snow!

Up yours no-snow, it's snowing!

About a year ago, on January 4th, I wrote this:

When things don't go my way, the anwser is not to bitch and whine, it's to do something about it.

And so Emily impliments her new plan: Forget about it, think of something else. This applies for anything that has the potential of making me wallow in self pity. Life is too short for that shit. Be proactive, go out, make a bracelet, go to karate, paint, draw....

...GO SKIING!!!

While I obviously can't go skiing, the rest still stands. I won't lie, I've been wallowing. With good reason or not, I don't know, but that's not really the point. I need to DO something that isn't not doing something.

Ironically, today was fantastic mostly because I did nothing. Nothing at all. Oh, and I got and iPod nano... It's green. We're in love. I want its green babies.

I intend on cramming in as much fun as I (and my liver) can handle in the next week. No more Emily-mopey-pants.

and for christ's sakes, SNOW DAMMIT.

Of shit shoulders.

Now from what I hear this isnt all that uncommon... Have you ever rotated you shoulder only to hear them crunch oddly? Im guessing yes. Mine have the past few years, mostly when I start dragging a laptop around or if I spent all night drawing. I've always felt like it was as though there were rocks in my shoulder socket.

Lately things have gotten to a whole new scale. Whether its long hours at work or my old bed or both, but since I've been back home my back has gone into a whole new scale of bad. When I rotate my shoulders I feel like I dont really have a shoulder socket anymore, its just a sack of rocks grinding against eachother. If you were quiet enough I think you could hear them from across the room.

But I took a bath so they back to the normal sort of disfunctional, which I, along with most other people with shitty backs, have learnt to live with.

I find the whole thing vaguely humorous.

Ode to piss off asshole.

I've been lying in bed for the past hour desperatly trying to sleep since I get up at 6:30 tomorrow and work 9 hours. Instead of sleep, I've been tossing and turning raging in my mind against the world. I suppose it started as just general pissed-offed-ness, at things in general, mostly Emma (for absolutly no reason other than he was in my head for no reason again) and my manager (for very good reason). It soon focused into very specific anger at my manager. I tried thinking of something else but all that was going through my mind was what I'd tell her if I were to ever tell her off, or what I'd say in complaint about her to my boss. So here I am, getting rid of it so that I can FUCKING SLEEP ALREADY.

The woman pisses me off. When she isnt in face eating mode (which is rare), she's a very cool person. A little snobby, but in a funny way. But for the past week, every word out of her mouth to the floor staff has been angry and unprofessional. Here's the kicker, she's basement manager and yet she feels the need to tell floor staff off at every opportunity. I understand she has a tough and demanding job, I'd even concede that she has the hardest job at the store. I don't know if she does or not, but I'd be willing to believe it for agruments sake. I understand that she's stressed. But I'd be a hell of a lot more sympathetic if she wasnt constantly insinuating (and often outright saying it) that all we do is make her job harder and that we're wasting time. She angrily tells us off for stuff that we either didn't even do or had absolutly no control over and then storms off before we can even anwser. Honnestly, she makes it sound like all I do is stand there and stare at the wall. Well actually Judy, no, I couldnt put that away, I've been glued to the cash register for two hours straight, but thanks for understanding! At first I'd just ignore her, figuring she was just letting off some steam. But now that practically every word out of her mouth is disrespectful and unjustified, I'm finding it hard to hold my tongue. It helps that she usually does this in front of customers. She may be comfortable with making an ass of herself in front of strangers, but I'm going to go ahead and pretend that this is a place of business requiring a minimum of proffesionality. But today I found myself slipping once or twice. A few times I snapped back when normally I would have just ignored her. If I have to go through 11 straight days of this, I will tell her off. It's not even a possibility, it's going to happen.

What pisses me off is that the floor manager, the one who's ACTUALLY in charge of the store as a whole, seems to just let it go. I don't know if she's talked to her or not but if she has it's obviously not working. Seriously, if it's the same way tomorrow I'm going to talk to her, the floor manager that is. I'll tell her that if she doesnt tone it down I won't make it through the week, and then I don't fucking care HOW unprofessional it is to tell off your manager (although I'd never do it in front of customers). I wouldnt be surprised if someone else beat me to it either. Honnestly, christmas in retail is hard enough without her going off on us whenever things don't go her way.

hmm... I THINK I've gotten that out of my system now... Bloody hell... I'm only going to get like 6 hours of sleep. Again.

I really feel the need to either punch or makeout with someone. While drunk.

sigh, and I really wanted my next post to be cheerful.
Christ...

BY JOVE!!!

io vweatewnep98nvrP9NPTE4P98 T489P

Yeah... That, up there? that's my brain.

I just found out my winter break is just going to be endless work. Some might remember my work-a-thon from this summer. 10 days in a row, it almost killed me. Well I get to top my record... 11 days. During the christmas season. I get 2 days off between now and christmas and they're going to be spent writing essays.

109 hours in 3 weeks. Booya.

Sorry, I'm being a downer. Plus sides: shit loads of money, being home, seeing friends....

Look at me being all positive... ha. Whatevs. I survived it this summer and I'll survive it again. I'll be tired, I'll be cranky but by jove I'm going to have some fucking fun SOMEHOW these next few weeks!

It can take my health and my sanity but it wont have my fun.

Now off to Studio 60, soon to replace Heroes in my obsessions. sigh.

Of lots of random shit.

Damn... needless to say, lots has happened since the last post. Lots of farely interesting stuff too...

I almost killed Alex's cat but then.. uh.. didn't. That was pretty shitty but then turned out less shitty. We had a christmas night in Montreal this week which turned into one of the most hilarious nights I've had in months. That much Hukka should never be smoked in one night though.. My lungs will never be the same.

I'm in good ole AY now... Had a wonderfully random day. Received confusing news which provoked mixed feelings but I guess I kind of expected it. *Emily nods twice and moves on*

I have two essays to write... my weekend once every finishes exams is PACKED already. Which is good. I want to see EVERYONE. I want to do EVERYTHING.

Tonight there will be poker, vodka and probably video games. Today I did free laundry, walked into a comic book store where I am known by name and spent a few hours chatting with Lily.

I am so content with my life right now, it's not even funny.

LOVE FOR ALL!!!!!

Hindsight is 20-20

Possibly the worst night of my life. Or at the very least, it's in the top 5. Why the fuck doesn't life come with a reset button?

Fuck Modesty

Dromaeosaurus Albertensis

I drew that today in ballpoint pen at the Redpath Museum at McGill. They have dinosaurs we have... uh... a really tall building with flowers on the side. sigh.

To be honnest, I'm quite proud of this. It's by far not the best drawing I've ever done but it was probably one of the most theraputic. I focused all my stress and neuroses into this painstakingly over detailed drawing. In fact, they fueled the analness in this drawing. I don't think I could have spent so long on it if I weren't feeling so... neurotic. In the end about 3 hours flew by and all I'd though about was every single crack and crevis on that damn skull. I like the results although I'll admit it doesn't look nearly as good in real life. The scanner flaters it.

Im looking forward to focusing on art tonight. Stress that was released in drawing is back. If nothing else, I like how art lets me not think.

artwork

This is the only real decent picture I have to show you of the work I wrote about a few posts back. I have detail photos of it in its earlier stages but their all distorted from the angle I took the picture. I'm pretty sure this one here is blurry so... sorry.
But it gives you the general gist of it.

In Theory....

It's 2 in the morning. I am almost done my second page (double spaced) of my 5 page essay due tomorrow. Scratch that, today. In about 12 hours. Oh poop. I've had two large coffees and am about to start a cup of tea. I am starting to consider the merits of Rhonda's "skipping class" plan. From what I understand, it involves more sleep.

In theory this should be easy. 5 pages isnt that much. In theory I should also have started a week ago. In theory I shouldn't be blogging right now.

In theory I swear I'm not a dumb person.

In practice I'm a complete dumbass.

Breaking down new beariers of self abuse.

Last year I spent many long days working until ten at school. I believe my record was 14 hours straight in Heritage. Who knew there would come a day when I would scoff at such numbers.

Back then I might have been at school for that long, I wasn't working the whole time. I had a boyfriend, friends and class to distract me. But NOW when I say that I was at school for 20 hours in a row, it was devoted entirely to work/class. You can rest assured that between 5pm and 7am at the Visual Arts building on a sunday night / monday morning, there are many distractions. Not that I know anyone at the school anyways.... Right, so. Here are the numbers for the night:

14 hours spent on drawing project (pictures to follow)
4 hours spent in class
2 hours spent on breaks if you add them all up.
TOTAL (as I mentioned about) -20 hours.

I kind of proud in a masochistic sort of way. Not of the end result really, but of the effort I put into it. It wasn't even all last minute, I worked on it pretty constantly all week.

Speaking of the drawing... It was a full body self portrait, 3' x 5'. It needs a few changes but for the most part it was well received. It was described as having a "tom-boy-ish femininity", as being "androgenous" and as making me look like a "dyke". All of these things amuse me.

when I get around to uploading the picture I'll post it.

Til then.... to my new obsession: Heroes!

Interesting Factoids

One of the reasons I prefer my new template is that the achives are much clearer. I just noticed that over the past three years, I have gradually posted less and less. I like to beleive that while my quantity has diminished, the quality is improving exponentially. yes?

Random friday... Saw Casino Royale on openning night and loved it (like the proper geek I am), miraculously found Kim at a club knowing only the street name and cover amount and made a new acquaintance on the bathroom floor of a Tim Horton's.

Today I got all dressed up, went to an art show for my program hoping to run into someone, ANYONE I might know, realised I knew no one, realised that most of the art was uninterresting and left. I hate putting effort into the way I look when it just leads to me coming home after an hour. It's very discouraging considering how rarely wear clothing these days that isnt ripped, covered in paint or both. Occupational hazard.

