (with self-deprecating good humor) is becoming not quite so fond-feeling-inducing.... (yeah, I totally make sense).
Basically I'm afraid that all along I was a directionless fuck-up just waiting until the art novelty wore off.
But also... and I'm almost afraid of saying this out loud in case I might jinx it... The classes I've been most looking forward to are academic and have little or nothing to do with my major. Next year, once I realize that I'm in my final year of my BFA (and we all know what that stands for) I am going to have a major crisis. The Who Am I? What Am I Doing? Where Am I Going? kind of deal. Right now I just keep convincing myself that I time to figure it out.
Basically I'm afraid that all along I was a directionless fuck-up just waiting until the art novelty wore off.
But also... and I'm almost afraid of saying this out loud in case I might jinx it... The classes I've been most looking forward to are academic and have little or nothing to do with my major. Next year, once I realize that I'm in my final year of my BFA (and we all know what that stands for) I am going to have a major crisis. The Who Am I? What Am I Doing? Where Am I Going? kind of deal. Right now I just keep convincing myself that I time to figure it out.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy Holidays
So a lot of people have been asking me how my christmas/holidays were and I don't really know what to tell them. I don't really want to be repeating myself constantly so this is it. Basically it was both fantastic and heartbreaking. All the good stuff like spending time with David's family in London and being home with my family was somewhat dampened by the news that my uncle has cancer.
He found out a week before christmas and then learned that it has spread to his brain. Just letting you know now that unless I bring it up, I don't really want to talk about it. I'm just sort of getting this out now. He is my uncle through marriage to my aunt and they have only been married for about 5 years. He's a really great guy and I like him a lot but I don't have much of a connection with him. So as much as I'm sad for him, I'm mostly upset for my aunt. She has had a tough live and she is probably the strongest person I have ever met. They seem so happy together; they were going to retire, sell their house and move into a cottage that they just bought. It breaks my heart that she's going to have to do it all alone. I know I've lead a privileged life and I don't have any close experience with death. So far I've mostly just avoided thinking about it.
My uncle was a smoker most of his life and quit recently. He is also a carpenter who has worked countless construction jobs involving god knows what kind chemical dusts (he knows he's worked with at least two kinds of asbestos). He's in his 60s now so when he started in the construction business asking for any kind of protection was like asking to be fired. Whether it's the smoking that has caught up with him or the unsafe working conditions or a combination of both, no one can know.
I think that's all I have to say about that for now.... SEGWAY
The thing with smoking is that no one is a saint. I'm not going to tell the people I love that I don't care if they smoke (when I say smoke I mean any kind smoke inhalation) because I do. But it's their lives and I don't particularly want people questioning my choices so I'm not going to question theirs. I do plenty of things that aren't good for me, including the occasional smoking and I'm not looking for people to make me feel guilty about these things. I make myself feel guilty. So if you want to smoke cigarettes every day or weed or hukkah, I'm not going to make you feel guilty. That's your choice. You know how unhealthy it is as much as I do. But I don't give you my blessing. If you ask me what I think I won't pretend that I'm cool with it. I will tell you that it upsets me. But that's if you ask me. Otherwise it's part of your life and I will not butt in. I'm not your mother, I won't nag or lecture or try to make you feel bad. While I can't respect the choice I can respect that the choice is yours to make. There, I think that is the most concise way to put it.
Like I said, no one, especially myself, is a saint. One day you will in all likely hood see me smoking weed or a hukkah. I try and convince myself that these are rare occasions but I know it happens more often than I would like. And while I don't feel particularly guilty it's not something that I take much pride in either. I guess in my mind there's a difference between a once and a while thing and an everyday thing. But that is my VERY VERY biased opinion. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. This isn't an attack on anybody. This is basically a "you do what you want and I'll do what I want" kind of deal.
So that's that.
Really, I had quite a nice vacation despite my uncle (mostly by just not thinking about it). I got to eat plenty of amazing food, spent lots of time with David, see my family and it was generally pleasant. I do however feel like I spent most of the time traveling... I calculated something like a little over 30 hours on the road. UGH.
Yeah, I think this post is long and depressing enough. I hope you guys all had lovely breaks filled with good food and hugs.
He found out a week before christmas and then learned that it has spread to his brain. Just letting you know now that unless I bring it up, I don't really want to talk about it. I'm just sort of getting this out now. He is my uncle through marriage to my aunt and they have only been married for about 5 years. He's a really great guy and I like him a lot but I don't have much of a connection with him. So as much as I'm sad for him, I'm mostly upset for my aunt. She has had a tough live and she is probably the strongest person I have ever met. They seem so happy together; they were going to retire, sell their house and move into a cottage that they just bought. It breaks my heart that she's going to have to do it all alone. I know I've lead a privileged life and I don't have any close experience with death. So far I've mostly just avoided thinking about it.
My uncle was a smoker most of his life and quit recently. He is also a carpenter who has worked countless construction jobs involving god knows what kind chemical dusts (he knows he's worked with at least two kinds of asbestos). He's in his 60s now so when he started in the construction business asking for any kind of protection was like asking to be fired. Whether it's the smoking that has caught up with him or the unsafe working conditions or a combination of both, no one can know.
I think that's all I have to say about that for now.... SEGWAY
The thing with smoking is that no one is a saint. I'm not going to tell the people I love that I don't care if they smoke (when I say smoke I mean any kind smoke inhalation) because I do. But it's their lives and I don't particularly want people questioning my choices so I'm not going to question theirs. I do plenty of things that aren't good for me, including the occasional smoking and I'm not looking for people to make me feel guilty about these things. I make myself feel guilty. So if you want to smoke cigarettes every day or weed or hukkah, I'm not going to make you feel guilty. That's your choice. You know how unhealthy it is as much as I do. But I don't give you my blessing. If you ask me what I think I won't pretend that I'm cool with it. I will tell you that it upsets me. But that's if you ask me. Otherwise it's part of your life and I will not butt in. I'm not your mother, I won't nag or lecture or try to make you feel bad. While I can't respect the choice I can respect that the choice is yours to make. There, I think that is the most concise way to put it.
Like I said, no one, especially myself, is a saint. One day you will in all likely hood see me smoking weed or a hukkah. I try and convince myself that these are rare occasions but I know it happens more often than I would like. And while I don't feel particularly guilty it's not something that I take much pride in either. I guess in my mind there's a difference between a once and a while thing and an everyday thing. But that is my VERY VERY biased opinion. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. This isn't an attack on anybody. This is basically a "you do what you want and I'll do what I want" kind of deal.
So that's that.
Really, I had quite a nice vacation despite my uncle (mostly by just not thinking about it). I got to eat plenty of amazing food, spent lots of time with David, see my family and it was generally pleasant. I do however feel like I spent most of the time traveling... I calculated something like a little over 30 hours on the road. UGH.
Yeah, I think this post is long and depressing enough. I hope you guys all had lovely breaks filled with good food and hugs.
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