of skiing and something else i was going to talk about but i cant remember what and hopefully it will come to me.

... i have really no idea what the second part of what i was going to talk about was... MAYBE ill think of it... doubtful.

*WARNING: BORNG BLOG ABOUT SKI STUFF*

anyways, the other part relates to skiing. i went skiing today.
yay.
it was fun. conditions were decent, perhaps a little better than decent even... but this is where the ski gods had a little fun with us. see, on the skyline side of fortune, the quad lift was out of opperation and apparently has been for quite a while. the second lift, and acient double, can normally go faster than just about any non-detachable chairs out there. unfortunatly, since it's their only lift on that side and they would be royaly screwed if it were to go out too, they were running it at about the speed your gramma goes on her daily walk. and so, the lineup was huge. so OF COURSE, my favorite run on the hill, was probably in the best condition ive EVER seen it in. and of course, with it being such a pleasure to ski, it really wasnt worth it since we spent about 20 minutes in line for a 50 second run. so we stuck to stupid-just-above-decent clifford *grumbles*

i have a conffesssion to make. i am a ski snob. and a big one at that. see... as a racer, im not that great. im about average maybe. but i am much better than just about all the non-racers on the hill. just like any other racer would be. everyone has that thing they are good at and cant stand hearing others talk about it as if they knew what was going on bu really have no clue. everyone has that one thing... with viki it would be singing or writing, mike is politics or macs, alex has his music, wolski his movies and so on and so on... anyways, im a snob. i get irritated when i hear people give terrible advice on skiing, when i see someone showing off a type a skiing that is SO OUTDATED it makes my head hurt, when i see people fall over and lose a ski and take three hours to put them back on.... it drives me nuts. i couldnt even tell you why except that im a horrible snobby person. and this is why i could never teach. i would get so impatient. (see: JUST F*CKING STAND THE HELL UP!!!!)
even though im not technically a racer, seing as how i havent been in a race in two years, i still have the habits. its a whole sub-culture you see... at almost any point during the day i could look up and see SOMEONE i recognised from the racing world. i saw old coaches, they said hi, old teamates, they ignored me, old teamate's parents, they said hi to my parents... anyways, its a world of its own, filled of tiny little habits and details that stick with you. like... how i still wear the dorky racing helmet despite the fact that a normal one would probably be more comfortable, or how i never wear a neckwarmer (except in like... 30 below zero weather), how i roll my snow pants up for easier access to my boot buckles, how i lean on my poles like crutches in the lift lineup, how i dote on my skis and am carefull to strap them up before putting them in the car, how when im not outside, i let the suspenders from the snow pants hang behind me, how i still use my curved GS poles despite their being useless outside of a race course... these and just a million other little manerisms...



okay, so you dont care. oh well... MY BLOG.

and i REALLY cant remember the other part.

Word.

Merry X to the Mas, yo.

its that time of year again.

enjoy the food folks.

The Plan.

i think that i need more things to do. take two people who essentially have the same problem. the one with more things to do wont notice it as much. that simple.

i really want to get my school schedual. i think it was evan who said this (i wonder if he still reads this? i wonder if he ever did?) but our lives more or less revolve around our school schedual. it decides whether i can go to karate, when i can work, what nights i can do homework, what days i can sleep in...

okay... once school starts ill have job (2 shifts a week), karate (3 times a week) and that homework stuff... im pretty sure i can cram something else in there... oh, and im supposed to keep going to see the chiro... but that'll only be once a week i think. i think i heard they'll be putting on a new play... maybe ill audition. or maybe ill join the BBM classes once i get my green belt... but that wont be for a while. (BBM classes are extra karate classes... it basically means instead of coming like 3 times a week you come 4/5 times or something like that) i would like to do that if my parents would pay for it... and chauffeur me around... OH! im supposed to start driving lessons as soon as i get my learners...whenever i make another appointment for the test...whenever i get my birth certificate in the mail... oh, and once and a while id like to go to the master's ski races on wednesday nights.

but, like i said, none of this can be planned until i get my schedual...


in other news... the x-mas spirit might be catching on a little in the cold bitter heart of mine...

who knew..

and now for this breaking news coverage...

im cold.
and my hair is curly. i dont know why it decided to be curly, it just is... maybe my aunt wasnt lying when she said it was last summer. anyways, my hair is curly as long at i let it dry straight, dont brush it and put the anti frizz stuff in.... so chances are, none of you will ever see my hair in such a state since i will never go through these preperations.



i dont want to paint! my grandparents gift looks like turd! gah! even grandparents dont want turd for christmas from their grandchildren! gah!

turd!!!! gah!!!!

SUCCESS!

i have successfully tought myself to tie a tie via the wonderful world wide web.


isnt the information age grand?

of meditations

every year i get a little less romantic about my theories on life.
not to long ago, i used to think that there was a right anwser to every problem. that there was a "meant to be". i still find myself thinking this way when a friend has a problem and im striving to find THE words to make them feel better. its like their problems are a locked door and there is only one key. but im starting to figure out that maybe there isnt just one anwser. maybe there isnt one at all. or maybe in some situations there IS only one anwser. but life isnt black and white. i believe in right and wrong, although why im not sure. its something along the lines of treat others as i would want to be treated myself. anyways, im getting off the point. i used to think that there was a higher power, some sort of fate, and that we would only be happy if we followed the one plan. but thiking about that now, im pretty sure its a load of rubbish. im scientifically minded. i believe in the darwin theory. the only path is the one where we all survive. i believe humans are just really smart animals. my only problem with this theory is that if everything else in the world balances out, why dont why? why are we doing everything in our power to unbalance our world. this is probably one of the ONLY things that will make me question whether or not we a creatures of nature. where does life come from? well... i like to think its always been here. no energy is created, simply transformed. the only reason people have a problem with this is because our minds just cant fathom "forever". at least, mine cant. but to me, just because we cant understand it, doesnt mean its impossible. its just one of those dimensions of thought we have no experience in.

anyways, in day to day life, i forget about most of what, when i seriously think about it, i fundementaly believe in. i still catch myself thinking that there are black and white decisions out there, only one leading to happiness, others to doom. maybe all have the possibility to be great. maybe there is no such thing as a right choice, but simply our perpective on them. see... im still thinking in terms of right and wrong. the back of my mind is still thinking "i wonder which of these theories is right..." maybe they can all be. figure it out.

thats another thing. i think you can talk until you're blue in the face to someone but the only way they will come to REALLY realis and accept something is if they figure it out themselves. you can help the process but you cant force it. or maybe just i cant.... try it and let me know!

sometimes when im sitting alone i have a kind of... narration in the back of my head. its like im writing in here except its just words in my head. not even a voice really. just words. (i wonder if this is healthy (there is no right anwser!!)) anywayds, time is a big concept. this is something that has been a half formed thought in the back of my head for years. not once have i been successfully able to explain in. ill try now. you know when you're sitting somewhere, thinking, i cant wait until tomorrow. and at that point in time, tomorrow seems soooooo far away. and then the next thing you know, its the day after tomorrow. now all that time that seemed to go on forever 2 days before, is a tiny memory in the back of your mind. in fact. compared to the moment you are living right at this very instant, every other moment in your life is a vague memory. even 5 minutes ago. NOW is much more real. now imagine 40 years from now when... (quick math) 58 years of your life are a vague memory compared to the moment your body is occupying right at that very instant. every moment that seem so crucial in your life is now just some memory. now this is the part that i have a hard time explaining... its like... 40 years from now, and today, are right next to eachother. compared to the NOW everything else is... small. so small that they might as well not be there. in a way, 40 years from now is as close as tomorrow. the time between now and both of them right now, when you REALLY think about it, seems to stretch forever. so its like... tomorrow you wake up and you are still 18 or tomorrow you wake up and you are 58 but.. in your memory, the time is basically the same. short. because the moment that last the longest is the one you are in and the one that is constantly ending. this is the best ive ever have or tried to explain it.

now this begs the question.... why bother? i am both deeply disturbed and quite apathetic about this at the same time. for some reason, i DONT think we should all just off ourselves. if the now is the time that feels longest to you, then enjoy the now. i suppose this inculdes making sure the actions you make ensure you will be happy in the future as well. (or at least not immediatly unhappy). so while we are not here for some specific purpose, i think we are just here to live. plain and simple.


in other news.... chirstmas soon... uh... yay?

em= zero christmas spirit.

emily: one, Mother Nature: ZERO

i must say, i am quite proud of little old me. mother nature set the challenge and i met it.

as i set out into the (around) 30 below zero temperature, i was prepared. i had on no less than, starting from the bottom and working our way up, my winter boots (bought them too big about 5 years ago, never grew into them), a pair of socks (i should have gotten the big wool ones...), two pairs of pants (one of them being cozy jogging pants), a tank top, t-shirt, wool sweater, sweat-shirt, my winter jacket (with hood up), big thick skarf (sp?) (wound around the outside of the pulled up hood) and a hat i stole from my brother and am thinking of claiming as my own (seeing as how he lost mine).

so my toes got a little chilly (see numb. my winter boots suck), my legs also were a bit chilled, cheeks slightly frosted (as is also numb) and probable frostbite on my nose (its happened so often its hard to tell anymore)... but i think i did okay. or better than i would have had i not been so prepared.


anywho, im still wearing most of the aforementioned paraphanalia and considering its quite a bit warmer in my house than outside, im starting to overheat a little.

and so concludes my story.

join us next time on "emily vs the sands of Time."