I hear sirens.... again... and honking actually... that ones not as comon.


Sleep time. Lot of work to do tomorrow. Must rest.

Of a New Post

I decided to post this seperatly even though I'm writing it immediatly after posting my last entry.

There is something intensely satisfying about working until exhaustion, especially when I'm at school at 1 or 2 in the morning. It brings a certain feeling of martyrdom, of sacrifice to a cause, that is fantastically rewarding. It feels real and it feels good to know that you worked hard to get something done. I think thats why I do what I do.

Bleg. I'm tired. I might continue this train of thought later.

But for now. Sleep.

Of Confessions

As you can see, new template. It's green. Very green. Felt the need for something fresh.

Been doing alot of thinking lately. Can't say it's done me much good... I seem to be more irrational than ever (less rational than ever?). It's a strange thing when your head and your gut tell you two different things. Civil war within the body. No one wins, Emily loses. Grow up girl, grow up.

*insert segway(sp?) here*

I'll be honnest, some mornings I wake up and realise that I'm spending shitloads of my and my parents' money on learning how to do nothing. I go to school and draw. Or paint. Or etch conversations into telephone wire. What the bloody hell? Whats the point? How is this usefull in any way? Its on days like this that the art "scene" seems to me to be a pile of bullshit. A great big hoax where a bunch of people who dont want to work get together and try to make shit up so that they dont have to feel guilty about being useless members of society. And here I am, spending money to "learn" how to become nothing at all like a putz. What the hell is the point to art? Is there such a thing? If there is, am I an "artist" or just a girl who can paint decently?

Days when I wake up feeling like that usually end up pretty shitty. It's not fun realising your whole life is a scam and there's nothing you can do about it because it's all you know how to do. In fact it's probably one of the most terrifying things I can think of short of someone dying... Of course, not everyday is like that. If they were I don't think I'd ever get out of bed.

Some days I want nothing more than to paint for the rest of my life. On those days I can happily stare at a chair covered in fluorescent elastics, grinning like a fool, just because it's so fabulous. I'll gladdly stay at school until 2am covered in paint, exhausted, to spend my 20th hour on a painting that will probably be worth no more than 10% of my grade because it's just not quite right.

And some days... I just wake up, go to class, do a bit of homework and go to bed (rinse, repeat) because that's what I'm supposed to do. No more, no less. No thinking.


So that's it. I'm either wasting my life away, doing what I'm meant to do OR following some path like a tool.

It would comfort me to know that everyone goes through this... At least... I think it would...

oh and..

Sam Roberts was fucking amazing.
Best. Show. Ever.



Just thought you should know.

Life in Montreal

So here I am.

Living in Montreal. and yet, it's as though I have nothing to talk about.

Well this is both true and false. New things happen everyday here. Things are different but they're also the same. I have plenty of material I just... dont know how to put it into words.

I just spent the past few days afflicted with some horrid stomach virus. I don't know where it came from, I don't know what it wants... All I know is that I would like it to PLEASE go away. Despite this, I went drinking last night. Emily's wrestling show #2. Drinking when I shouldn't. Story of my life. School would be so much easier if I got more than 5 hours of sleep everynight. And if I wasn't frequently hungover. I'm not a dumb person, you'd think I'd figure this out.

Life in Montreal, if nothing else, is fun. Too much fun perhaps. My school work isnt suffering yet but... I feel like Im just coasting. Last semester all my energy went to artwork. Now, not so much. I don't really feel good about this. I know I should just buckle down and not go out so much but it's difficult when you are surrounded with temptation and you have no willpower.

Im thinking of getting a job. This doesn't make sense considering what I just said but... I don't know. I feel the need to get a job. Oh and I like spending money.
That's a biggy.

well, I have a study date waiting for me so I should get going...

...
yeah...

MAGIC!!!!!

For the first time since we have moved in, our bathroom door no longer sticks. It can be openned and closed in complete ease as opposed to needing a little shoulder. At the same time, our back door has chosen to stick so that it is now the one needing a little shoulder. I could have sworn it opened easily a week ago...

I have come to the only logical conclusion that our appartment is SHIFTING AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.











(or something to do with the change of temperature and something science-y... I like my expanation better)

When inpiration knocks...

... you let it in.

So here I am, 8 hours from my next class. I figured I'd go to bed, get a decent amount of sleep and forget about the homework. It's not really due tomorrow, but it's in my best interest to get critiqued on it. (a bit of an aside, I just realised that I should probably be working on passed assigments that HAVE been critiqued... whoops...)

So yeah, its midnight, didnt do the work, didn't feel like doing it... just wont. UNTIL.

So I had a good idea. It would work well and probably not take long... I might actually do something about it.

But now to the juicy stuff. Why is it that Emily has neglected her schoolwork as well as anything else she should have been doing this past weekend. Indeed, the only thing or value she accomplished was getting a new recycling bin. (asswipes...) So what did she spend the rest of her time doing? Well, other than the date marathon? not a whole lot.... Sunday was spent making up for the lazing time I missed out on one saturday (re: date marathon).

Long story short, getting to know someone AFTER you make out drunkenly with them at a party? bad idea. Emily must re-evaluate her plan of action.

She also has to stop trying to fool herself... or try harder. I'm not sure which.

yeah, nuts to homework... I started this post 2 hours ago and am now considering just blowing the class completly...

Can I fool myself into thinking I'll get more work done here?

I can try!

How 'bout dem apples?

Drawings started this weekend: 3
Drawings finished this weekend: 1
Finished drawings that are due tomorrow: 0

See where this is going? I currently have two drawings on the go. One is set up across the room from me so that I occasonally look up and mentally note yet ANOTHER change that is needed. The other is lying on my bed awaiting a background. Or a proper background rather... It already has one, it's just shit.

While I do like drawing, I wish I had done this yesterday (although I did start yesterday) so that I'd have one more day for finishing touches... Because I don't want to do anymore tonight.

I thought it was too good to be true. My back had been behaving so nicely for such a long time... Sure it got a little cranky during soccer but it was a different sort of pain. I guess a few days of sitting in a shitty chair drawing in the same position will bring on the achy sort of discomfort I've come to associate with long hours of art-ing. Right now I feel like I could use some intense massaging... Any takers? No? Bastards...

Oh, I would also like to have my uterus removed. I think that would be nice.

You know, at 20 years old I feel as though I should be beyond ridiculous boy problems. Or at least beyond working myself up into pointless paranoia. I should also be beyond fabricating fantasies based mostly on blind optimism rather than a down to earth perspective. Dating. What the hell.

The entire concept is insane. You put your trust in a person you barely know. You have no garantee they arent a nutjob or a pervert. So you meet them, you both put on a good show. If your "lucky", you'll each like the others good side. Then you engage in physical acts of varying degrees of intimacy because, hey, their good side isnt so bad! Basically, as far as I can understand, it's okay because when you find out they were a jerk to begin with, you can excuse the fact that you dated by reason of your ignorance.

Here, let me make some lame-ass analogy. You meet someone and it's like the outline of a drawing. It doesnt mean much but it gives you a rough idea. So either you like it or you don't. If you do, you stick around to see the rest of the drawing. The more you get to know them, the more this drawing gets filled out. Lights, darks... The relationship keeps going as long at each part still likes the way the drawing is coming together. Once it becomes too dark or too light or too whatever for your tastes, then you split.

Now there's nothing wrong with that in principle. It just means the first few weeks of this whole process are based on next to nothing. There is no feedback, no depth... just sketchy outlines.

I like to be able to trust people. I like to be able to have some sort of solid footing with them. When I dont get it I push for it. I push for some sort of reasurrance that I'm not being stupid for givng whatever small amount trust to them. I push in hopes that they support me by pushing back, by giving me some sort of support. But when all I'm met with is avoidance or coy sidestepping, I get unsteady. I've got nothing to stand on. From there I just snowball.

And this is why I suck at dating. Believe it or not, I was trying to be as clear as possible. I don't want to try and sound all metaphorical. Hopefully people get what I'm talking about, it's not supposed to be a riddle. That being said, I'm sorry if none of that made sense.

It's funny how much writing stuff out organises things in my head. It may not seem like it, but I figured alot of things out with this post.

Okay, I have two drawings to finish and a class in 7.5 hours.

Go me.

That's some shit.

One would imagine that the "popcorn" button on a microwave would be the appropriate setting to set a microwave at when preparing MICROWAVEABLE popcorn.

Not so.

As a matter of fact, the ACTUAL result to such a seemingly logical process is not, as one would suppose, a buttery-good snack. In actuality, it's a lummp of charred-ness in a bag, a smokey kicthen and a very sketchy looking microwave.

Silly us (and by us, I mean Rhonda...)


In conclusion... I had a "lunch date" today and bought tickets to see Sam Roberts (SAM FUCKING ROBERTS).

Good day, good day indeed.

Home.

I'm going home and I'm going to cuddle my dog, I'm going to eat turkey (lots of turkey), I'm going to party with my friend and play pool (lots of pool), I'm going to hug my parents, I'm going to hug lily (lots of hugs for lily), I'm going to hug and then punch my brother (because that's what we do), I'm going to help myself to the GIANT fridge filled with LOTS of food, I'm going to do FREE laundry.

Don't get me wrong. I love this appartment, I love montreal and I love living here.

But it's thanksgiving and I'm going the fuck home.

468?

is that it? for some reason I feel it should be more than 468... Either way, it's all about quality, not quantity.

On a completly different matter....


Awesome birthday. I have awesome friends who made it great. It's also great that I'm not always right. At least not for now...
Either way, must get up in 6 hours and still fairly drunk.

Fuck yeah.

QUESTION!!!!

mostly directed to Phil or Laura, or anyone who can help really...

