"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life..."

-Michael Buble

Im in a quotation mood right now. For those of you who have never heard of Michael Buble, listen to Feeling Good. There are other decent songs, but that is one to be listenned to with eyes closed and half smile.

Im feeling rather introverted at the moment. I'm reading the Fisher King. It's not what Im used to but intreaging nonetheless. I read this today and found it slightly intressting. It has to do with "having trouble with your girl". Basically, the situation would be a woman is confronted about her intentions to leave "her man".
And if I did, what then
Are you agreev'd therfore?
The Sea hath fishe for every man,
And what would you have more?

Now, roll the two quotes together and you get "life is long. Live it."


I feel as though I have been put on a pedestal. Worse, that I have put myself on a pedestal. One of the things I both love and hate about myself is that I am able to recognize what most people want me to do. I may not always do it, but I usually do. This is why pretty much no one hates me. Im sure there's someone out there, but Ive never heard anyone get vocal about it. The truth is, I never believed that people felt very strongly about me one way or another. Mostly because if I just give people what they want they'll never be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. Now that I say it I know it sounds terrible. I can't help but hope that Im just saying it out loud the hear how it sounds. It's a wonderful way of figuring out what you think.

My point is, or at least while it might not have been this originaly it is now, that it's very difficult to know one's self. AT least... I think so. I'm constantly second guessing whether I'm doing something to make myself happy or to make others happy. But then again, maybe what makes me happy is seing others happy so that in making them happy Im really just making myself happy. But on the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't worry about other. But ultimatly, is there a should and shouldn't? Is there a handbook on the self?

There are a few things I do know about myself. A few truths I live by. Some might even call them cliches but to them I say they're cliche for a reason. Lying is bad, the truth is better. I've often called myself a hypocrite on this one which is why in brought in the next one. There are no black and whites. No absolutes. This is so hard to actually faithfully live by. Everyone, especially me, is always looking for the RIGHT anwser. There might be many right anwswers.

I dont know what my deal is tonight, I feel like I could write for ever. I want to have a deep conversation with someone. I feel like I lack depth in my life right now. I need to read more. I like reading. I kind of stopped over the school year. I forget sometimes that I used to experience conversation through books more often than actually in person. I know thats not healthy but it does remind me that I've used books as a safe zone my whole life. I can't forget that.


Oh, I suck as a cashier. It takes me about 4 times longer than it should to close cash and Im consistantly skrewing up in farely major ways. Today I got into a conversation with a customer about oil paint in which I gave him advice with his brushes. After he left I realised that I was more engaged in that one conversation than I was was all my dealings with customers of the day combined together. I want to work in an art supply store. I want to actually be usefull, actually have a purpose.

I had soccer practice today in which we had a friendly game agaisnt another senior women's tean from Aylmer. They were much more experienced and organized and therefore killed us but it was fun nonetheless. I am disgustingly out shape though. The funny thing is that once I got home I felt so at peace. I remember why I love sports so much. Alot of things I forgot about are coming back to me I guess. Im glad I have a game tomorrow. First of the season. I still don't know the names of half the girls on my team. But it should be fun. I saw some good talent today and Im looking forward to getting some chemistry flowing on the team.

I guess I should sleep... I appolagise for the length and conten of this post. It's all part of the on going filing process in my head.

Onwards Ho.