ok so im annoying...

have you ever wanted to whine about something but know that you really have no right to whine about that and that in fact, you really have nothing to whine about at all? im kind of in that position. in fact, when i really think about it, there really isnt anything WRONG with my life. the only reason i want to whine is because then at least it would give me an excuse to feel sorry for myself. which i cant even do because there is nothign to feel sorry about. it would also give me something to think about. the truth of the matter is, there is nothing really going on in my life. at the moment i am surviving off of the events in other people's lives. but they are all busy people so more often then not, i end up by my lonesome. even here i cant be self pitying because i dont mind being alone (most of the time). the thing is, with all of this nothing going on and being alone alot, my life isnt terribly interesting. in fact, its rather boring. im not trying to look for sympathy because even i dont think i need it. ive seen other people get bored with their lives and as a result start to hate everyone for never changing. im not really angry though... i dont even mind people not changing. they seem happy enough, so where's the problem. like someone told me, i need to make changes in my OWN life. i cant make my happiness depend on the lifes of others... especially in a situation like this. right now im really just kind of in limbo. im doing okay. im just wondering how long i can last like this before it goes from bored to depressed. but i dont think it'll go that far, i wont let it get out of hand (famous last words).
im trying to not just sit back and wait for something to happen to shake things up. the idea is for me to make that happen. i dont quite know HOW, but thats another matter. even though i dont WANT to wait for it, i really wish i would just happen.

this sounds stupid but i like hanging out with guys. i like being the one girl with "the guys". ESPECIALLY when its with close friends and i dont get into this whole playing up to the "maybe" guy. if you dont get that part, i wont explain it. sigh... its sad, because its true. with guys i dont really know, in a small group situation, i will do that. as someone once told me, my vice is guys.

vice

A slight personal failing; a foible: the vice of untidiness.
A flaw or imperfection; a defect

its true, they are my weak spot. im terrible with dealing with them when things get serious. i will temporarily fall for most guys who show me the least bit of attention. its really quite pathetic. then i realise that i dont have real feelings for them other than friendship and am stuck with the situation of not wanting to hurt a friend. see? TERRIBLE.





gah, i need to go to bed before i make me hate myself... im already disgusted, lets not round it up to hate...

**i wrote that last night and was unable to post it because blogger has a personal vandetta against me. thats right, its PERSONAL. if i had written the post tonight it would have been a whole lot more bitter and angry. losing 6-0 to a bunch of cocky 15 year olds will do that to a girl. (its not so much the losing, its the fact that my little toe has more sportsmanship and decency than that entire team put together.)