Why does my copy of Illustrator CS2 not seem to come with colour swatches? Is this normal? Am I missing something obvious?

...

In other news, Comrad Pat has been Vectored. muahahah.


PS. tomorrow is my birthday. KAZAM.

VIki steps it up a notch.

I will not be providing an explanation for my title. Viki understands, and thats enough.


These are the files I was talking about. I figured it out all on my own. umm... enjoy?
The first one I drew for my brother at a request from him after he bought himself a fur hat. The second I did very shittily just because I thought up this scenario a few months ago and enjoyed it.

Look up Bukkake

So. I hear it's been awhile?

Sorry, hadn't had much to say.
Had an interesting few weeks, the interest stemming mostly from the past weekend. Last night I was invited out to a wrestling show. Yes, Emily at a wrestling show. A dimly lit room at the back of a bar mostly full of loud men in varying stages of overweightness yelling obscenities to men in varying stages of undress. In short, it was awesome.

There are very few places on the planet where you can yell pretty much anything you damn well please. You can curse, you can chant, you can laugh, you can insult your neighbour, you can get free beer from the neighbour you just insulted... all as loud as you possibly can. As a result, Im feeling a little hoarse. As Jason said, "you may not enjoy wrestling, but here you'll always have fun".

Wednesday October 4th is my birthday. I'll be turning 20. TWENTY. TW-fucking-ENTY.
Now to some this may not seem like a big deal, but to me this is slightly upseting. 20 is when people start expecting you to act like an adult. At least some of the time. Soon, I wont be able to get away with shit like rainbow socks and faux-hawks and red fishnets and ties with tanktops... Soon I'll stop looking quirky and start looking like an idiot. Mayhaps this time has already come...

But seriously, eventually I'll have to stop living in my fantasy world of bright colours and unmatching patterns. But the thing is, Im not done with my teenage phase. I broke into it late and gosh-darn-it I intend on holding on to it for a while to come. Growing up is scary.

I drew a comic the other day but I can't seem to post it. It was done in Photoshop CS2 and I saved it as a .psd file but it doesn't give me the option to save it as a JPEG. I tried it in both CMYK and RGB, but to no avail.
so anyone.... Help?

32 Easy Steps to Emily Cloutier's Morning Routine (complete with Illustrations)

The above is the name of the project that I have just completed at 4:45am. I have class at 8:30am. That is in less than four hours.

It Begins.

Fuck yeah.

RE: FFAR 250 - TUT N

Hello Randolph,

I've never had a tutor before and am therefore unsure as to the acceptable level of familiarity I'm allowed to adopt. Thankfully it's 1:30 am and I'm on my second cup of coffee so I'm unconcerned on that front (for the moment).

Thank you for the heads up on the Andy Warhol documentary. Unfortunatly I'm poor and don't have cable, but I appreciate the thought anyways.

Clearly this is the right email address.

Looking forward to embarassing myself in person,

Emily Cloutier


----------------------------------------------
I sent that to my tutor for FFAR.

I have a feeling I might regret that tomorrow morning when the caffeine wears off.


enh well.

Le tired.

I'm full of sinus slime. My face feels like it's filled with cotton balls. I'm slowly melting into this chair.

I volunteered to make dinner. Why? I think I'd rather pass out instead.

Do you think I can do an art project in an afternoon?
LETS FIND OUT!

I take it personally when my webcomics make shitty comics.

Everything in this next post is arguable. I only say this now so that I dont have to continually say "arguably this" or "arguably that", not in any sort of intense desire for argument on the subject. (not that I would mind, it's just not what I'm gunning for...)

Falling in love is both the best and worse thing to have emotionally happen to me in my life. Nothing has ever made me doubt myself on so many occasions, nothing has ever made me hate my own decisions, nothing has ever been so incessantly on the back of my mind for so long a time. At the exact same time, nothing has ever made me feel so good, nothing has ever made me feel so alive and nothing has ever made me feel so connected with the world.

But really... It's been how long now? 4-5 months? It feels about twice that... Why am I still bothered by this? Why am I still thinking the same thoughts and regretting the same things.... feelings I'm supposed to forget or, at the very least, attempt to ignore. Talking about it doesn't help anything except my self pity (which I think I'm pretty good at keeping in check in MOST situations..). The only plus is that it lets people know where I'm at so they can refrain on making comments that will just aggravate the situation.

So what am I doing here? I don't know. I almost want to not post this because this is part of my life that I don't normally "share". The word love makes me nervous. Actually, no. Nowadays it just makes me angry. THIS is where it gets me? Fuck that. Not interested. I just want to yell at him... GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Whats the point in not seeing him if he's still THERE. Can't I just forget you? GO AWAY.

Half the time I don't know if I'm remembering real things, a real person, or just an idealised person. Were things really that great or do I just like to think they were? Maybe absense really does make the heart grow fonder... RE: SELF DOUBT.

In the end, it had always been my policy to accept my decisions and move on. So it's harder than I had ever anticipated... I maintain that you can't go back.

I'll just have to be satisfied with yelling things at my own brain. (FUCK OFF!!!!)

Life in the fast lane.

After a breif but comfortable trip back to the AY, I have resumed to my comfortable routine.

My life lately consists of a endless battle with dishes, laundry and, most importantly, mice. See, if it were just dishes and laundry it wouldnt be so bad... Throw some mice into the equation however... See, you can't just leave a messy kitchen overnight when you have mice, it's unthinkable. Likewise, suddenly tossing your dirty laundry on the floor is a bad idea. Mice are like the unwanted guest that won't leave. They eat all your food and you can't leave your underwear lying around.

I've discovered the attraction to being a "homebody": it's just so easy.

In other news, I just spent 35$ on wood. I'd like to clearly state, just for the record: Fuck That. Why is art so expensive? And why do I have to spend 35$ to get bitched at by angry old men? I can go down to the park and get that for free from the homeless...

It's an odd feeling when your childhood bed is no longer the most comfortable place on the planet. It's even odder to realise that it took only two weeks to undo 17 years of sleeping habits.

I can now hear voice but I am unclear as to where they are coming from... ah, appartment life....

I am so bored I'm ACTUALLY staring at my belly button.

I'm also so bored that I've been re-reading past posts and some of the comments on them. One of the comments struck me. I don't think I thought much of it at the time but now it really makes sense. Jacqui mentioned a quote: "you act for the actors" which she thought must be the same for me, "paint for the painters".

I'm going to think about that


Paint for the painters.


for now I have a date with viki, the balcony, ice cream and a cigar.

I miss the sun.

I cut my hair. I think it looks pretty damn awesome. A gay man told me today that I looked like a boy he used to date. He said he "was gorgeous. But then he turned into a nelly so (he) dumped him". I didn't know whether or not to take it a a compliment or not so I just laughed.

I need to buy new underwear and mouseproof my appartment. And yes, those two statements are VERY closely related.

You know you're in montreal when....

Have you ever been channel surfing on tv, REALLY bored and come accross Just For Laughs Gags and thought... well, this is better than NOTHING... soon to be proven wrong by how bloody irritating the show is? Well I have. And I'm sorry to say that I have contributed.

Today while going to the metro I walked into a situation so predictably a gag that only one as naive as I would fall for it. The gist of the gag is this: An obviously blind man stands at the edge of a park and calls the unsuspecting pedestrian over (ME). HE then asks them to watch his suitcase while he goes to the washroom. So far, sktechy, but nothing obviously amiss. So he comes out with a ridiculously long piece of toilet paper stuck on the back of his pants. (this is where I think: Fuck. Im on tv.) The victim is then asked to remove it, which proves difficult to do as it seems to be an unending supply coming from the mans pants. This is the part where I refuse to play along any more. I keep trying to hand him the paper and he keeps trying to get me to pull it. Eventually he stops the act and asks me to pleaaaase keep going because, surprise, Im on tv. Im thinking, no fuck sherlock and no fucking way. Anyways, I convince him I really AM in a hurry so he lets me leave. Not before some guy runs at me with some sort of waiver which I am only NOW realising that I did NOT read.... but DID sign.

So yes. I am now part of Montreal culture, willingly or not.

Go me.

So here I am.

In Montreal.

I am comfortably established in a wonderful appartment. It properly feels like home (all it needs is a little Rhonda). My room is my own. It's full of colour and I'm surrounded by all of my favorite things. Viki and I have spent the last few days in a blur of music, food and decorating. We have no tv yet so we've amused ourselves by watching our neighbours. Our Kitchen looks over a sort of couryard surrounded by other appartments. There's the "hot shirtless guys" appartment. We dont really know if they are good looking in any way, they're too far away. All we know is that they never wear shirts and, thanks to Katherine, we can never carry on a proper conversation with. Katherine, god bless her, called out to them during a yelled conversation accross the parking lot: "So, I guess you guys haven't unpacked your shirts yet, eh?" Viki and I, having also indulged slighty in the devil's drink, collapsed into laughter on our balcony, further insuring our permanent alienation.

We had the next door neighbour over for dinner and he ate all of our leftovers. heh... boys...


I'm so comfortable right now in my little abode that the thought of starting school in a week is odd. We need to have a housewarming party.

You now see why I havent updated in a while... I clearly have nothing to say.

oh noes!!!

Too many effing books!

do I take my favorite childhood ones? the ones I've read a thousand times? the ones I've only read once but wouldnt mind reading again? Can I take them all??? ahh!!!!!!!


Over the years my brother and I shared many books. WHen one of us received a book at christmas it might as well have been a gift to the both of us. As a result, he an I went into aggressive negotiation as to who owned what. Series we agreed to leave at home. That means I have to leave Harry Potter behind.... boo. I'd like to bring my Tamora Pierce collection just because they were my favorites for so long but I have so many of them... I Cant just bring one or two... And then theres the Pierce Anthony. I'd like to bring some of his because they're just so fucked up and weird but I havent read any in a while so they'd mostly just be on display.... Thats not to speak of the TONS of Eion Colpher, Phillip Pullman, Jean Little, Farley Mowat and all the other authors I read growing up.

rahh!!!