(hint: she loses)

its like this see...

i wrote a blog post last night. then i posted it. now it is nowhere to be found.


cool eh?

i have no idea what i wrote... something about combining 2 jobs and christmas taking up all my time...


speaking of which, i have to work tomorrow. at 9 am. at least i hope so. cafe complexe never called back again to confirm. so ill just go ahead anyways since... it seems like the best course of action. my brother was on the phone all night apparently. since when does my brother use the phone?? sigh.. one day he'll have more of a life than me, then what will we all come to!?!?!


i think i should go to bed

welp... (glorious is the word of the day)

its three am. and this is my second time writing this post.

i had a project to finish. im not really satisfied but its not BAD. thats the story behind all my project this semester... i dont think there was any i was completly satisfied with. its my own fault too. if i gave myself more time, i wold be able to work until i got the bloody thing just how i wanted it, not the closest thing available within a time frame. oh the life lessons we learn. in my eyes, all my work look mediocre at best. im not trying to be modest or anything,, but i can just see all the little things that need to be different and all the things i utterly suck at. its quite frustrating.

friday is a big day. job interview (preparing for my glorious getaway) and montreal (visiting my glorious jacqui).

what should i wear? (something glorious!)


is glore a word?

and now its time for a little something about emily...

my day was potentially made by a five minute phone call. no, it wasnt some boy asking me out on a romantic date, it wasnt an invite to a crazy party, i didnt win the lottery and didnt even hear about something awesome happenning to a friend. any of those things would have been very nice to hear, but that wasnt the case tonight.

it was a call from the owner of cafe complexe (a coffee shop in aylmer) inquiring as to whether or not i still wanted a job. its not for sure yet and i dont want to ge my hopes up (although i already have) but...

just think of what it would mean?
no more coming home greasy, no more hour long busride to and from work through the ghetto of aylmer, no more grumpy manager, no more annoying amanda, no more ontario minimum wage(quebec minimum wage is higher!), no more rideau center, no more retarded cinnabon uniform, no more retarded cinnabon policy and best of all...

no more cinnabon.

unfortunatly this would also mean i no longer get to work with jasmine. this REALLY blows but... im hoping she will save herself soon as well. god knows she deserves it.

but like i said... hot getting my hopes up... (ha.)

what else is there of note... hmmm... learn to fall (properly) in karate today, will be spending all of tomorrow painting, drinking orange juice now, looking forward to katerine's party (despite the fact that i took the wrong day off work...) and i think im finally comming to terms with being 100%, completly, no questions asked, unattached. not even a crush. okay, so i have a weakness for guys so... i have my eye on completly unrealistic options (so not options at all really). its not a crush.. just.. an interest. not even a serious one.
okay, im going to shut up now.



sigh.

what a deal

my mom said she'd give me a ride to work so that she could make me some bacon.


i have no complaints.

of angsty stuff.

well. isnt this just great.
the only two things that were comforting me today on the 8 hours of work and the prospect of doing nothing more exciting than going home after, was the fact that i finished at 7 and wouldnt have to close and that i would be able to rent some sappy movie and slack off which i havent done in a while. of course, i got to do neither of those things. instead, i got home at 11:45 to an empty house. i suppose its my fault though...
lately people have just... not been showing up for work. on of them being some girl who just started and we figured this is just her irresponsible way of quiting and the other being our assistant manager (usually quite responsible) who has vanished of the face of the planet. wont anwser his phone or return any calls. just all of a sudden stopped comming in for his shifts a few days ago. im kind of worried... partly because im afraid something might be wrong, partly because he'll probably lose his job and as far as managers go, he was pretty cool and partly because amanda has her eye on his position and the hell if i want her to be assistant manager...
anyways, all this to say is that i was suckered into staying the extra two and a half hours, rounding my shift to a pleasant 10.5 hours of work. fun, no? i thought so... on the plus side, my manager payed for my lunch..

speaking of which... that soup and salad, along with the bagel i had for breakfast, are all ive eaten today. i should eat something more than these crackers but i just dont have the heart to make it.

so this is what it comes down to. staruday night. 10 hours of work. home at 11:45. nothing to do but complain on here. even my lame ass excuse for plans are ruined. no messages on the anwsering mashine. no emails. a note from my parents saying my brother is spending the night at a friend's and they "wont be home to late". nothing to make this day worthwhile really. feel free to ignore my feeling sorry for myself. you caring will only encourage it. heh. work again tomorrow. why dont i just quit? "when i get a new job" "before school starts" "before christmas" "after christmas"... its all a crock. bleh.

my parents just got home. my dad turned on the tv, sat down and promptly fell asleep. now i have to try and listen to music over the tv. music. yes. that. my parents brought back a cd. a friend of theirs has a son in a band. so they bought their cd. its actually not that bad... the guy's voice is a little iffy at times. others its pretty good.
Decitone. anyone hear of it?



well... off to read myself to sleep.

not quite at peace

as much as last night was a high today is... well... not quite a low but getting close.

im tired, i didnt get any homework done (god knows it NEEDS to be done) and my ribs hurt.



but ill bounce back, no worries. there's always karate tomorrow night

at peace

i just finished 45 minutes of karate class, 45 minutes of cardio kickboxing and a 45 minute lesson in sparring. it was my first time sparring. i enjoyed it. alot. i like to think i didnt suck too baddly but mike was probably going easy on me (what with me being a foot shorter and two belts bellow him). in fact, the entire evenning was enjoyable. i am very relaxed and happy despite not having anything in particular to be happy about. alex said this was my substitute for not having any kind of relationship in my life. i suppose it is.

and its a damn good one.

PS

i think my mom is tipsy.

dormant memories? try: they just taste yummy...

one advantage to having an infant cousin your mother is crazy about: she buys animal cookies.


they are very yummy.


and now i must take the dog out.


COCKTAILS FOR ALL!!!!

its official...

... the goverment doesnt want me to drive.

although, who can blame them? but they could at least let me TRY...


whats the difference between a statement of live birth and a birth certificate?


my learner's permit, thats what.

my overactive imagination.

the odd noises in my house are scaring the hell out of me. i could of sworn i heard repeated crashing. im not a supersticious person. i dont believe in ghosts. i do however believe in burglers and rapists.


i found out i have to write my learner's test tomorrow morning...


uh...


help?

we have an asstray from casablanca.... go figure.

so this is a bad idea.
me drinking caffeine to stay up and write an essay that is grossly overdue (and i lied and told my mom it was due tomorrow). its actually almost done. 2 paragraphs including the conclusion.

the bad thing: less sleep and the detriment it will have on my back. i know iv been complaining alot about it lately and im being a wuss and all but gawd.... its a pain in the ass. the only time it doesnt hurt is during and right after karate an in the morning. by about noon it starts to get sore again. right now, sitting is a chore.

but enough about me... what about you?

...

...
...

strong silent type eh? thats okay, ill do the talking.

so im a hundred percent independent now... maybe ill stick with it for a whole this time (because i have so much choice in the matter...)

ive been reading alot of online comics lately. alot of them are not your typical "ha-ha" funny ones, but more like graphic novels. to tell you the truth its inspired me to illustrate something, like a short story. there are two problems with this. one, im not sure how good/commited i would be at it and i dont have any story ideas nor am i good at writing them. so i asked viki. hopefully she'll pull something through... and give me artistic liscency... right vik? right??

we'll see.

you know... its funny. people always comment on the posts you dont particularly care about and ignore the ones you really wish someone would give you feedback on...

i wish i could lie down...

my new favorite quote...

