Sometimes the best policy just sucks.

everyone who knows me knows how much honnesty means to me. The surest and easiest way to hurt me is to lie to me. You can call me a bitch to my face and I would be hurt, but I'd get over it. The times I hold a grudge is when you said "hey, how's it going!" but were thinking....what a bitch.

The thing is, if you lie to me, I will believe you. If you deceive me, I won't catch on. I have a very hard time calling anyone who takes advantage of this trust a friend. Thats not to say I can't forgive. I do. But forgetting is harder.

But what happens if situations are reversed? what if someone really IS better off not knowing? Is there such a thing? I don't know. Maybe so. But that goes against my value number two. You cannot decide whats best for another person. It is not your right. You don't get to withold information on the basis that "they're better off not knowing". You owe them the truth, whatever it may be.

Okay, that was more me figuring something out for myself. You have just witnessed my thought process.

I was going to say something melodramatic like "when did life get so complicated?" but who am I kidding? I've been living in a soap opera since grade 11. sure sometimes it calmed down on commercial breaks but confusion and drama is ALWAYS just around the corner. Sometimes I look back on the more particularly ridiculous dramas that I have both witnessed with my friend and that have happened to me and I just think... did that REALLY happen to us? Did I REALLY do that? Did he really say that? Did they really not realise? Were we REALLY all that stupid?
Okay, so not stupid.
But honnestly, one of us should write a book. Or a stupid teen drama. We could call it 'The AY'. oh look, she made a funny....

But here's my advice to you all. If EVER you find yourself in a particularly confusing emotional period with a person, get it all out at the time. Or at least shortly after. Because trust me, you don't want to have that final revealing moment where "it all comes out" on a drunken night 2 or 3 years freakin' later.

Or do.
It could make for an interesting story.

But what would I know?

And so ends day 3...

only two more days of this week from hell. Im tired, my back is broken, I need to reach viki (if you read this vik, call my cell tomorrow) and I havent seen or heard from the boy since monday night. By this point I'm just worried.*tries hard not to sound like an obsessive girlfriend*

Only 15 more hours of retail hell before christmas. I so want it to be christmas right now just so that this week can be over.

My back is so sore... I'm going to take a hot shower.

I have 4 blankets on my bed. mmmm...

It's 8:45am and Im already obsessively checking my emails. And so it begins...

I also lost my wallet. As much as it sucks, it's made worse by the fact that I havent finished my christmas shopping... that and I've lost all my ID, money, blah blah blah....

shit.

I am le tired.

I feel the need to talk.

Correction: I feel the need to complain.

Has anyone ever noticed that when you're in a bad mood you take it out on the people you care about the most? At least I do... Most people I'm able to put up a brave front to and smile but for the few people I'm closest to I get snappy, grumpy and basically just bitchy. so... I guess if Im bitchy around you... take it as a compliment?

I feel very drained. The past week or so has left me feeling very empty. I don't feel like a good person, I don't feel inspired by aanything, I don't feel funny,I don't feel responsible, I don't feel brave, I don't feel talented... In fact I don't feel much at all other than mild irritation about not feeling (if that makes any sense at all...). It's as though I don't have energy for emotional outbreaks.

It's entirely possible that I'm just tired. Lack of sleep, stress and frustration have turned me pretty unsocial. I could have done a few things tonight but I opted to go home, call viki and eat some grilled cheese in sweatpants. and I don't regret it.

My school work has taken a turn for the worse. My self portrait is probably the ugliest thing I have done this year. I couldnt hand in my poster on time despite it being done with time to spare and my project for philosophy hasnt been handed in yet for absolutly no other reason than I just haven't gotten around to doing it.
Oh and I have an exam on monday that I haven't studied for.

Did I mention that I'm working 43 hours this week?

And that Emma is leaving for three weeks?

And that I've only done about half of my christmas shopping and Im running out of time (re: working 43 hours this week)?

The funniest thing about all of this is that I don't feel sad or depressed or any of that junk... I just feel empty really. The more I write the more I think this all has to do with the lack of sleep. I dont think I've slept for more than 6 hours a night for the past 4 or 5 nights. most nights it was less actually.

I told Viki this the other day and now I'll tell you. I've come to associate the thought of me moving out with me chopping of all my hair late one night in front of a mirror in my new bathroom. For some reason, this makes the thought of moving out all the more appealing.



Guys... what if once im all on my own, I realise that I suck at living?

what then?

URGENT NOTE TO SELF

must call Viki.