I have room for about another... 5? 10 books? Which to choose!??!?

"Underwear and music, all a girl really needs"

-Shanan Titus

She said that in response to my pre-work shopping spree. I woke up at the crack of 9am and decided to go into Ottawa early before starting work at noon. I bought, as the title implies, underwear and music. It was fun to have time for me, even if it was just an hour and a half.

I'd still be in a good mood (despite 9 hour shift) if it werent for my bloody family. I had to waste 10$ taking a taxi home from the middle of nowhere because after waiting 10 minutes, my mother went home (had she waiting an extra 5 I would have been there). It's not like I forced her to be there either... If she didnt want to drive me I would have waiting an extra hour at rideau and saved myself ten dollars that I didnt need to spend. Not a word to me when I get home either. I met my dad in the driveway on my way in and instead of gee, why did you have to take a taxi home? or how was work? or even, god forbid, Hi!, I get "someone keeps breaking the garage door". THen he complains about how no one has fixed the garage door openner thats been broken for 3 weeks. I told him I didnt know the first thing about fixing the thing. According to him, its pretty obvious just by looking at it. You know what, I DID look at it. It looked exactly the same it always does.If it was so damn obvious then why cant HE fix it? Last I checked, he lived here too. Not that you could tell, he's never home. Now Im pissed off, hungry, tired and crying. Neither of my parents said a word to me and only wished me a goodnight AFTER I told them I'd put the dog to bed, goodnight. And thats the only thing they said.

I don't want to work another fucking 9 hours tomorrow. I have to get up in 7 hours... joy.

Read previous post first.

But an actual not sarcastic thanks to Viki for making up for it.

I missed yoooooooooouuuuu!!!!

Of asswipes.

Some people have the most impressive ability to make you feel like shit.

Thanks for that, I REALLY needed it.

I'm a frayed knot

In my bedroom there is a window. Around this window there is a window frame. Along this window frame I usually place drinks when I am in bed. Most of the time they are water. Most of the time the water is for when I wake up after a night of drinking. Apparently about a week ago I didn't place water there. I had a glass of orange juice. This glass of orange juice was forgotten. After about a week my glass of orange juice on my window frame in my room in thirty degree weather has produced an impressive culture of some uniquely repulsive mould.

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, Emily has mould growing meer feet away from when she lays her head to sleep at night. My state of mind is one where I will get on my hands and knees and scrub for hours unknown crud left for months by someone else in an appartment I do not yet live in but I cant be bothered to clean a single glass by the bed I sleep in everynight.

(There are, as I type, not one, not two, but FIVE fruit flies floating in my wine glass. A wine glass I had been looking forward to emptying, might I add. )

I don't know what it is but I feel like I'm falling appart. The lease amount of stress sets me off. All I want to do is cuddle into my bed in the smallest ball I can make and not move. I wish very much that I was still in karate because I fequently have the urge to hit things. I want a day off. A real day off where I dont have to go anywhere or do anything. How do people do this? how do people live a life where you have no time to yourself? Is this what being grown up and having responsibility is like? If so, what a crock.

staring longingly at a wasted glass of wine,
Emily, signing off.

?

Someone moved my wet clothes from the washing machine to the drying machine. But then didn't turn on the drying machine completly cancelling out whatever nice gesture they were trying to do... Now I'm simply confused.

Ive come to realise that my legs will never be things of beauty. They are usually covered and scabs and my knees are permanently discoloured due to years of scrapes and bruising. Scars from 12 years of soccer I guess. I also inherited my father's odd lumpy knees. The final touch comes with the fact that I refuse to shave on any kind of regular basis so I'm often stubly. The thing is, none of this really bothers me. I bear my battle scars proudly and my lumpy knees will always remind me of my father. I dont know why I felt the need to share any of that but...there you have it.

The appartment is gradually becoming kickass and less... how shall I put it? squalid. I never knew a fridge could be that digusting. BUT I am proud to say I was (and am) dedicated to have a FRESH start in a CLEAN appartment. Next up, painting my room. I am very excited for this.


Today I played soccer in the pouring rain, twas brilliant. I now hurt, but no worries.


No, worries indeed.

Voodoo dancing makes my week.

Today isnt really a day off but its close enough. I start at 4. Only five hours of work. Definatly tolerable.
Today will be my tenth day of work in a row. It's funny how fast you fall into a mindless routine. I now get how people get sucked into working dead end jobs their entire life. I'm very glad I made plans for my next year BEFORE summer started...

I know that work right now is what is keeping me grounded. I think I would be in a different frame of mind if it werent for the fact that I'm so busy. Not a good frame of mind either. I'm just going to come out and say it, regardless of how stupid I feel about it... I crave romance.

... Damn, I still feel stupid about it... But let me explain.

I crave that first week... When every touch is a thrill. when you dont want to see them everyday because that would ruin it. I don't want a relationship right now. EVen if it WERE possible. I don't want to have a one night stand. I want that midnight walk with the flirting and the insinuations but nothing more physical than the goodnight kiss. Okay, maybe a prolonged goodnight kiss.

Sigh.. I feel like a loser for that too. I am an independent person. I do not need others for self affirmation. Rah rah rah. I am a dinosaur. Hear me roar. *roars*

In other news I went dancing to swing in a park last night. It made me realise that I need more dancing in my life. And Big Bad voodoo Daddy.... Need more of that too. Very few things are as much fun as dancing to really loud, really good music.


Fuck... I have about a weeks worth of stuff to do around the house in 2 hours...

*roars*

Warning to the World.

The fates have decided that I have to pay for my 4 days of freedom. And pay dearly I shall. Today was the first day of my 10 day working streek. I shall have to work about 70 hours before I get another day off. While I have resigned myself to this shit storm, I refuse to take it gracefully.

I will be bitter. I will refuse to feel bad about said bitterness. Be forewarned that over the next week I will be bitchy, grumpy, snarky, bitter, impatient, sarcastic and just generally ill-tempered. I will however have a penchant for alcohol, staying out late and anything that is as far away from retail as humanly possible in general. I am sorry for this. Do not take it personally. Roll your eyes and offer me another beer. Do not try and comfort me by telling me about your crappy day at work. Do not try and comfort me at all. Just take me out.

Thank you for your time and patience.

PS- Laura, unfortunatly I'm still working on that.

My room is a mess but at least its home.

I just got back from sault ste marie, refered to by everyone except maps as The Soo. I took 4 days off work. In a row. I had to practically sell my soul to get the weekend off but it was worth it.

I hadnt felt so awake in weeks. Generally people say "I havent felt so alive in years!" but I dont think it's apropriate. I've always felt alive just.... lately I've felt half asleep. Like 8 hours wasnt enough. But for some reason when I was surrounded by family I never see, sleep didnt seem important. I'd stay up late to talk to my cousins and get up early to have breakfast with my grandparents. I'd go swimming when it was nice out and when it wasn't. I ate alot of food that wasn't good for me and I played cards with just about everybody.

I had my first real conversation with my cousin Andrew late one night on the dock, swatting bugs and drinking beer. We also sat quietly and he played the classical guitar for hours and I just stared at the water. He's going to music school and Im going to art school. At one point he said: "I smoke, by the way" and I punched him. We bonded.

Im learning to see my relatives as people and not just "aunt" "uncle" so and so, for better or for worse.

But for now, Im home, sitting on my bed in a bra and soccer shorts, tired. I wish I could go back. I wish I didnt have to work tomorrow. I have no clean black pants... sigh. And so it starts again.

I can't wait to start over, hopefully one day my slate will be clean.

Of midnight meetings.

Today was a rather waste of a day. I slept through it mostly. I read a bit. The highlight was being able to wear ratty jeans and a spiderman t-shirt. I had a few things to do, didnt do them...

Watched movies with lil and the bro. Movies were sub-par despite good company.
Tomorrow... actually no, today, marks the begenning of my 7 day workathon. I might die a little inside. Then I go off for a little quality time followed by what will likely be another 7 day work stretch. I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait for the summer to be over. I havent touched an art supply in weeks. I've thought up a few comic ideas but I a)dont have the software installed on this computer and b) dont have the time to get it.

I am feeling lonely. I wanted to be single and now that I am I remember why I always rush into relationships. Not that Im interested in that now... It's just that summer always makes me crave those moonlight walks with a special someone to get to know. I love talking to new people. I'll admit, Im always more sociable after a drink or two or even just in a social situation. I love that time you have with a person where everything you have to say is new and interesting. You have no expectations whatsoever and every word spoken shapes and reshapes your understanding of this person. In that time its only the two of you, whether it be sitting on a park bench in the dark or in a crowded bar. It by no means needs to be romantic. In a way that almost ruins it. You may see them again or you may not. You may see them again and have nothing to talk about but you will smile shyly at each other because you know that they know something about you. The interesting thing is that you are not learning about a person through experience, you are learning what it is they want you to see. You are telling someone what YOU think is important about yourself. You could create a whole new life for yourself.... But that would ruin it. For one night you can lay your life out the way you want it to be seen. For one night you have someone's undivided attention and they have yours.

Enjoy.

Attention Ladies and Gents

Emily is now a member of the liscenced driving comunity.

Be afraid.



Be very afraid.

Like I said...

...there's no black and white.

There's no handbook on the right and wrong way to handle a breakup. They don't say: In case of eventuality 2.3, refer to page 24. If eventuality is followed by event 7.1 then turn to page 13 unless in case of event 7.1.3 then appropriate measures are outlined on page 78.