"of course it could have all turned out differently.... but, it didnt"

its from the movie Mansfield Park. actually, i thought it was a pretty good movie for no real particular reason...

well i must admit....

after 45 minutes of working myself close to exhaustion and hitting things as hard as i can, i feel MUCH better.


and i bid the world a sound screw off, im doing fine without you :P

for the record.

i dont believe in sparing someone's feelings. i believe in not leading them on and with that goes honnesty. making yourself unhappy to make someone else happy under false pretenses is not my idea of doing the right thing. as a matter of fact, it is my firm belief that by leading them on you are taking the easy way out. confusion and the feeling of not knowing whats going on because of lack of knowledge is one of the worst feelings in the world. getting things over with is much preferable in my opinion. it is not the business of others to decide what i can and cannot take in the manner of hurt. it is their business to be honnest. it is a different matter to reign in ones actions to not hurt someone indirectly. but of course you can only sensure your actiosn for the comfort of others to a certain extent. this "i am sacrificing myself for your happiness..." i dont buy it. anyways, this is a matter i feel very strongly about. i havent always gone by this and i feel much more guilt over not being completly honnest then sparing someone guilt and i vowed to never do it again no matter how hard it is. i dont want my happiness or the happiness of others to come at the cost of ingorance and happiness does not come in the form of being kept in the dark about matters you care about. these are my firm beliefs and i am ready to fight for them.
actually i think im just ready to fight.


man im glad i have karate tonight


oh, and another thing. if i have something to tell, i will tell you. if i avoid the question, its not because im trying to insult you, its just because... i just dont want to talk about it then. i will when i am comfortable with talking about it. im not angry about this one just.... pointing it out for the record.

but the other one i still feel like hitting things for.
yay for karate...


and yesterday's post? hoo-boy... am i angsty or what? feel free to ignore that one.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACQUI!!! <--the not-so-formal birthday wish

first order of business is:

Jacqueline Beverly Mitchel (holy crap i cant even remember if i spelt that all right, this is a sad state of affairs gang...)

i would like to formally welcome you into the world of being 18...
... its pretty much the same as 17 but youre expected to have more fun. i havent quite figured it out yet myself.
happy birthday deary. i will make the treck down soon. promise.


i started writing this friday afternoon and never finished it then. i have a lot of things to gab about but ill get this out of the way first:

there's some background behind this one. for whatever reason memories from grade 7 and 8 keep comming back to mind recently and none of them are very pleasant. i came across this quiz while aimlessly surfing the web whole avoiding my increasingly disastrously late esaay. i figured... ive been either waiting to talk about this or never think about it again so... lets try one and see how it goes, shall we?

Seventh Grade
What were you like: quiet, shy, dorky... i was trying desperatly to fit in, all the while failing miserably. i tagged along with friends i'd had forever (see... pre kindergarden maybe) all the while suspecting they didnt quite like me.
What was your favorite class: knowing me... probably gym. or english class... i had like an 97 average in that class. sooooo easy.
Who were your best friends: heh... technically.. Vicky, Steph, Annick.... i think thats about it...
Who did you have a crush on: a guy named Michael (not pronounced the enlish way)and probably some other people i cant remember
Something random: i am a big fan of the middle school system mostly because i never atended it. imagine me even smaller and more childish looking in a school from grades 7 to 11. i had people pointing and saying things like... AWWW... so cute! didnt do much for the self esteem when i just really wanted to blend in and be "cool".

Eighth Grade
What were you like: about the same as grade 7 except i was starting to realise my friends didnt really like me so i was even quieter... sort of resentful that i hung out with such terrible people because i had no one to hang out with.
What was your favorite class: for a while maybe history... maybe gym... cant really remember
Who were your best friends: lets see... there was vicky and julie to start off with until they "broke up" with me. (ie told me to stop hanging out with them) then is was steph and annick until i found out through some other source that they were trying to get rid of me (after they SWORE to me they werent) so after that i mainly kept my own company. spent alot of time reading.
Who did you have a crush on: a guy named Alexandre. yeah... creepy i know.
Something random: the year i cut my hair real short... the first and only time i can say i have experienced first hand "bullying". not physically, just verbal abuse from some idiot guys. some people say they dislike the fake friendly way in which the "popular" people talk to them. i say its better than them trying to humiliate you.

Ninth Grade
What were you like: dragging on the coattails of my wonderful cousin jasmine until jacqui took me under her wing. finally starting to get over my conviction that no one would ever like me. still quiet and shy around new people but able to express myself more freely. i think i started doing improv around here which was a big step for me.
What was your favorite class: drama and art.
Who were your best friends: jasmine (funny since we've only just started being close i still considered her a close friend back then), jacqui and later on in the year viki
Who did you have a crush on? well this is embarrassing.. scott and sebastien button. in my own defense they were really the only two guys who spoke to me. they were VERY brief.
Something random: jacqui was the first person to laugh at things i said and it took me awhile to figure out that it was genuine and not just humouring me. oh, also this is the year i switched from the french school to philemon. possibly the best decision ive ever made in my life. not ONCE have i regretted it even for a second.

Tenth Grade
What were you like? started to develop more self confidence, more improv, started having my own taste in music, more trust in people although still not complete.
What was your favorite class: art and gym
Who were your best friends: jacqui, viki, sean, pat, later on in the year alex gebethner
Who did you have a crush on? well... i went out with sean from... october to february (you can do the mental math, i dont feel like it) and thats about it i think... oh. alex g. near the very end of the year
Something random: i help out alot with the school musical the sound of music. that was fun... the first time i was even remotely physically comfortable with myself in any way. i blame sean.

Eleventh Grade
What were you like: i now have my own taste in music, clothes, a fuller sense of me really. i almost fully trust people now. your typical science kid cramming for a test on break, having mental breakdowns after failing yet ANOTHER math test and hanging out with friends on the weekend. nothing too remarkable.
What was your favorite class:art. probably the ONLY class i enjoyed (after maybe sometimes english)... you'd think i would have figured out the whole program thing sooner, eh?
Who were your best friends: viki, jacqui, sean, pat, alex g (for the begenning of the year), alex wolski, alex c.... i had alot of friends this year. there are plenty more that were very close
Who did you have a crush on? hehheh... alex, alex and alex. i really like that name apparently...
Something random: the year my "love life" took a turn for the ... uh... interesting? and has stuck on that path with few deviations ever since. sean went to england... i joined the volleyball team... the flag football team... yup.


okay, so now that i have THAT out of the way, i cant talk about something a bit more interesting... actually its funny to think that i have gone from nerdy, shy bookworm to.. well.. this.

i dont know who the hell im kidding by thinking i might be different from every one else, because i sure as hell aint fooled. there is nothing special about me. at all. i am just like everyone else who i think are not all that remarkable. its very sobbering.

alex's party last night. no comment. ok, i wont lie, i had fun but... yeah...
ugh.

i realised im the drunk that annoys every one. loud and stupid. sigh... im not sure that alex had all that much fun which... well it sucks. i wanted to give him a more proper goodbye, thank him for inviting me and appolagizing for being so annoyingly stupid last night. but all i got in was a wave... so.. you got that buddy?
it reminded me why i didnt have a birthday party.

on the plus side, no one threw up, right? i mean, how often does that happen?

gah. you know, you try and try to convince yourself of something but you know what your real emotions in a knee jerk reaction. then you know what you really want. and then you kick yourself because its not supposed to be what you want.

heh, i enjoyed speaking with creegan. i mean, i always knew who she was but we never really spoke. she expressed surprise at seeing me "like this" and said she liked it. she's a cool girl. as comfortable as i was speaking with her i still feel... like the little kid trying to catch the attention of the cool girl. enh well...

sleeping on the floor killed my neck despite the camping air mattress.

this is one of those instances that no matter how much ive writen here there is so much more i wish i could talk about but... just cant bring myself to do it. so in order to stop myself from throwing in some more useless filler instead, ill just sign off here.


.

muahahahah

ive taken over the student association computer!!!
and as such, ie also taken control of the music. HA.


rot in hell student council!!

i skipped second half of english. i kind of feel guilty.... kind of.

mmm.... jaluka. 5 points to whoever can tell me what jaluka is.

mike looks realy funny when he's bewildered.

Ilya talks really fast and he gave me a link to his site... here it is!

http://www.theilyaexperience.qc.tc/

this one's for you micheal..

my dad bought an ipod...

its so we can play music in the house. there is some complictaed (or not so complicated) reasonining behind it all but im tired and i dont think you care.
the rest of this will be point form as it comes to me.

i told him to buy me one too but he didnt. what a jerk.



i worked today, it was hella busy.

my there's a sharp pain in my neck.

i didnt get my yellow belt today, its a long story.

i really wanted some sort of contact tonight, but didnt get it.

got my fortune told, it confirmed that i am, indeed "independent" (by that i mean alone)

also am a big fucking white pearl.

i have to work tomorrow

wish i had something to look forward to. the best thing i can think if right now for tomorrow is the fact that my mom will probably make a good supper since it'll be sunday.

i want a new job

i want one now.

i want my homework to go away. or at least the essay to go away. i want to do the other stuff, i just wish i had more time for it.

im having flashbacks of being in grade 7 again, when i was a joke to most people. i was a pushover...

i want to stop thinking about that.

i want to shave my head.

i want to stop being all talk.





i want to go to bed.

stupid freakin' dream messing with the "im not alone, im independent" resolution...


