Why I hate weekends.

I can't help but shake the feeling that something is wrong. That I've made some big mistake in my life, that I am not doing something important, that there is something very wrong with me.... I don't feel like this everyday... just about every other day.

I'm really trying hard to put it into words and I've been mentally writing this blog post for months now. The truth is, I just don't know who I want to be. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. At some point I rejected the notion that I needed to get a normal "career" which involved picking what I wanted to do to make a living for the rest of my life. I convinced myself to ignore money and devote myself to my own projects and the money part will work itself out.

The problem is that right now I have to force myself to work and think. When I am working on a project the only time I am not full of anxiety over it or dreading it is when I'm actually focused on the project. But to get to that point I have to constantly fight with myself and negotiate and argue and convince and manipulate.... It shouldn't be this hard! If this is what I want to do, then why don't I just do it! And if this ISN'T what I want to do, then what the fuck else am I going to do? Because it's not like I'm distracted by some other great plan, I basically just want to sit on my couch, surf the internet, drink a beer or two, watch some movies.... Be a loser essentially. Be that person that we all know and enjoy but don't really think much of or respect.

And oh god do I not want to be that person. I just don't know who else I'm supposed to be.

I generally feel most at peace on weeks where I keep myself really busy. I come home tired but ultimately satisfied. Day where I do little, I get depressed, angry, anxious, restless and unbearably lazy. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Lately I've started wondering if being busy just prevents me from asking questions about my own life. Or does it genuinely make me happy? Does the absence of unhappy thoughts make you happy?

Somewhere deep down inside of me is someone who thinks I can do better but they're fighting it out with someone even deeper down who thinks I'll never really amount to much....