Point being, when things get complicated you just wing it because fuck, making sense of the "right" thing to do is getting way to fucking hard and I'm just trying to do the best I can.

In the meantime I need to figure out what optional courses I'm going to take in university. Am I going to do a minor or just a bunch of random course. Should I go for something I might use later on or just whatever catches my fancy?

emily, tired and at a loss, signing out.

Xmen 3 was a dumb movie.

Oh.
Shit.

I need to learn to parallel park and NOT be a danger to the general public in a car in less than 4 days.


I repeat:

Oh.
Shit


The other day I went into school to empty my locker. I found countless things to remind me of Him. (not god, you know who Im talking about...) Notes he left on my locker throughout the year, mugs he lent me that I never gave back, leftover chocolate he gave me, the book(s) I borrowed, the paper outlining my half of our expulsion of the rideau center. You know, that kind of stuff.
So I sat there surrounded with what was left of what had been the two biggest constants in my life for about the last year, school and Emma, and felt incredibly depressed. I then impulsively got my hair cut off. It's a little on the short side.
I brought the stuff from school home in my school bag but havent touched it yet. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to deal with it. But thats how I always feel about messes, emotional or not. Better left ignored.

I do however still need to learn how to park.

I like beer even when it's cheap.

Scratch that, ESPECIALLY when it's cheap.

I've learn that after ingesting alcohol, no matter how small the amount, it's generally a bad idea to send emails to people towards whom your feelings are slightly complicated. It may happen that your relationship might suffer from slight to major ackwardness. Therefore, tonight I opted to post on ye olde blogger instead.

The other day I had to walk through the market with 430$ worth of change in my pockets. After some quick mental math, I figured I would be better off NOT ripping my employer off and went on feeling terrified of being mugged.

That story had no point.

Much like this post.

I think I'll stop wasting your time and go sleep now...

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life..."

-Michael Buble

Im in a quotation mood right now. For those of you who have never heard of Michael Buble, listen to Feeling Good. There are other decent songs, but that is one to be listenned to with eyes closed and half smile.

Im feeling rather introverted at the moment. I'm reading the Fisher King. It's not what Im used to but intreaging nonetheless. I read this today and found it slightly intressting. It has to do with "having trouble with your girl". Basically, the situation would be a woman is confronted about her intentions to leave "her man".
And if I did, what then
Are you agreev'd therfore?
The Sea hath fishe for every man,
And what would you have more?

Now, roll the two quotes together and you get "life is long. Live it."


I feel as though I have been put on a pedestal. Worse, that I have put myself on a pedestal. One of the things I both love and hate about myself is that I am able to recognize what most people want me to do. I may not always do it, but I usually do. This is why pretty much no one hates me. Im sure there's someone out there, but Ive never heard anyone get vocal about it. The truth is, I never believed that people felt very strongly about me one way or another. Mostly because if I just give people what they want they'll never be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. Now that I say it I know it sounds terrible. I can't help but hope that Im just saying it out loud the hear how it sounds. It's a wonderful way of figuring out what you think.

My point is, or at least while it might not have been this originaly it is now, that it's very difficult to know one's self. AT least... I think so. I'm constantly second guessing whether I'm doing something to make myself happy or to make others happy. But then again, maybe what makes me happy is seing others happy so that in making them happy Im really just making myself happy. But on the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't worry about other. But ultimatly, is there a should and shouldn't? Is there a handbook on the self?

There are a few things I do know about myself. A few truths I live by. Some might even call them cliches but to them I say they're cliche for a reason. Lying is bad, the truth is better. I've often called myself a hypocrite on this one which is why in brought in the next one. There are no black and whites. No absolutes. This is so hard to actually faithfully live by. Everyone, especially me, is always looking for the RIGHT anwser. There might be many right anwswers.

I dont know what my deal is tonight, I feel like I could write for ever. I want to have a deep conversation with someone. I feel like I lack depth in my life right now. I need to read more. I like reading. I kind of stopped over the school year. I forget sometimes that I used to experience conversation through books more often than actually in person. I know thats not healthy but it does remind me that I've used books as a safe zone my whole life. I can't forget that.


Oh, I suck as a cashier. It takes me about 4 times longer than it should to close cash and Im consistantly skrewing up in farely major ways. Today I got into a conversation with a customer about oil paint in which I gave him advice with his brushes. After he left I realised that I was more engaged in that one conversation than I was was all my dealings with customers of the day combined together. I want to work in an art supply store. I want to actually be usefull, actually have a purpose.

I had soccer practice today in which we had a friendly game agaisnt another senior women's tean from Aylmer. They were much more experienced and organized and therefore killed us but it was fun nonetheless. I am disgustingly out shape though. The funny thing is that once I got home I felt so at peace. I remember why I love sports so much. Alot of things I forgot about are coming back to me I guess. Im glad I have a game tomorrow. First of the season. I still don't know the names of half the girls on my team. But it should be fun. I saw some good talent today and Im looking forward to getting some chemistry flowing on the team.

I guess I should sleep... I appolagise for the length and conten of this post. It's all part of the on going filing process in my head.

Onwards Ho.

Not so fond of life right now...

Today was a shit day. I owe work money because apparently I cant work a cash register.

This is much harder than I thought it would be.

I repeat, today was a SHIT day.

emo em

For the uninformed, the above was my msn name for a rather long period of time if I remember corretly... The reason for it now is my desire to be very emo right now.

8 months and its over... 8 months and all thats left is the memory of the most important relationship of my life. Could be worse... I guess I could be left with bad memories. Half of me wants everyone to make a big deal out of it. The other half, the larger one, just wants everyone to know and me to not have to talk about it anymore. I want peoplem to understand but I don't want to have to explain anything.

I wanted it to work.... just once. Just once I would have liked to not be the heartless one. Just fucking once I wanted to love someone unconditionally. I feel like such a putz because of all the people who want to be loved like I have been. I know I have been fortunate in that department. I just wish I could return the favour.

Im so tired.
Just so you know, I cried while writing this. I dont know if I've ever cried while posting... I've probably teared up but I dont know about full out cried.

I'm getting good at it. Crying I mean. After a lifetime of minimal crying I've done some catching up lately. Fuck, ok, yeah. That was emo. Im not going to be all doom and gloom here. Things will work out. I know they will.
It'll just be harder than I thought...

And you'd think I'd be an old pro by now...

PS- if it werent for work I think I'd cut off all my hair.

Cleaning Frenzy.

I have just dusted off about a years worth of dust off of everything in my room. Excluding closet. The closet of the damned will remain dusty until I have the courage to tackle it. I sorted through alot of the junk lying around, threw some stuff out... I still have a few piles but its a remarkable improvement. Soon I'll be able to vacuum! Boy, let me tell you, a years worth of dust is quite disgusting.

I've also started transfering all the music from our family computer to my laptop. I say started because Im a moron. See, the intelligent thing to do would have been to plug it into the computer directly and transfer it that way. NOT go through the wireless network. This is a STUPID idea. As it is, Im on about hour 4 of the transfer and its about 4 fifths done. Meh, it'll get done eventually. Next Ill have a job and a half of organizing the thing.

My goals once I finished school were to sleep in, get my liscence, clean my room and see more of Emma. As it is, my room is now cleaner than it has been in about a year, I slept about 10 hours today and I have an appointment to take my practical test on the 31st. I just need to learn how to park in about... 2 and a half weeks. Shit... but doable I think. Then I shall be mobile for the summer.

This week I must (not necessarily in this order): Call Dell and make them take back their shitty mouse, pay for soccer, get my cell and mp3 player back, hang out with emma, buy some clothes for work, have a photo shoot with pat, go out with the VA girls and... um... I think that might actually cover what I have planned for the week.. oh I need to move all my stuff from school to home.

Feeling productive is fun.

guys, do you think Lyle will fail me for not doing his report? Here's to finding out!

bare knuckle boxing.

I know this is a pointless battle that can't be won one way or another but I feel the need to say it anyways.

Everytime I hear someone even imply (seriously that is, I can take a joke) that visual arts is a slack program or isnt stressful or is easy in any way I feel like shoving things up their nostrils. If I have one more person shake their head at my two exams in digust with VA's "light" workload I will force-feed them lead paint until their eyeballs bleed.

Like I said, I know this is pointless, there's always going to be misunderstanding but... rrr...


what is this, like 4 posts in one day? If so that might be a personal record for myself.

CALLING ALL VA STUDENTS

(or anyone in english:arts and science milieu)

I propose a study group tomorrow since we dont start til 2:30. I'm thinking start at 9am, meet in the art hallway (im thinking we take over a studio room) and just discuss the stories in such.

Personally Im a little rough on the sonnets and two of the short stories but I can be of service in other areas. Im planning on posting this in as many spots as possible in the hopes of reaching as many of my procrastinating fellows as possible.

Come on guys, I think this would really help us all...

OH, and...

Contrary to popular belief the comic I posted awhile back has nothing to do with my real life. It is complete FICTION. Psych 101 me all you want, but I know it is the result of stress induced insomnia and a particularly inpsiring busride.

So there.

You can't do everything and you can't please everyone.

For example: I may have rocked most of my art projects but in the process I have become horribly unhealthy in almost every way possible... Okay, I dont do hard drugs or smoke... yeah, thats about all I've got going for me. See, I get one but lose the other. The reason I bring this up is because today was my first soccer practice.

Dear lord I was pathetic. I think I was dead within the first two minutes. I felt so washed out. Someone said I hid it well but that someone wasnt the coach. Im sure he felt somewhat similarly to what I did. Needless to say, I hurt. I feel as though every muscle in my body is calling me an idiot. Sooo.... tomorrow should be even MORE fun.