*shakes fist*

of dog bites and fruit flies

as the title implies, the dog bit me and we have fruit flies. alot of them.

the dog bite was my fault really... i was trying to cut some matted fur away from his ummm... *cough* special area and i guess i was pulling a little. i didnt mean to, a swear. i should have got the message when he snarled and tried to bite me the first few times. and then he actually bit me. it hurt at the time but now its just this hard little blue bump on my finger. according to my mom he hit a vein. *shrugs*


and there is a fruit fly infestation in our kitchen. i think its funny. big expensive kitchen under attack from the forces of nature. my mom is less amused. we have little traps hidden among the fruit. somehow i think that just still having the fruit out is doing more harm than the good they are doing as bait. i think my mother is comming to the same comclusion. in short, my kitchen is still ghetto, so there.



in closing i would like to point out that i now have super cool earings thanks to viki.

forever in her debt *bows*

"thats no fun, eh?"

my dad's words of sympathy upon hearing i was ill today. we arent big on the whole "feelings" bit in my family. it works for us.


so.

i decided to step up. im not going to do the whole self pity thing anymore. or at least, i dont want to and will try my darndest not to. im going to rely on me for support. when it comes right down to it, you are the person you spend the most time with so you'd better be able to lean on you. im not going to go around life with the starry eyes, looking for something i wont find. life is spectacular for the little things, not the romantic junk they spew out at you in hollywood, not for that "one" love that will make or break you for the rest of your days. uh huh... nah... not for me. i dress for me, i act for me and i eat for me. of course, most of tose last statements are lies. but... i dont want to change so another person will think better of me. okay... im trailing off...

point is, im fine alone. i want to be self-sufficient. friends are good. you need friends. what you dont need is to be mooning after that ever elusive relationship-thing. dont need it.


i prefer to think of it not so much as alone, as independent.

Terrible TV.

some craptackular daytime tv is on. the main character said something all brave like "you can decide if i live or not but only I can choose to kill"

fine. you lose, your friends die, you win, they live.

gee, i dont know about you but doesnt that seem a little predictable?

this chair is broken and hurts my back alot. all i want to do tonight is curl up in a little ball and watch a movie. maybe tv will suffice.


i really want to do well this year. and i actually am putting time into it too.

weird.


i cant write anymore.

aint love grand?

lets see... in the past two days my mom has made me cry twice.


congratulations mom, i dont think anyone else in the world has that claim to fame.

well aint this cosy

good food in stomach, pulp fiction on tele, family, wine and comfy couches.







two lines stuck in my head lately

"she could sex ya but she sure wern't pretty"
and
"working hard at not working"

both courtesy of design principles and Mark Molnar.
man... i hope i did well on that project.


anywho... back to the family-ing

OH NO! not the OC! *insert sarcasm here*

12 hour sleep... woot woot...

we saw Saw last night. in case i hadnt said it enough, i dont LIKE scary movies. some people enjoy being scared, i do not. unless i have some cute boy to cling to... even then, its not the scaring part that i enjoy but the clinging. wow, do I ever sound like a ditz. anyways, the movie scared the crap out of me because im a big baby. but it was okay though because besides from nigel, laura, kurt, mike, viki and i there was only an old couple in the theatre who didnt seem to mind out antics. at times we were all laughing at the terrible acting/script or both at once with wonderful lines such as "I want to LIVE!!!!!"

heh...

its very windy out. it looks like today should be holloween. but it isnt. oh well.

one day i will learn the subtle art of not letting what i think other people are feeling about me affect whatever it is i am doing at the time. its incredibly pointless and self destructive. i am only glad that i didnt let my retarded "feelings" get in the way of the rest of my night. i mean christ... sometimes i wonder if caring at all is even worth it. maybe ill just buy a boat and sail away into the sunset... then die in a horrible boating accident because i dont know dick about boating. wouldnt that be fun? apparently the OC season premiere has come and gone. ill admit, ive watched and enjoyed the show. but i am by no means a religious fan. like i said, i have no idea when the season premiere was and am only experiencing vague regret to having missed it. now i need to figure out what to do today until tonight... essay would be the intelligent choice and, as such, the immeiate write off.

off to... doing nothing...

two in one day...

... im on a roll...

The \\
Last Cigarette:	umm.... grade 8.... it was a one time deal.
Last Alcoholic Drink:	that sweet ass rev stuff
Last Car Ride:	last night, pat drove me home from coffee house
Last Kiss:	on the lips? heh... pass.
Last Good Cry:	i cried while watching a stupid movie this morning
Last Library Book:	not a clue...
Last book bought:	Exile's Honour (i think) and Trickster's Queen
Last Book Read:	Grapes of Wrath
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	I <3 huckabees
Last Movie Rented:	my mom rented Man On Fire, does that count?
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	i dont know
Last Beverage Drank:	peach nectar
Last Food Consumed:	begek (holy crap i dont know how to spell it...) with jelly
Last Crush:	if you dont already know then you dont need to know
Last Phone Call:	i called my mom last night on a cell phone
Last TV Show Watched:	honnestly cant remember... its been over a week.
Last Time Showered:	yesterday morning
Last Shoes Worn:	my brown leather ones
Last CD Played:	Smashing Pumpkins -siamese dream
Last Item Bought:	a caramel kit-kat bar
Last Download:	alex downloaded some celtic punk on my computer for me a while back...
Last Annoyance:	indecision
Last Disappointment:	related to the previous question
Last Soda Drank:	sprite, at work
Last Thing Written:	my blog entry
Last Key Used:	before this survey or before this entry?
Last Words Spoken:	"bye" probably
Last Sleep:	last night?
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	neapolitan
Last Chair Sat In:	other than this broken office chair? the orange couch
Last Webpage Visited:	http://www.fallencomic.com/index.html
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

silly stuff

i usually dont post these game things everyone else does because im lazy. and today is no exception. except for this one exception...

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?:
04. Do you (or did you ever) have a crush on me?:
05. Would you kiss me?:
06. Describe me in one word:
07. What was your first impression?:
08. Do you still think that way about me now?:
09. What reminds you of me?:
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
11. How well do you know me?:
12. When's the last time you saw me?:
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:
14. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?


its dumb, i know. anwser or dont, i dont really care. you can even skip or bullshit questions... in fact, i encourage it!!!

okay, already too much time given to this...

somethings are beautiful and some things are not.

coffee shop was awesome.

the guitar is a beautiful instrument and it did not bother me to listen to it again and again. (see *a guide to emily -a list of things im a sucker for*). then the laughing... oh the laughing. kurt, abe... you guys rock my world. tom... not so much.


i got to sketch alot. most of the sketches do no look like who they should. my consolation is that my models were always moving and i only have about 5 minutes to do each. oh well, i can only get better, right?

eeek... i will pay for the night of fun with the hours and hours of homework i have tomorrow. the pain, the pain.

speaking of pain... when does it stop being worth it? im not talking about life. for me, life will always be worth while there still is blue skies on a fall afternoon and fireplaces on cold winter night and rooftops on sunny summer days. little bit of a tangent there... my point is... there's a breaking point for everyone. eventually you snap and spew a little. have you ever convinced yourself that you dont need the approval of others, and that you in fact, enjoy alienating them? I have. but then ill have one of those nights and feel terribly out of place and feel pretty damn crappy as a result. and if you thought about it, the events taking place around you would normally make you happy but not today, today you care about what the people think. and then... you pull in and go back to being invisible. the default setting is always simply. not always interesting but not alienating. push that button and go splat said the tiger.


there is one thing in the world i think almost every person i have ever met is guitly of. music-ism. that is, judging others on their taste in music. i do it too even though i try not to, a popular one to bite into is what is commonly reffered to as 'emo'. now i will be the first to admit that there is little point to emo. truth is, i dont really care. i cant hear the lyrics anyways, i just like the way it sounds. does it make me a bad person because i listen to pointless music? i like to think not. does it make person x a bad person because they wear the "emo paraphanalia'?i doubt it. just like does it mean that the girl who listens to hip hop is materialistic, of make the rapper guy dumber, or make the one with the well rounded tastes a well rounded, good person? no. it does not. music doesnt make a person. people listen to whatever makes them happiest and has nothing to do with how good of a person they are. i cannot stand it when people point out someone wearing a certain style associated with a certain type of music and proceed to mock them because of said style or said taste in music. it doesnt make sense. its music, not personality. if you listen to a certain type of music than i do or listen to a wider variaty than i do, it doesnt make you better, it just makes you a different person. and we all know how much we all hate individuality.... either way, its all just another way to ego-stroke ourselves.


anywho, thats just a pet peeve among others.



well... its bed time for the ole emster.

sometime the human race just boggles my mind.

my shoulders ache, my feet are blistered, i smell like smoke and my ears are ringing...

