I can't help but shake the feeling that something is wrong. That I've made some big mistake in my life, that I am not doing something important, that there is something very wrong with me.... I don't feel like this everyday... just about every other day.
I'm really trying hard to put it into words and I've been mentally writing this blog post for months now. The truth is, I just don't know who I want to be. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. At some point I rejected the notion that I needed to get a normal "career" which involved picking what I wanted to do to make a living for the rest of my life. I convinced myself to ignore money and devote myself to my own projects and the money part will work itself out.
The problem is that right now I have to force myself to work and think. When I am working on a project the only time I am not full of anxiety over it or dreading it is when I'm actually focused on the project. But to get to that point I have to constantly fight with myself and negotiate and argue and convince and manipulate.... It shouldn't be this hard! If this is what I want to do, then why don't I just do it! And if this ISN'T what I want to do, then what the fuck else am I going to do? Because it's not like I'm distracted by some other great plan, I basically just want to sit on my couch, surf the internet, drink a beer or two, watch some movies.... Be a loser essentially. Be that person that we all know and enjoy but don't really think much of or respect.
And oh god do I not want to be that person. I just don't know who else I'm supposed to be.
I generally feel most at peace on weeks where I keep myself really busy. I come home tired but ultimately satisfied. Day where I do little, I get depressed, angry, anxious, restless and unbearably lazy. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Lately I've started wondering if being busy just prevents me from asking questions about my own life. Or does it genuinely make me happy? Does the absence of unhappy thoughts make you happy?
Somewhere deep down inside of me is someone who thinks I can do better but they're fighting it out with someone even deeper down who thinks I'll never really amount to much....
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Dear: Emily
There are so many people who live with the nagging feeling that they are not living up to their potential, but who are at loss to explain what that potential is. As you approach the end of your degree, you are bound to question your original reasons for entering into such a program. The last months have been known to be some of the most difficult. All you can think is that very soon you will have start putting this degree to work and start being who you should be. It seems as though it would be hard not to feel stuck with a path you chose four years ago.
It's an illusion Mim. There are countless university graduates who are slowly ambling toward who they believe they aught to be, and who they think they want to be, and yet they have no clear understanding of who that might be. A girl I met last Saturday was telling us all that she was a third year neurology student and that she was eighteen. She said it as if it were something that truly defined her. When me and my class mates began discussing the projects on which we have been working for the past two months, due at the end of the semester, she interrupted us, and interrogated loudly: "Why is it that all of you documentary people only talk about school stuff?" The answer was obvious, and her reason for asking was to. She is a girl who must have worked hard to be where she is and to have learned that which she has, which admittedly translates to a good chance at financial stability post graduation. However her degree will mean nothing if she ends up locked into a career that does not animate her. That is why you have always thought that the money part will work itself out. You understand the importance of being moved by your work. Now, if your work has not been exciting you and you have been at a loss to find inspiration then maybe there is something wrong. However, remember that no matter how driven a person may be she will always suffer some dulling of her excitement after a long bout of working. What is important is to make sure that you do not lose complete interest in all things related. It will be hard some days to wake up and get up and do work, but there won't be any other "job" that you would rather have.
Do not worry about the past four years (or by the time you finish, five years). All that you have learned was for something, even if you were to decide to drop everything now and become a secretary. So long as you are happy, there is nothing more important that you should be doing. Not having unhappy thoughts only makes you content. To be happy one requires happy thoughts. Swirl in some passion and garnish with a slight of tragedy, and you will have full life.
I miss you very much.
Alexander
_P.s. There was a time, long ago, when you told me that you wanted to illustrate a children's story or anything; just something to try your hand at it.
alex's comment is entirely too long so here is something shorter:
ditto.
Right now, I just want a job and a social life (preferably with people who will stir some sort of creativity). I know I need people like me to continue to do things I like, and I think ALL aspiring artists need that. Chris told me he didn't write one single thing for a year and a half.
That said, oh well. You wrote essays and have experience composing decent stuff. You're marketable. You're like every other almost-graduated student (myself included). The job market is rough, and it's just about taking what you can until a better option comes along.
This is a rough time, Em.
Post a Comment