But, I have resolved to start running everyday I'm home and taking the dog with me. He's getting pudgy. It would seem he went to seed around the same time I did. But no worries, I will whip our lazy arses back into shape! (I don't have an excuse not to now...)

People.

People amaze me. In every way possible. They amaze me ways which makes me respect them and they amaze me in ways which make me think... how the fuck did you manage that? Either way, you ca never make everyone happy. Some people just want too much.


**note: the above was written a few days ago and I saved it as a draft to finish later then forgot about it... the rest is from today (wednesday)**

Right so I came out of my art show 600$ dollars richer but two paintings poorer. The funny thing is that Im not sure if Im happy about this. I suppose its something Ill have to get used to but still... Im going to miss that painting.

Heh... earlier today my mother and I bargained over artwork. She wanted some and I wanted to keep it all... We settled on some sort of agreement. She's taking one original (which Im almost glad to get rid of since it bothers me) and she's getting a few prints. Oh and my stone sculpture. The wood sculpture she also gets by default since I have nowhere to put it.

Well the second half of this post has been pointless.

Its summer. My summer restlessness is kicking in. I want a mohawk (sp?).

That is all.

what, no climax?

Well, for all intents and purposes,I'm done. I finished everything that had to be done, it's all ready to be handed in. I'm happy with most of it except for personal vision. Ironic considering that's supposed to be our "masterpieces". But I'll pass and right now thats all I really want.

Interesting story, I'm in bed right now. In bed typing?? what's this?? That's right, I got a laptop. Anytime I tell anyone about it they make fun of it but you know what? screw you all. It's mine, all mine. I dont need the best, I just need something that'll work. So what if it's a Dell... I bite my thumb at thee.

An increasing number of things are making me uncomfortable as of late. I thought that finishing all my projects would provide an intense sense of relief but I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Part of it is this horrible disgusting sappy part of me that I'm ashamed to say I have... I think I'll miss Heritage. Not so much the school itself... I have little love for the school, but really the people.

The group dynamic in the second year visual art students is like nothing Ive ever experienced. I have never spent this much time with the same people without either getting sick of them or there having some sort of drama. It completly amazes me how we just all fit together. No one fights, no one gossips negatively about others, there are no cliques and we have an awesome time when we're all together. Dont get me wrong, nothing in the world could get me to give up my friends, we just have a different connection. All this to say, the end is going to be bitter sweet.

I'm looking forward to monday's art show (HERITAGE COLLEGE, 7PM, MONDAY MAY 8TH. BE THERE OR ELSE. ALL OF YOU) but I know it'll be a sob fest. Em Paris will start if off, then Uta and then we'll all be bawling. Im sorry in advance for the ackwardness for everyone else. We'll make it all up to you while getting smashed afterwards. Booya.

Maybe once the exams are over it'll really sink in...

My father is making me call Dell and harrass them. I don't like harassing people, I'm not a very aggressive person. They're going to walk all over me, I can just tell. Sigh... They gave us a shitty mouse which was falsely advertised and we want to make them pay for the shipping to take it back. Oh and they said I'd get a bag with it... which I didnt. But I cant find any proof that said they would... so this should be interesting.

anyways, Rhonda is making me post so that she can stop procrastinating so I should go..

WORK RHONDA WORK!!!

A walk in the park.

Spoke too soon.

Right now Im not doing so well. I want to punch in the computer screen. I can't write in french and I have no fucking clue what made me think I could in the first place. Im in the middle of some goddamn panic attack over the fact that I have about 5 major projects due in the next 2 weeks and here I am trying to write some piece of shit 500 word french paper on why I think people dont like modern art when I have to get up in a little over 5 hours to give an oral presentation on something I just pulled out of my ass.

I actually can't breathe normally right now. Deep breaths make my eyes tear up.
I wish everyone would just forget I exist for the next two weeks so I could work guilt free.

FUCK.

...but I wish I did.

This is probably one of the only times that I'll talk about my relationship with emma in any kind of detail on this thing. You have to understand that to me, it's a deeply personal thing that I don't feel right simply posting on the internet for anyone to wander by and read. That being said, I'll be contradicting myself immediately. I just have a few things on my chest and I don't really have anyone to share with as I'm hiding in a new media lab in the dark hoping the janitors will a) not notice or B) if they DO notice, not care.

I'm fully aware that most people don't seem to get my attraction to him although they are happy knowing I'm happy. The truth is, I have never met a person like him. In one day he has caused my to go from tired and unhappy to stressed and borderline anxiety attack to blissfully happy. Now to some people this may not necessarily sound like a good thing, but... somehow it is. For an hour he patiently sat there and gently coaxed me out of my funk,using everything from humour, to sincere admissions to things he normally would avoid talking about altogether, to unfaliable reason, to flattery, to holding me, to confiding to me things that he had not told me over the past 6? 7? months, until eventually... we just continued into a normal conversation. A real, easy, comfortable conversation, something that has been difficult between us for a while. The whole thing has left me feeling more like myself than I have in days, weeks even perhaps. I sat down on the computer and immediately started typing out my essay that I have been avoiding for the past week.

I know that a large amount of the anxiety I was feeling was directly linked to him and I know that I have spent countless hours doing the same thing for him but that really isnt the point. I have never had a person talk to me this way and say exactly all the right things. And not only did he say the right things, he said them the right way and he did the right things. There will always be problems, I have no illusions about that. but the part that really makes me love him is that I know that we can always sit for an hour, 2 hours, or three if necessary, and gently but firmly work everything out and fall in love all over again in the process.

Right now, against all odds, I am motivated to get all this work done and am almost(lets not get too crazy here...) eager to be productive. And I can honnestly say I owe that to him.

I don't come with and instructions manual.

It just hit me in a rather shocking manner. I don't know if this is something that is obvious to other people but it had never occured to me before...

I think I'm attracted (I mean both in friends and relationships) to needy people. I don't mean that in a negative way... I mean it as in have a certain number of insecurities that are usually dealt with the help of the people closest to them (ie me among others).

I wonder if thats actually true and if so.. what does that mean?

Sleep inducing food binges.

The last few days have been a blur of stress, caffeine highs, improv, panic attacks and introversion. I've wanted to hit things, I've wanted to yell at people, I've felt like vomiting, I've been on the edge of tears.
I tore into this guy I don't really know just because I could. He's one of those one-up guys... "You think YOU'VE got it rough?..." followed by some heartbreaking story about how he has to balance a weekend job with school. A) yeah? you and the rest of the fucking school B) You knew what you were getting into when you took the job and C) no one fucking cares. Anyways, literaly EVERY SINGLE TIME I see him, he's complaing about this kind of thing. Normally I'd just ignore it but today I just ... ask him, you know, is he EVER positive? Anyways, we argued back and forth for a bit, him not making any sense and me and everyone else knowing it so that I ended with just a smile and "yeah... okay" because enough had been said to make him look ridiculous. In the end I didn't feel better, I just felt like an ass.

Anyways, the past few days of nauseating stress, anger, frustration ended up with me coming home to work on an essay and instead eating for about 30 minutes straight (pretty much until I felt sick) and passing out for about an hour. It seems that the more stressed out I get, the less work I get done and the less work I get done, the more stressed I get.

Fuck... Im just rambling now. yeah, I know, everyone else is stressed and for once this is kind of comforting... I just want to sleep for an entire week, I want to read a book FOR FUN, I want to spend three days straight in bed with emma just laughing and talking, I want to walk around town all night long, binging on sugar and caffeine, until the sun comes up, I want to get roaringly drunk with all my friends and not have to work the next day.

right. enough of the whine. Emily is a big girl now, she can handle a little stress without falling to pieces, right?



...



right.

Dear Ms. Cloutier,

I am pleased to advise you that you have been granted admission to Concordia University. Your program choices have been carefully considered and you have been admitted to:


Bachelor of Fine Arts
Major Painting and Drawing

*cries* *dies*

VIKI!!! WE'RE GOING TO BE ROOMIES!!!!!

My life as a musical.

Last night I had a moderatly longish walk to do in the almost dark. I listenned to the soundtrack of Amelie. THe music combined with the warm weather combined with my upbeat mood made me feel like I was having the most important walk of my life. It was as though I'd just been told that I had been accepted to Concordia, all expenses payed and, oh by the way, you got a 100% in all your classes. It felt like immense potential. It made me want to skip of wave my arms around to the beat. Long story short, best walk in a while.

Today, the same sort of thing happened. I was working in the basement with a hammer and such, but this time I was listenning to Great Big Sea. I felt like I was building so integral piece to our doomed fishing vessel, all manly like, instead of a support for an art project. I realise that this one is a fair amount silier than the other one but it made me feel better about being stuck in the basement when its so nice out, so SHH.

Fuck... Two plans in one night yet again. godamn.

Emily: the abridged version.

For some reason I came up with the great idea of taking stock of my life. I know full well that this is likely to leave me cranky and unsatisfied but here goes:

School: slipping.
I'm running out of steam. My previous determination and drive is slowly running out. I lose concentration and waste time at school that I can't afford to waste. I have an unhealthy amount of work to do and I'm not properly using my time. I seem to have lost my drive and Personal Vision, arguably the most important, is taking most of the hit. Starting today, whenever I think of Concordia, or the future at all for that matter, I get this horrible lump of anziety in my stomach. I'm becoming more and more convicned that the worse is going to happe. It doesn't seem to matter how many tell me I'll be fine, I won't believe it until I see it. As a result, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Romantic:No comment.
This doesn't mean good or bad, it just means its a topic I'd rather not discuss on a blog.

Friends: losing battle
I feel like I'm slowly losing touch and alienating some of my closer friends. I don't like this feeling. I feel like I'm constanrly putting people on a priority list and it's always the same things that come out on top.

Work: work.
still at boring Ma Cuisine. I hope to maybe get another part time job for the summer. One I might actually like or have some sort of aptitude for.