... and yet a had a good night.

i didnt think i would... everyone knows eachother and are just there to either get drunk of get some. i wanted neither. eventually i was dragged onto the dance floor. the good music came on and at first i was kind of self conscious, i mean, there were very few people dancing and i wasnt sure what people would think of me. im not the dancing type, see? but then... i just got into it. and i didnt care. i didnt care if people were staring, if i was making an idiot of myself. i danced and danced and just went with the music. all the girls around me were doing their little "oh look, im sexy and easy" dance and just looked so desperate. no one seemed to be really just... having fun. so thats what i did. i had fun. i jumped, i swung my head around, waved my arms and just generally shook ma booty like a fool and lost myself in the strobe lights, colours and insanely loud music. eventuallly they stopped playing anything good and i could only ignore the fact that i was dancing to crap on a stick in music form for so long. so i stoppped. no one tried to dance with me, and thats fine. why the hell would i want some guy pawing all over me while im having fun? i dont know, personnally i was sweaty and gross, last thing i want is some horny guy touching me. (not that id want him touching me in the first place). anywho, i just wish i could go someplace a dance to stuff like... sweet home alabama and thriller and other such good dancing tunes all night. even some sort of techno would work better. if this is what a rave is like, then sign me up.

i want to throw up.

im, as the term goes, worried sick.

i feel like throwing up, im tense as all hell and i think my hands are almost shaking.


and its not even happening to me.


i dont know what to do...

my keeeeeraaazy kitchen.

i missed my bus again this morning, i blame the kitchen. or my mother. or both.

i had about 5 minutes to make my lunch this morning. easy thinks I. ill just grab some leftover lasagna. easier said than done. to bring lasagna to school one cannot simply stuff it in one's pocket. one needs a fine invention such as tupperware. now the kitchen contain no less than 36 cupboards. i shit you not, this probably isnt that big of a exageration. only my mother knows where things are. partially because of the sheer amount of possibilies and partially because my mother keeps MOVING THINGS. i could have sworn i saw the tuperware in one drawer yesterday but loe and behold, today the same drawer held pots and pans. so as i frantically openned and closed everything with a handle within reach i asked my father if HE had any idea whereshe would have stashed them. he laughed. go knows. he said it was probably in some storage place we never even knew we had. he was right. i finally found it and my father admitted that he never even had considered looking there. oh, and where was my mother in all of this? sleeping, it was 6:50 am. (this probably didnt help matters)

when we first started installing things in the kitchen, my father and i joked about making a map. it doesnt seem like such a joke anymore...

i dont know... its hard to NOT like the kitchen, its basically designer perfect. its all just seems a little much for our run-of-the-mill suburban home. enh, what do i know... im not paying for it, right?


i wish i could be a stand up comic. it would be fun. except im not really funny. at least not stand-up-comic funny... more like walk-into-a-wall-and-everyone-laughs-at-you funny.


on the plus side, i probably didnt fail history of art.

thumbes up, right?

*squint*

i am very very tired. i suppose 3-4 hours sleep/karate while hungover will do that to a gal. i had alot of fun last night, hope to do so again soon. things ive learn that are hilarious when you are drunk: nigel, and mario party. imagine my dissapointment playing th game today. waaaaaay less fun.

i like to think im not a demanding person. i like to think i dont overreact to things. but when person assures you they will get in touch with you to confirm (or perhaps cancel) plans, i like to think the decent thing to do, would be to actually follow up on those assurances. especially when feelings are involved with said person. in light of all this, id like to think that i am slightly justified in being a tad annoyed.

just a tad.


i just want to go home and go to bed. then tomorrow, i just want to do nothing... but what are the odds of that happening, what with work having to be attended and all... i hope i start at 12... otherwise.... ill be going in at the wrong time. i hate closing. its so.... annoying. 12-5:30 i will be doing a job i hate for next to no money.


joy.



but life is unpleasant. i wish i could make it less so for other people. they really do deserve it....

hello blog, how are you?

ive been... well. thank you for asking.

i felt i needed to take a short somewhat introspective break from my friendly neighbourhood blog. or at least from serious posts. im trying to learn from myself, or learn about myself. its sounds cliche but im trying to figure out who i am. enh well...


so far ive come up with this: im bipolar. not very encouraging but we'll see. one day ill feel... almost on top of the world. like im walking through it and seing it all through wonderfully fresh eyes and its just all so big and i want to lose myself in it and see everything with open eyes. the very next day i will see this very large world and feel completely isolated from it and very alone. it honnestly changes from day to day. today was... okay. it was a mix of both. i felt nauseous all day, i couldnt eat my lunch. my solution? eat nachos when i get home. smart emily, smart.

last night i was on the bus home at about 9-ish. i was reading the adventures of hucklebery finn. we were about at the park-o-bus part of the trip when a man, sitting behind me, leans over and asks loudly "what the fuck kind of language is that?". now, it just so happens that this man was black and huckleberry finn contains alot of liberal use of that hated "N" word. so i thought he was going to give me a hard time about it. but no, he had just noticed the odd dialect used. he was quite drunk i think, my nose isnt very good but think i could smell beer on his breath. he struck up a "conversation" with me (i could only catch about half of it, the rest was incohearent mumbling). i didnt want to anger the drunk man especially since i had about another 30 minutes on the bus and i didnt want them to be spent talking down a raging drunk guy. so i was pleasant, smiled, and litenned to whatever it was he had to say. im still not sure if it was the right choice, but im not sure what esle i could have done. anyways, long story short, advances were made (to go out for coffee sometime), then gently rejected and he kept asking why? followed by "please?" and it was all very upseting in general. eventually my bus stop came and i had to get off and i told him so. he asked when he would see me again (i was standing at the door at this point). there had been talking on the bus before that and i was aware that everyone had stoped their conversations and were staring at us. it was very quiet. i just shrugged with an appologetic smile and made my retreat. as i jumped from the bus and hurried away i had one thought in my mind "dont follow me off, dont follow me off.."

he didnt.

i was still on edge the entire 10 minute walk home in the dark.

the entire situation just kind of... freaked me out. i dont know if there was a better way to handle the situation. i suppose i could have given the guy a fake number...

anyways, these are the type of things that happen that just widden my eyes on the world. everyone has this 'superman' feeling. like... oh, that would never happen to me. or if it did, i would be able to get away. and even though i know this, i still am convinced that had the guy followed me off the bus i WOULD have been able to get away (i had a plan all worked out). probably nothing WOULD have happened but you have to wonder just what exactly has to happen before you lose this feeling of 'untouchableness'.

food for thought is all...



we watched a movie in class today. it was about an artist, spencer was his first name, and one of his projects. he travelled across the states taking nude photos of people in urban settings. the pictures were quite beautiful and more movie than you would expect. the movie followed him throughout his travels and interviewed a few of his models. the word they all kept using was "liberating". not one of them had any regrets afterwards. these were all just regular people he asked in the street. one of the models, a 65 year old man, said something along the lines that when you are naked you are at your most anonymous, your most nondescript. anyways, the whole idea of the project was ... i dont know... moving. well, as movie as anything can be at 8 in the morning on a monday.

im in the art program. i think i could pull the whole thing off technically. but artistically... i dont think i have any vision. i dont have a message to tell the world...i dont have anything to insipire in the world. i want to touch someone, or even better, someones.
i just have nothing to touch them with....

viki, i am going to kill you.

you still have my paint biznatch!@!$*(YR)(%_)*$)(&#(*@&$_(%Q)(_*



well then... no homework for me...

oh the injustice, the terrible injustice...

all this thanksgiving food leftovers and no microwave to heat it with...


WHY???

a guide to emily

ive realised that a have a certain... weakness for some things. so without further ado, 10 things that i am a sucker for (in no particular order):

1. violin music
2. acoustic/guitar (strumming more specifically)
3. pencil sketches
4. moonlit romances (as corny as it is..)
5. compliments (yes, i know im sad)
6. horror movies. as in... im afraid of them. any person taking me to any sort of scary movie should be prepared to have me cling all over them.
(i should have thought this one through... im running out..)
7. oh, sunny days. and cool breezes. at the same time.
8. food. i like eating it and cannot go hungry very long without impulsively buying food.
9. KITTIES and PUPPIES!!!!
10. competition. as soon as its competitive, im hooked.


there. thats what i could come up with at quarter to 12 on a thursday night.


oh, and tyler: it was a Wacom graphics tablet.
i am a spoiled brat.

my travelling present.

my parents got me a birthday present. what is it you may ask? i dont know. it hasnt arrived yet. its in the mail. earlier today it was in concord ontario. later... lachine (if thats how its spelled), quebec. tomorrow... Saskatchewan.

oh and a little rant about stupid businesses... when someone orders something and you say "we'll call you when it arrives", here's a good business tip... ACTUALLY CALL.


i damn equally both ottawa U and Wallack's. damn you! *shakes fist*

and the girl cried.

fuck self pity.

i could do that if i had something to be self pitying about.
but i dont.

so fuck it.

if you all walk away now, i dont blame you.

its my party so i can cry if i want to.

for those of you who dont know, thats from a song. and no, im not even having a party.

i found something i wrote almost a year ago. in fact, it will be exactly a year ago in ... 5 hours and 10 minutes.