Personal: Non-existant
Still no quality alone time, unless you count late night busrides, which I do appreciate.. sort of. So many things I need to do but dont have time for... get my driver's liscence, go see the chiro, sleep in, clean my room, see a doctor, get a new health card, shave my legs... These are all on my priority list for the summer.

Family: Steady
Been bonding with my dad. Turns out he goes home around 8 or 9 at night so I'm often able to get rides with him after school. Most I've seen of him in a long time. As a result I don't see much of my mom. She chopped the tip of her index finger off. I'm almost certain I've inherited her aptitude with all things sharp and very hot. Looking forwards to easter. First big family dinner in a while. Extended family gets to meet Emma properly for the first time. Sould be interesting at the very least...

Comics: Mixed.
Im not sure why this gets a section of its own, it just does. Im finally caught up on most of the ones I missed for the past month or two. Some horribly dissapointing, others quite awesome. My own comic is uh... not doing so well... A work in progress, if you will.

Health:Pathetic.
My meals have become completly erratic. If I do eat supper, and I often dont, it's not until 9. Breakfast is sketchy and even lunch is usually eaten around either 11am or 3pm. The quality of food I eat is getting worse too. I haven't done anything physical since march break. My sleep patterns generally are never more than 7 hours and can drop to as little as 4. I've also developed a taste for caffeine and the easy energy it delivers. I've had a headache for the past 4-5 days because of allergies (at least I hope thats why) but Im avoiding the nose spray on acount of it being a hastle and nasty.

Financial: alarming.
While I do have money saved up, there is a certain amount of money I generally stay above. Recently my funds have been dropping below that level. Ive been spending money needlessly (*see: unhealthy eating and taste for caffeine). All in all I'm trying to take drastic saving measures in hopes to be able to boost up my account especially since it looks like I'll need it next year. My father has informed me that he will be giving me one lump sum at the begenning of the semester. It is my responsibility to budget that amount for the whole year. He asked me to count out a budget. My rough estimate was that it would cost me to live and go to school in montreal, about 7665$ for 12 months. This includes everything and everything involved with living there, including stuff like furniture (bed) and a new computer. I really hope that that number is off by some... or that I counted wrong. yeesh... Must start saving.

I just realised that I took the most negative spin possible on most of these categories. I could rewrite the entire thing naming only the good things in my live but... I'm far too lazy. It would be an interesting idea though...

Either way, I've writen far too much, not done tonight's homework and need to go to bed. And so, I bid thee goodnight.

Latte induced productivity.

more good times with the VA girls (plus one).
Buzzed on caffeine.
Got home and organized my money folder (it holds pay stubs, T4s and bank statements), scanned a comic and caught up on a month or two's worth of Penny-arcade, Megatokyo and Questionable Content. The rest will have to wait for some other time I'm in a comic reading mood. For some reason Penny arcade just sucks these days. This makes me sad... QC however is FINALLY getting on with their storyline and megatokyo... well... megatokyo is as dramatic as always.

I should go to bed... It'll be my last time sleeping in my house until sunday so I might as well make it good. Fuck... why does this always happen? welp...

let the mayhem begin.

circumstantially funny.

This morning I had to drag myself out of bed. It was REALLY difficult. I can't remember if this was this morning or last night, they kind of blend together since it feels like I didnt sleep at all, but I thought of something kind of funny. I don't know if anyone else is as lame as I am, but occasionally I think of clever and witty things to post and get all excited about it. This morning I thought of something along those line. It went something like this:

"Last night I, for the first time in over a month, turned off my alarm clock and went to bed. The next morning I slept for as long as my body could handle. It was bliss."

At first I was amused. Amusement quickly turned to inner despair at the realisation that the entire thing was complete fiction. I never actually turned off my alarm clock. In fact, my alarm clock has been on for over a month. It will probably continue being on for the next 2 to 3 weeks at least, faithfully tearing me from sleep every morning I'm at home.

I feel that to be fair I should add a few specifications. I can't properly sleep in at other's homes. It's never as comfortable and also is kind of rude to sleep until 11, even if it's possible. Likewise, I can't properly sleep in when people are sleeping at my house. Granted, both of these are way better than getting up at 6 in the morning, but it's just not the same as a full, guilt free, sleepin.

In other, happier, news... The roomate situation is figured. Next year, Emily, Rhonda and Viki will be kicking it together Montreal style.

Rock.

whats goes up must come down.

I almost wish I had the flu so that I could slow down for a while.
As much as the past few days have been fun, the fact that I wont have a day to sleep in or to have for myself for at least two weeks depresses me.

I havent had supper at home since last sunday. Life doesn't upset me, it simply makes me very tired. It has come to the point that I cant justify a night to myself.

I realised that if I work every day within the time available to me, I'm not even sure I can get all the work I want to do done.

If I go to bed now I will get under 4 hours of sleep.

In every sense of the word, I'm drained with no hope of rest.

I have energy seeping from my pores.

The reason Im posting right now is because I have too much energy. I've been talking like mad for the past hour and I think Im about to drive the VA girls nuts (especially since they are trying to get work done).

It's absolutely amazing how much energy I have right now. I can't sit still. I want to talk to everyone. I want to run. I want to laugh and smile. And I want to drink.
Tonight is the Visual Arts party. We call it this, but really it's Em Paris having a bunch of second year visual art girls at her place and getting plastered. Tonight, after weeks of responsible hard work, we're being totally unreasonable. We will stay at school late, eat McDonalds, laugh like idiots, get really drunk, stay up all night at Em's and stumble in at 8 in the morning to our first class of the day.

Already this is turning out to be a great night. I have laughed more in the past few hours than I have in weeks. We're all giddy and ready to do something stupid.

Its absolutly amazing how such completly different people can become so close simply by being in the same class all the time. This is the first time the VA crew has hung out outside of school and already it just feels so natural.

Either way, Im on a suger and caffeine high and later tonight I'll be on a alcohol high. I don't think this night can go wrong *knocks on wood*

The only downside to this is that I've gotten next to no work done. Poop.
enh well, there's always next week.

Let the hi-larity begin!

The cat came back...

..but not the very next day. I am so very lame.

Ive talked to very few people since ive been back. Mostly just people who have either a)called me or b)physically placed themselves in my sight lines so that I am forced to talk to them.

Ive lost interest in the internet as a whole. think this is my second time on since the trip.

things of note about europe: The french can be excused for their snootiness on acount as they have the best food ever. The swiss are just cool despite their wacko union laws. I want to re-visit geneva so that I can spend lots of money in this hat store. Someone conveiniantly built paris a few hundred years ago so that all the tourist attractions are near eachother. How kind. Geneva airport security is slack. Air canada lost all our luggage. Chinese suicases should not be bought for 10$ (they have this habbit of falling apart on your first day of a two week trip).

I want to go back and visit the countryside. Paris has a district for everything. you will wander on to a road and realise that everything on that road sells the same thing. The have a crepe district, a fancy restaurant district, a crappy restaurant district, a clothing store district, a sex district, an antique district... for some reason the sex district was the biggest... or at least the flashiest. There were really several small restaurant districts so you could argue that it was the biggest.

last week was spent in a jet lag induced high/low cycle. I would crash at about 9 oclock every night and then wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed for the next day. It was wonderful for my health but terrible for my social life. Considering it's now 11 and Im not passed out on the keyboard, I'd say my sleeping patterns are pretty much back to normal.

School is kicking my ass. Not only do I have to catch up on stuff I missed, I have upcomming due dates as well. Business as usual. I wish I could ignore the shitty projects I have no interest in and concentrate on work I actually care about.

Work is dull but necessary.

I miss my friends.

But for once in my life I can say that love is fabulously grand.

Vain attempts at avoidance.

The List revamped.
everything in italics remains to be finished:
-write a project proposal (due monday)
-Finish Frankenstein (due this friday)
-Write an essay (due next friday)-Apply to university
-write a cover letter for concordia
-take pictures of artwork(only two left)
-get pictures developed
-organise my portfolio
-FedEx my portfolio
-Work about 26 hours (about 14 of those on sunday) (working 9 of those hours saturday)
-Pack clothes and ski equipment to last me 2 weeks
-go to Lilian and viki's birthday party
-see emma's play
-see emma at least semi substantially before I leave for two weeks.

I love how the italics greatly outnumber the amount non-italics. Especially since theres only like 2 days left.

I am like machine.

To sleep or to write...

See... I know I should stay up another hour and keep writing but... I just no longer have anything to say or the will to work in anymore pointless quotes that Im putting in just because he said I had to. Really.. to me it just completly undermines the point of my essay. Or the point of me writing an essay.

And this is the other reason I don't want to write anymore, after a certain point during the day, what I write stops making sense. Still, a rational part of me says that something is better than nothing. But a slightly less rational but still deviously clever part of me argues that I really could use the sleep. But this is countered by the regretfully honnest part of me which knows that I probably wont sleep because I just had a cup of tea (and the tea seeped for like 12 hours too...) and I know that significant progress on this essay will be well worth the lost hour or so of sleep.

All this to say that essays suck and I suck at writing them.


My mother gave me guff for not starting all this work sooner. I pointed out that Id been working like mad. She countered that that has been only for the past few weeks. I felt the need to point out that in those past few weeks ive worked harder and accomplished more than I have ever before. But she would just point out that thats what the "real world" is all about so I held my tongue. It would be nice to just once hear about how proud she is that Im working so hard to get all this stuff done. But you know... that wouldnt contribute to the shaping of my character as a hardworking member of society. I must get used to underapreaciation in the workforce.