Saturday, October 04, 2003
hey hey
happy birthday to meeeee...
i just noticed from my other post that it's technically saturday.so it's technically my birthday.

soooo.... yeah

happy birthday to meeee
i belong in a zoo
I look like a monkey
and i smell like one too.

i meant didnt. i DONT look like a monkey. or smell like one. NOR do i belong in a zoo


those are all typos



i swear




i like spaces




they amuse me








alot

posted by em at 1:40 AM

so that was the me when i turned 17.

this brings up another point... ive had this blog for over a year now. crazy, non? imagine all the hours, all the thoughts, all the pains, all the happy moments poured into this thing. thats over an entire year of fairly regular posting. and its all in one spot. all i can say is that id be one unhappy camper if blogger suddenly decided to erase all this. enh well...


today i treated my self to a birthday present to me.


happy birthday to me...

i bought shoes


happy birthday to me...

really really cool shoes


happy birthday, happy birthday...

i mean come on, they're ORANGE


happy birthday to me.

okay so technically its not til tomorrow.

so sue me.

"Things are turning up Millhouse!"

im at viki's. she's talking to mike and has been for awhile so i says to mabel i says... mr computer will keep me company. we were doing homework, funky no?


** i wrote that last night.
yeah...
i should have stayed home and watched movies.
its the morning now and i really want to talk to someone, anyone but no one is around. apparently 8 is too early for us folk on a sunday. enh... the dog is barking. i should probably shut him up... i feel so lazy, i dont want to go to work today. buuuuut... i have to. 12 to 5... at least its only five hours... plus close... damn you close...

bleh.

i tried, i really did...

i have this essay due tomorrow. 7 paragraphs. 6 1/2 down, 2 1/2 to go. plus some major editing. like... REALLY major. i told myself i wouldnt go to bed before i finished the rough draft but what i was writing stopped making sense and my eyes are narrowed to tiny slits. the sad thing is that its not even all that late...

maybe if i go to bed it'll magically write itself.
















*crosses fingers*

its all very humbling....

... and thats a good thing. i think it was about time.


im supposed to write an essay on Maggie: A Girl of the Streets, an incredibly depressing story but quite good. i enjoyed it but i dont know if i can think up 5 body paragraphs for it. geh.

its my birthday on monday. wee. 18...


im reading this book i bought on impusle at chapters. to be honnest, i was originally attracted by the cover. the story didnt seem to bad but i mostly like the cover. yeah, i know, im materialistic and shallow. so sue me. anyway, the book started out slowly and it was pretty damn sucky. then it sort of picked up. im rather... attached to it now. it has all these great tension scenes and you really just want to know what happens next. of course, its just some stupid over the top teen drama but hey.... like i said, so sue me.

back to the title... lately ive been feeling like everything is out there to humble me. or bring my feet back on the ground. i guess its a good thing. im feeling more... "normal". which means not really normal at all. just something to make my life just different enough for me to be more or less comfortable in it. i wouldnt say im happy, nor unhappy. just now i have something to qripe about... sort of. anyways, it grounds me.

ive been having these odd dreams alot as of late. they start out normal enough, some of them are even pleasant. then they end up being really creapy and messed up. i wonder what my brain is trying to tell me... i dont think dreams can tell you anything about the outside world but can tell you (in some inderect and messed up way) about yourself internally. so i wonder what its trying to say....


emily, this is your brain speaking. get a life.

blleaurrrrgh...

i feel like something crawled into my mouth and died. i just woke up from a two hours nap to an empty house. i dont know where my family is. the car is gone. there's also a note saying "viki called". i dont know how long its been there.... an hour? a day? a week? who knows...


and i re-read last nights post, the long one. what a load of whinney angst.... sheesh... feel free to ignore, thats what im doing.

my stomach is being stubborn....

so as it turns out, im not quite ready to log off yet, despite the fact that i could definitely use sleep. i really dont want to go to bed. i want to sleep, but i dont want to go to bed. everyone is busy. either doing what has to be done or talking to people they can relate to or doing something they enjoy. i have no one i can relate to and talk to. at least not here.... at least i dont think so... i supposed i could draw but it would probably be shit. (hey, no different from normal, right?). i must thank alex. at some point i was wavering on wether to drink some more or not and he convinced me not to. he was right. im just fine. the last thing i need is to be another one of those semi conscious puking drunk people that seem to pop up like magic at parties. ill just entertain myself on this nice little computer.

i wish i had my someone. you know what im talking about... that fictional someone who will just be there for me and who i WANT to be there for them. thats the trick. i need someone i care equally for. bleh. im just rambling now. no one cares about this, not even me.

earlier today we were talking about how annoying people were when they went on and on about how drunk they were and insisted on recounting just how much they had in fact consumed. tonight im trying to figure out if the one trying to convince you that they are, in fact not very drunk is more or less annoying. so far, id have to say more. or maybe its just the person and not necessarily the actions. but i cant say that, im suppose to be nice to him. someone told me this early on in the night, cant remember who... its been rather difficult since ... well... i dont know why.... im a mean person? meh... dont care anymore.


people sometimes annoy me, sometimes make me very happy. who knows anymore, who cares.



*NOTE* not responsible for anything i have writen in here tomorrow morning. i know i just wrote it but i already forget so... bleh to you.

emily is now drunk.

but does not have AP. unlike some people... she thinks this is a good thing. she was having fun and sorta still is but not really. wished people knew their limits. hopes tomorrow will be different. realises it is very early.

wants to go to bed.

needs a hug.

i am so lame...

i was bored and afraid of my homework so i updated my msn profile.

about time too...

too much thinky...

i need to go out and do something that requires no thinking. just going crazy and having fun.

this weekend should be good for that. sugar bender followed by stress free drinking with the old "gang". we havent done that in a while.. should be cool.

i had a perfect ending to a boring day. driving in a car so loud that it allows no conversation really fast down a highway with the windows open and the sun in the face. not to mention the rockin tunes. it was very cool.

very cool indeed

in your FACE stupid study.

em = one happy camper.



so there.

if this aint funny, i dont know what is.

i was reading the newspaper today when i came accross something highly amusing. im sure you'll agree.

a study has shown that people who keep journals are in general less happy than people who dont. they dont know if its because unhappy people are more likely to keep journals or if its because journals makes you unhappy, thats the next step in the study.

i just think its funny in our age of blogs/livejournals.

no wonder we are the angst generation.

damn you blogger, damn you to hell!! *shakes fist*

i wrote a very bitter post about how my last comment about changing perspectives on life was a load of artistic bull... i wrote a bunch of other bitter stuff which i cant remember.





erasing my bitter blog made me even more bitter... at least now i have someone to talk to though... so i guess im less bitter...

5 bloody minutes.

my father cant even wait that long for me.
now, i shall be god knows how late.




what a great start to a monday morning.

sunshine.

i took the dog for a walk today.

it started out looking like my most productive accomplishment of the day would be doing the dishes. the i talk to pat and he told me he went hiking. at this point i looked around my dark basemen to my sunny backyard and thought... this is ridiculous. so i got dressed (yup, hadnt even done that yet) and headed out with the old nickster.

it was so amazingly beautiful out... i managed to find some of the little woods left near my place and it took some looking to find. but in the end, it was worth it. it was that time of day where everywhere there were soft shadows dotted with bright splashes of light. it was a simple feild of weeds and nondescript bushes but i just wanted to share it with the world. i wished i had someone who would come out with me and love it just as much. in the end being alone in it all was just fine, but i still wish i had a camera. just... the colours. it wasnt even " breathtaking", it was just so nice in the fact that it was so simple. i cant explain it, ill just have to settle with "you had to be there."

your favorite season is up there with asking for your favorite colour or band. i could never figure out my favorite season until now. i dont have one ive realised, i just love the transition times. i love the first sunny days with a cool wind, walking by some trees with a cold nose and a warm coat. thats summer to fall. i love the first day of snow, the sound the snow makes when its falling on a winter night or even the way it looks in the sun when its fresh. thats from fall to winter. and i love the first really warm day, the first time you ride the bus home with the window open, seing the ice thaw and water running in streams for the first time in months. thats winter to spring. and last, i love the first long walk along the canal at ngiht wearing nothing but a t-shirt, or reading barefoot in the grass in my backyard or the first night to sleep with the window open over my head. thats spring to summer.
any one season gets long after awhile and when im in one i always want the other. the transition periods are what really make me happy or get me excited. all the things i was just talking about are actually things that remind me of those times. i always get a refreshing feeling of renewal right around now.
now im ready for a new outlook.

added peice

everyone's talking about it, everyone has an opinion...


you know whats funny? i think i may have had fun last night. does that make me a bad person, or a shallow one? this is, of course, before things went to shit. but i had fun. i saw all kinds of people i sorta knew in a completly new environment. it wasnt the drinking, it wasnt the people publicly embarrassing themselves or the overall desensitizing of the senses, but really just the chance to talk to all these new people, however breifly. i dont understand why though... in the past a situation like that would have been scared out of my mind of all the people and completly intimidated into a little corner on my own. it scary how much that has changed and how close i came to fitting in. does that make me one of "them" that everyone keeps talking about? ill have to think on that one... anyways, i need to catch up on the sleep i missed out on the other night.

things to say...

well... um... that was... different?

i was considering just not having a party for my 18th and after last night, im pretty much convinced not to.

another thing is, if you cant control your drinking, dont drink. and if someone is already drunk, dont shove a beer in her hands and start yelling "CHUG CHUG" because chances are, they dont know that they have had enough. actually, if when you start drinking, you repeat to yourself that you will not go past that point of "having fun" and go into that point of "not knowing how to stand", youre much less likely to go that far. its one thing if drinking yourself silly just meant you passed out in some out of the way place but thats not the case. people have to take care of you and pick up the mess your throwing up self made. not to mention make sure you dont die of FUCKING ALCOHOL POISONING!!!

another thing is, sometimes you want to help. but sometimes you have to realise that your presence is NOT necessarily needed, especially if you're drunk no matter how "okay" you think you are. you leaving graciously is one less thing to worry about, we dont need the swearing and the indignation. also, standing in the doorway, oggling and asking "is she okay?" is NOT helping. its being annoying. hmm, remind me to thank that red head girl whos name i dont remember and who i didnt really like. she was very good last night. but enough of that...



all i wanted for my cousins birthday was for her to have fun. and i know that didnt happen... i cant even start to say how bad i feel about that. if there was ever a person who deserved a night to let loose and not have a care in the world its her. the fates were not kind... have you ever wanted to help someone so baddly, just make them look at you and realise that things will be okay, that is almost hurt? i wish people in the world werent so stupid and knew when to back off. i wish i knew the anwser that would make things better. is it better to stay or to go? most of the time i dont know... i just wish things could have gone differently, alot differently. maybe tonight can make up for it.

on the plus side, i now know what to do if i suspect someone has alcohol poisoning...heh ... yeah, i know... thats a shitty plus side...

skirts are fun.

lately ive been thinking about some things ive written in here. and of some of the people who read this. people i really dont know and normally wouldnt tell them some of the stuff in here. a person who read this and didnt know me would think that im a really open person, which i dont really think i am. sometimes i wish i could just go back and erase everything from everyone's mind so they wouldnt know anything about me. or at least find out about them so its even.... or something...


just a thought.

a few things....

number one, sleeping 12 hours does wonders when you have a cold.

number two, we won a soccer game. we came in third in our pool of four teams in the finals this year which mean we are done for the year. our first two games we lost 6-0 (they end the game at a 6 point lead, a pity loss as jasmine calls it). so our third game, our numbers had dwindled to 9 (11 supposed to be on the feild) against a team we usually are about equal to on normal standards. we were all standing there, none of us even THINKING about winning, thinking, hey, who cares anymore? its our last game, lets just screw with our positions and play for the hell of it. after about 10 minutes, we had spent the entire time within shooting distance of THEIR net, i looked at my teamate and said "whats going on?" confusedly. she looked back and shrugged. the we score. 3 times. i still dont get it. but im not complaining.... oh, i should add, they only had 10 players. so they only had one more than we did.

number three, our "kitchen" (aka big empty room) now has hardwood floor.... yay?

number four, Happy Birthday Micheal!


and yeah... thats about it...











hey.... orangy...

my tummy's a rumblin'

tyler responded to my last post about dreams in her blog. unfortunatly, i was kinda going for the opposite.

i had a terrible dream (so i guess you'd call it a nightmare) and was feeling thouroughly freaked out, disgusted and just generally depressed about it. i could tell myself that the actual FACTS didnt happen, but the general feeling was still there. i suppose i could pull out some metaphorical crap about how that represents life or relationships or whatever if i was feeling particularly inspired but im not. ha.


sometimes you get to the point where you wonder why you hang out with a certain friend. but then comes a day where they can completly transfore the mood your in by simply being them. of course the same person can always change your mood for the worse but the trick is to find someone who does it positively more often than negatively.

ugh.is it a bad sign when you go to bed because you just dont feel like being awake? heh, thats sounds so emo and drama-queen ish.

thats me, the emo drama-queen

the irony of this statement is that just yesterday i was thinking about how i internalize my emotions. i generally dont show when im nervous. inside im a nervous wreck, but unless i consciously decide to show my dervousness... anyways, the reason i thought of this is because the other day i was driving down notch road with my mom (or rather, she was driving) at night. my mother hates driving at night because she says she has bad vision in the dark. now she was driving kind of fast and i was starting to wonder just HOW bad her vision was. i guess i was starting to get a little nervous. i noticed though that my hands werent clenched on the bottle in my hands, nor was i sitting up straight and starting at every jolt. i was slouched and slack as usual... i really didnt get it. at one point i almost convinced myself that we were going to run into a tree. but even at the last minute, i didnt say anything. so i got to thinking... if i WAS to get in a car crash, would i yell out at the last second? or would i just stare at the tree until i came crashing into it. how good would i be in a crisis situation? im not so sure. maybe the lack of emotion is more just me freezing up and not bein able to react with the situation around me. i can only remember a handful of occasions where i yelled out in real anger. and most of those times was because i felt the person need to know how i felt and not because i actually needed to yell. you guys wont care about this, but my riding teacher old me i was the only person asides from herself who could ride a specific horse in her barn. im by far not the best rider and i wont fool myself into thinking i am. it just that this horse is extremely high strung and tenses up when you do. half the trick to riding her is knowing how to keep her from freaking out and cantering away with you. i guess maybe thats why i can ride her... even though i may be freaked out that this horse is going WAY too fast, she cant physically feel it so SHE doesnt think there is something to be afraid of (to which the proper response would be run like the wind). anyways, this had nothing to do with anything and im sorry for wasting your time on it.

i guess sam spoke too soon when he said my blog was getting funnier and more interesting...

im glad its raining.

i feel like shit. not just physically either. and for no reason that i could tell you at all.

i know dreams arent real, but sometimes they can have an impact despite that.

i wish i didnt have to go to school...

ok so im annoying...

have you ever wanted to whine about something but know that you really have no right to whine about that and that in fact, you really have nothing to whine about at all? im kind of in that position. in fact, when i really think about it, there really isnt anything WRONG with my life. the only reason i want to whine is because then at least it would give me an excuse to feel sorry for myself. which i cant even do because there is nothign to feel sorry about. it would also give me something to think about. the truth of the matter is, there is nothing really going on in my life. at the moment i am surviving off of the events in other people's lives. but they are all busy people so more often then not, i end up by my lonesome. even here i cant be self pitying because i dont mind being alone (most of the time). the thing is, with all of this nothing going on and being alone alot, my life isnt terribly interesting. in fact, its rather boring. im not trying to look for sympathy because even i dont think i need it. ive seen other people get bored with their lives and as a result start to hate everyone for never changing. im not really angry though... i dont even mind people not changing. they seem happy enough, so where's the problem. like someone told me, i need to make changes in my OWN life. i cant make my happiness depend on the lifes of others... especially in a situation like this. right now im really just kind of in limbo. im doing okay. im just wondering how long i can last like this before it goes from bored to depressed. but i dont think it'll go that far, i wont let it get out of hand (famous last words).
im trying to not just sit back and wait for something to happen to shake things up. the idea is for me to make that happen. i dont quite know HOW, but thats another matter. even though i dont WANT to wait for it, i really wish i would just happen.

this sounds stupid but i like hanging out with guys. i like being the one girl with "the guys". ESPECIALLY when its with close friends and i dont get into this whole playing up to the "maybe" guy. if you dont get that part, i wont explain it. sigh... its sad, because its true. with guys i dont really know, in a small group situation, i will do that. as someone once told me, my vice is guys.

vice

A slight personal failing; a foible: the vice of untidiness.
A flaw or imperfection; a defect

its true, they are my weak spot. im terrible with dealing with them when things get serious. i will temporarily fall for most guys who show me the least bit of attention. its really quite pathetic. then i realise that i dont have real feelings for them other than friendship and am stuck with the situation of not wanting to hurt a friend. see? TERRIBLE.





gah, i need to go to bed before i make me hate myself... im already disgusted, lets not round it up to hate...

**i wrote that last night and was unable to post it because blogger has a personal vandetta against me. thats right, its PERSONAL. if i had written the post tonight it would have been a whole lot more bitter and angry. losing 6-0 to a bunch of cocky 15 year olds will do that to a girl. (its not so much the losing, its the fact that my little toe has more sportsmanship and decency than that entire team put together.)

bang bang BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!

now read that out loud into a megaphone for about 3 hours into someones ear and that person MIGHT get an idea of what my morning was like. sleeping in wasnt really all that worth it... i would have been better off going to school early. which is what im going to do anyways. ugh... this place is giving me a headache...



bang bang bang bang BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!