Bah. Either way, I can't complain. My mom actually has alot to do with whatever success I've managed to scrape together. She is ultimatly the person whose advice I trust the most since its always put in a way that just makes everything seem so obvious. Of course this is in most matters. There are still some I would never broach with her and thats just fine with me. Just as there are things that I don't ask for advice on but I still get plenty of. Thats when I usually don't listen.

Either way, not Im just trying really hard to waste time. I should try and poop out a conclusion of sorts... or work in my secondary source. damn secondary source...

New Criticize this *insert obscene gesture here*

To anyone who is in my english class: are we supposed to focus on one storyline? Because wouldnt make mre sense to relate all three to each other if we're taking a new critical approach considering they have that whole hard on for unity and such?

I hate essays...

Heartfelt request.

My attention and presence will be severely limited to nonexistent over the next three weeks.
TO all of you who care enough to try and talk to me Im sorry. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry.
Im busy. Real busy. And right now, I need people to ignore me. I love you all but... please just leave me alone for a week.
On friday I cried for the first time in about 2 months and the first time in a public building in like... 2-3 years. Im stressed.

Im honnestly worried about how this is going to turn out.

Its just you and me Mr Project Proposal

The olympics are evil.

Februrary is kicking my ass.

I just realised that I havent talked to many of my "away" friends in a while... Im sorry for that. Truth is, I can't remember the last time I spent an hour in my house not doing something or avoiding doing something.

My Exploration projects are all due tomorrow. With a little luck and elbow grease they should all be ready on time. It's midnight and I got home about 20 minutes ago. I was at school for 12 hours. I'll be home for about 7 and a bit before I leave again. I like to think that Im not really complaining so much as stating amusing and interesting facts.

I think I may also be getting sick. As much as I'd appreciate the down time, I don't think I have TIME to get sick. The next week and a half feels like a marathon of activity that I dont fankly feel up to. I leave for france on the 26th of Februrary.
Before then I must:
-write a project proposal (due monday)
-Finish Frankenstein (due this friday)
-Write an essay (due next friday)
-Apply to university
-write a cover letter for concordia
-take pictures of artwork
-get pictures developed
-organise my portfolio
-FedEx my portfolio
-Work about 26 hours (about 14 of those on sunday)
-Pack clothes and ski equipment to last me 2 weeks
-go to Lilian and viki's birthday party
-see emma's play
-see emma at least semi substantially befor I leave for two weeks.

At this point in time Im not entirely sure that this is all physically possible. I also think that once I get on that plane, I will pass out and sleep the entire 7 hour flight.

Even after all of this I feel an odd sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Im doing something I want to do. Im getting things done and not procrastinating even though Im still caught rushing at the last minute. I am happy with my life right now, even with the stress. It's good to have some sort of goal.

All of this being said, the next time I even hear a HINT of someone saying visual arts is a slack course, I will repeatedly stab them with a paintbrush, eventually causing their demise. I will then paint a painting of it.

I will call it "Poetic Justice.... Asshole".

My Busting out Plan.

A while back I had this fear that when I left Heritage I would actually, god forbid, kind of... well... miss the place. And not just the people, the school itself. I think it might be a form of stockholm syndrom.
However, I've now found a solution to that unfortunate problem. See, recently Ive been spending a disgusting amount of time at school. ie- Last week I was home once before 7. Last night I was home at 10. After only a week, I am completly sick of the place and would pay to never set foot there again. Imagine where I'll be in a few months!

As a result to this, I decided to work from home today. As a result of this, it's 11:38 and I've done nothing so far. As a result of this, I think I should get my ass in gear.

Yours truly,
Emily.

Word of the day: Rah.

I keep having these panicky moments where Im convinced I wont get into Concordia. And the I have the panicky moments where Im convinced that if I do get in I'll either hate it or suck at it.

I drew this, scanned it and worked on it a bit as a potential portfolio peice. Im a little weary of it. VA girls, any CONSTRUCTIVE comments (including teling me its not really portfolio material) would be greatly appreaciated. Also there is a shading difference between the left and the right figure... I cant figure out which is best..


and now Im going to go and try and regain some sort of decent sleeping pattern.

Of Life reaffirming Hangovers

Im just back from Montreal. Lots of stuff happened. It feels like I've been gone for a few days, not simply over night. I'd talk at lengths about some of my experiences but it's late and I have work tomorrow.

This next month will be one of the hardest and most stressful of my life. This isn't just for a decent grade, it's for my academic future. I need to compile a list of things that need to be done before I leave for march break:

submit application
write cover letter
finish portfolio (including around 4 more pieces)
sculpture assignment
Painting assignment- including finding a subject by thursday
3 assignments for Explorations due Feb 15... Mirror, Magic box and name. (two of those still need an idea)
read Frankenstein
work on Personal VIsion project
bring protfolio to montreal

I have 26 days to do all of this. If I avoid doing things with you at this point guys, dont take it personally. I don't know how Im going to deal with Emma... The problem is that when I'm stressed I don't really miss people. So if Im really busy I can go awhile without spending quality time with people. So while he will be sad to not spend time with me, I'll simply get irritated when he mentions it because I'll feel guilty and guilt is more stress. And then I'll resent him for adding this stress. and he'll notice and feel even worse about the whole situation. And I'll know that he's even more upset over it and then I'll feel even worse about everything.
So yeah... If I try and kill you, don't take it personally. I've just got alot going on apparently.

My moral of the weekend is that while massive hangovers give you a fresh perpective on life, they arent beneficial when you're dragging a giant portfolio around montreal.
No more Tequilla. Especially the 10$ kind. And especially after corona...

Liquor before beer,
You're in the clear.
Beer before liquor,
You've never been sicker.

Day 3 sucks.

I know I seem to be writing about nothing but dental surgery lately, but I just thought I'd mention that so far, Day 3 blows the most. At this point, I can't really close my teeth together because the inside of my swollen cheeks are getting in the way. And it hurts. And it's oozing blood.
To top things off I look like a goon from the mob (yes, I look like a man) because my jaw is swollen to about a gazillion times its normal size.
I know this should be the last thing I should be worrying about but I would REALLY like to see my boyfriend for the first time in a month while not looking like a cross between a mob hitman and a chipmunk.

Do you think he'll notice if I wear a scarf around my head all day?

Baby steps, right?

Today, while my mom was not around, I managed to sneak some chips. I think it took me about half an hour to mash up (using only my front teeth) about 5 chips. But seeing as they contained no fruit, it was totally worth it.

I also am upgraded from cold liquids to warm liquids today. Thats right, I get warm soup! Not HOT mind you, but WARM.
My brother is such a jerk. He had the nerve to eat not one, but TWO hamburgers right infront of me. No matter how much I begged he wouldnt let me have even the teansiest bite... How's that for sibling love? I stole some bun though... About the size of a toonie... That took me a while to get through too... but again, no fruit = worth it.

Okay, off to more Buffy. Waiting for the pills to kick in...they are taking their sweet ass time...

Go Chemistry?

So my first impression of dental surgery is.... what surgery? All I remember is them gasing me until I was a little woozy and then them sticking me with a needle. The waking up part is a little fuzzy as well.

I spent the day watching Buffy and eating fruit in various form. Juice, sauce (ie apple sauce), Smoothie, frozen yogurt, some puree stuff that was really good but I couldn't eat very well because the blueberries got stuck in my holes... ew..

all that being said, Im hungry. Im tired of fruit. I want something salty... like... nachos. or a hamburger... mmmm....

This whole codeine thing is making me rather outspoken. or maybe it's an excuse?

Geh... My mind isnt really going in straight lines right now but I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to wake up with my gums killing me.

RAH! go chemical drugs!!

Here she goes...

In 35 minutes I will be lying in a chair and begenning the process of surgically removing 4 of my teeth.

Woot.

Invalidity, here I come!!

Soon to be chipmunk Emily.

Yeah, so tomorrow? Getting my wisdom teeth pulled... yeah. awesome.

I have to talk to like 6 different people before then for various errands, all with varying degrees of importance ranging to VERY important to just important.

I decided to make the past week make up for the next couple days of invalidity. I like to think it was a success. I never did get to go racing (long story involving my dad being 2 hours late because of a snowstorm... actually thats pretty much the story.) but I did get to go skiing on friday curtosy of my dad's work. That was awesome. Then over the weekend I got to hang with da boys (plus zarah (zhara?)). As usual we got no sleep and generally acted like fools. Now, after not sleeping at all, my plan was to go home and spend the day sleeping. Somehow this plan got masively fucked over. Along the way home I got a call from my mom that went a little something like this :"why aren't you at work?" Now my sleep deprived mind didn't quite grasp this. At this point it understood sleep. Lots of sleep. Somehow, work did not sound like sleep. Unfortunatly, this didn't really matter. I had to work.

So, I showed up at my shift half an hour late, with no sleep, no shower and no work clothes. Luckily we had extra work stuff in the basement and by the time I got ready, I was a full 45 minutes late. Emily is a genius. She then proceeded to work 7 hours. Strangely enough, the part that bothered me the most wasn't the lack of sleep (although it bothered me plenty) but was the lack of shower.

The next day I was off to a montreal dinner party at dear Viki's place involving much fun, food and wine. Twas sublime.

Finally I must find a way to make today not a waste. Tis my last pain-free day of freedom.

In other news, VA girls, I'd like to point out the crapbox that is our schedual this semester. In particular the seven hour Lyle marathon that kicks off our week. Girls, we will need eachothers support more than ever this year... See y'all on monday.

Right list to self- people I must see/call today:
-My dental surgeon needs a call
-I need to call work and explain to them in all likelyhood my face wont be up to the customer service smile necessary at Ma Cuisine by sunday
-I need to visit my optometrist and bitch at them because my new contacts randomly ripped
-call Alex and make plans...
-go to my driving school and pay off my fees and book my last lesson.

and I think that's it... oh and guys, only 4 more days until sunday... *does a little dance*