*cries*
it just wont stop...

that aint right...

i just spent the last 2? maybe 3? hours fixing my purse. my back, neck and hands hurt because of it. I did a shit job at it too :D


i reeeeeaaaally hate sewing.

french movies dont make sense... nor are they funny. okay, sometimes they are, just not this one.

its 12:30am and i just finished my multiple perspectives drawing of a chair, and let me say, with complete modesty, that it ROCKS. like.. alot. at least, i like it. and for some reason, the drawings i like most, people tend to not like as much. oh well. anyways, its late, my jaw hurts and wont close and i need to go to bed.

and alex, yes, i DO blame you.

i wish i could see the stars...

i just watched a report on cbc news. they interviewed member of a family linked to osama bin laden. the son had severed his ties with family. the mother and her daughter (both covered head to foot with a narrow gap for the eyes) were also interviewed. i watched as they rationalized sept. 11th. oh, they agreed that it was terrible that inocents had to die, but to them it was just collateral. it is something incredibly odd and frightning to watch, someone who sympathises and respects the people who did it.

i dont know guys... to me, the world just got a little crazier.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

i moved to the basement, got over my fear of the contractors. gained a new fear. fear of the house falling in my head. if you were here, you'd understand. it sounds like there is an elephant with a hammer having a temper tantrum up there. and my dog is not covered with shit, he is SMEARED with it. this is going to be an interesting day...


(by the way, i have so far seen two contractors, neither of them the head contractor who i have previously met when he came for the estimates, contract signing blah blah blah. one of them has long dirty blond hair that comes about halfway down his back and gives me dirty looks when i walk by. i smile a hello and he looks away. the other one, who i saw breifly smiled when i did, so he doesnt scare me as much...)

in the jungle the mighty jungle....

im alone in a house with a bunch of people who are tearing up my kitchen. i say a bunch because i dont know how many there actually are. im afraid to go downstairs, especially in my pyjamas... however, i will have to at some point or another since i need to clean up my dog. im told he ran off this morning and came back covered in dog crap. i have not seen this yet for myself since i have not gathered the courage to face the people who are destroying my household but my mother(who has vanquished her fear of potentially burly men in her home and has been downstairs( and has left her firstborn alone for that matter...)) swears it is true. i must also confront the disaster that is my room for it has indeed become a disaster. she claims she can no longer walk through it (being not as fleet of foot as i) and therefore shall no longer venture into its depts any longer. i considered testing this claim until i remember that she on occasion brings me clean garnments and i am not ready to relinquish this priviledge. and so, the wild bedchamber must be taimed. i had also planned to venture into school today (since i apparently like school now) but if i am unable to leave the top floor of my house this seems like it could be a problem. that and i just might not have time to. either or... of to shower and make merry!



(i keep hearing these sounds that i GUESS are normal when people are ripping out half your house but still... many of them are worrying...)

oh the pain...

*cries* i feel like i was beaten with a bat... owie...

but on another note... for as long as i live, i dont think i will EVER understand people. some people are good with that stuf, you know, figuring out why people do the things they do, understanding what they are feeling or even simply knowing what they expect of you. i just dont get it. people dont make sense to me. ill think that i get someone and then they'll go and do something completly unexplicable and then im just left standing there, trying to make sense of it. more often than not, this includes me. sometimes i just dont know why i dont the things i do or why i feel the things i do. when it comes to people, i just plain suck. maybe this is why i dislike people... or often prefer my own company then that of alot of someone else. to be fair, i do understand the people that are closer to me better than others which might be why i enjoy THEIR company. ive come to somewhat understand them. they arent some huge mystery to me. i wont be left to judge them unfairly for their actions when i know why they did them. you know what i mean... when you see someone do something that doesnt make sense to you, you think "what an idiot, why the hell would they do that?" and you, as a result, feel dislike towards them. but if you knew WHY they did it, you might tend to accept them more. unless their reasons are stupid then you just dislike them even more.... heh... in the end, my point is, when it comes to people, i just suck.

this all reminds my of something my aunt said... my cousin, her son, is autistic. he atends a normal school and is in a class full of normal students although he has an aid. anyways, when he first started attending the school, my aunt and the school had a meeting with all the students and their parents and explained to them that an autistic boy would be in their classroom and explained to them what autism was. they made sure that all the kids understood why thomas did the things he did so that he wasnt a mystery to them. as my aunt said "kids dont make fun of things they understand". and its true. thomas has been with them for a couple years now and tthey all try and help him out, or even explain to other teachers unfamiliar to him what all his odd quirks mean. think about it... if you had say, experienced an eating disorder, or knew someone close to you who had, would you make fun of it? no, because you understand what its all about.

well, i feel like ive been repeating myself for the past 20 minutes... i have to go make up a story using circles... eurgh...

owie...

we got creamed in soccer tonight. but no worries, they were just really hella good. im tired.

my eyes are itchy. should i scratch them?

dude, where's my kicthen?

our laundry room, which was more like a hallway that doubled as a workshop-like area/storage spade in the unfinished part of our basement is now "trippling" as a kitchen. sound like fun? perhaps... only time can tell.

ive discovered i like being with new people. but only in specific situations such as:
1. i have to be with at least one other person i know relatively well and is also open to new people
2. it has to be in smaller groups at a time. as in 3-4 people max. otherwise i get overwhealmed.
3. for best results, the "new" people have to make the first step. from there on i can offer up the odd comment without feeling TOO out of place.
4. last, you have to realise that with new people i will be more quiet. thats okay, i like just sitting and listenning to completly new conversation types.

thats all i can think of now...
there's this commercial for walmart thats been on tv for a while. it makes me angry everytime i see it. it shows a variety of young folk, dressed in the various popular styles (punk, preppy, prostitot etc) and talking about how they dress individually. that theydont buy clothes JUST because they are cool. at some point someone says something along the lines of its okay to stand out in a croud. thats where i lose it everytime i watch it. THEY ALL LOOK JUST LIKE EVRYONE ELSE! there was not one original thing i the things they were wearing! they ALL corresponded to today's fashion. not one of them would have stood out in croud. now my point here is not that we should all dress individually (which is a nice concept but it takes way to much effort to put into practice especially when you dont care THAT much about clothes. its usually just easier to buy whatever is more or less in style that you also happen to like) since that would be rather hypocritical of me. i dont exactly stand out in a croud myself. but here's the twist: i dont say i do. do go on about your individual style then wear what EVERYONE ELSE is wearing. it pisses me off. its like our generation is striving for individuality while conforming at the same time. for the record, im talking clothing style here. i know plenty of unique individuals that dont necessarily go crazy when dressing. AND THATS FINE! but they dont go around spouting about how they dont dress according to today's styles. if your going to claim to have a unique sense of style then FINE, go for it. otherwise, just shut the hell up. argh. this is a pet peeve of mine. not just clothing wise. just simply when people say one thing then do the opposite. hypocacy. drives me mad. of course, we're all hypocrites at one point or another, present company included, but some are worse than others. and they are the ones that annoy me.

heh, i looked like a lumberjack today. it made me laugh. i think ill wear this again tomorrow.

good plan emily.

soooooooooo hungry...

im very hungry. all the food in my household has been moved to the basement and there is currently a fridge in my way to food. somehow that seems slightly ironic.... anyways, my brother and father are moving the fridge to the basement and its currently in the stairway. although i DID just hear a very loud crash so either it made it down or i am currently a brother and/or father short or both.

...

im still really hungry...

party animal.

lets see...

its friday night, im home alone after 4 hours of work and no one is online. im likely to go upstairs and read myself to bed. i will be asleep by 12 at the VERY latest....



partay on.

the correct pronouciation of poo.

i should be going to bed but i had some odd feeling of duty to post. that and i had way too much sugar to go to bed right yet.

so what is there to talk about? im not all that sure... i bought my art supplies today... yay? it took forever. my mom and i kept getting into arguments over whether or not the material corresponded to the stuff on the list. idiodic things like whether if the call it permanent if it also means its waterproof as well. my mom insisted it did, where as i didnt think so. the girl in the store sided with my mom so i gave in for the sake of peace (even if im still not entirely conviced). we got everything except for ONE paintbrush. that we need to go to another store for... such a bother... actually, they didnt have a certain paint set. they are being ordered so i wont be getting that for a while. bleh.

you know, what i was thinking earlier is the same thing ive been thinking for a while. it would be nice to have someone to spend my time with. oh well. ill survive. it would be better if people just didnt assume that because im me i just need to cough to get handfuls of potential "suitors". well guys, it doesnt really work that way. sorry.

anyways.... i think i need to go to bed.... im slowly getting shleepy...





*yawn*