Emily is now a member of the liscenced driving comunity.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Like I said...
...there's no black and white.
There's no handbook on the right and wrong way to handle a breakup. They don't say: In case of eventuality 2.3, refer to page 24. If eventuality is followed by event 7.1 then turn to page 13 unless in case of event 7.1.3 then appropriate measures are outlined on page 78.
Point being, when things get complicated you just wing it because fuck, making sense of the "right" thing to do is getting way to fucking hard and I'm just trying to do the best I can.
In the meantime I need to figure out what optional courses I'm going to take in university. Am I going to do a minor or just a bunch of random course. Should I go for something I might use later on or just whatever catches my fancy?
emily, tired and at a loss, signing out.
There's no handbook on the right and wrong way to handle a breakup. They don't say: In case of eventuality 2.3, refer to page 24. If eventuality is followed by event 7.1 then turn to page 13 unless in case of event 7.1.3 then appropriate measures are outlined on page 78.
Point being, when things get complicated you just wing it because fuck, making sense of the "right" thing to do is getting way to fucking hard and I'm just trying to do the best I can.
In the meantime I need to figure out what optional courses I'm going to take in university. Am I going to do a minor or just a bunch of random course. Should I go for something I might use later on or just whatever catches my fancy?
emily, tired and at a loss, signing out.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Xmen 3 was a dumb movie.
Oh.
Shit.
I need to learn to parallel park and NOT be a danger to the general public in a car in less than 4 days.
I repeat:
Oh.
Shit
The other day I went into school to empty my locker. I found countless things to remind me of Him. (not god, you know who Im talking about...) Notes he left on my locker throughout the year, mugs he lent me that I never gave back, leftover chocolate he gave me, the book(s) I borrowed, the paper outlining my half of our expulsion of the rideau center. You know, that kind of stuff.
So I sat there surrounded with what was left of what had been the two biggest constants in my life for about the last year, school and Emma, and felt incredibly depressed. I then impulsively got my hair cut off. It's a little on the short side.
I brought the stuff from school home in my school bag but havent touched it yet. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to deal with it. But thats how I always feel about messes, emotional or not. Better left ignored.
I do however still need to learn how to park.
Shit.
I need to learn to parallel park and NOT be a danger to the general public in a car in less than 4 days.
I repeat:
Oh.
Shit
The other day I went into school to empty my locker. I found countless things to remind me of Him. (not god, you know who Im talking about...) Notes he left on my locker throughout the year, mugs he lent me that I never gave back, leftover chocolate he gave me, the book(s) I borrowed, the paper outlining my half of our expulsion of the rideau center. You know, that kind of stuff.
So I sat there surrounded with what was left of what had been the two biggest constants in my life for about the last year, school and Emma, and felt incredibly depressed. I then impulsively got my hair cut off. It's a little on the short side.
I brought the stuff from school home in my school bag but havent touched it yet. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to deal with it. But thats how I always feel about messes, emotional or not. Better left ignored.
I do however still need to learn how to park.
Friday, May 26, 2006
I like beer even when it's cheap.
Scratch that, ESPECIALLY when it's cheap.
I've learn that after ingesting alcohol, no matter how small the amount, it's generally a bad idea to send emails to people towards whom your feelings are slightly complicated. It may happen that your relationship might suffer from slight to major ackwardness. Therefore, tonight I opted to post on ye olde blogger instead.
The other day I had to walk through the market with 430$ worth of change in my pockets. After some quick mental math, I figured I would be better off NOT ripping my employer off and went on feeling terrified of being mugged.
That story had no point.
Much like this post.
I think I'll stop wasting your time and go sleep now...
I've learn that after ingesting alcohol, no matter how small the amount, it's generally a bad idea to send emails to people towards whom your feelings are slightly complicated. It may happen that your relationship might suffer from slight to major ackwardness. Therefore, tonight I opted to post on ye olde blogger instead.
The other day I had to walk through the market with 430$ worth of change in my pockets. After some quick mental math, I figured I would be better off NOT ripping my employer off and went on feeling terrified of being mugged.
That story had no point.
Much like this post.
I think I'll stop wasting your time and go sleep now...
Monday, May 22, 2006
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life..."
-Michael Buble
Im in a quotation mood right now. For those of you who have never heard of Michael Buble, listen to Feeling Good. There are other decent songs, but that is one to be listenned to with eyes closed and half smile.
Im feeling rather introverted at the moment. I'm reading the Fisher King. It's not what Im used to but intreaging nonetheless. I read this today and found it slightly intressting. It has to do with "having trouble with your girl". Basically, the situation would be a woman is confronted about her intentions to leave "her man".
And if I did, what then
Are you agreev'd therfore?
The Sea hath fishe for every man,
And what would you have more?
Now, roll the two quotes together and you get "life is long. Live it."
I feel as though I have been put on a pedestal. Worse, that I have put myself on a pedestal. One of the things I both love and hate about myself is that I am able to recognize what most people want me to do. I may not always do it, but I usually do. This is why pretty much no one hates me. Im sure there's someone out there, but Ive never heard anyone get vocal about it. The truth is, I never believed that people felt very strongly about me one way or another. Mostly because if I just give people what they want they'll never be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. Now that I say it I know it sounds terrible. I can't help but hope that Im just saying it out loud the hear how it sounds. It's a wonderful way of figuring out what you think.
My point is, or at least while it might not have been this originaly it is now, that it's very difficult to know one's self. AT least... I think so. I'm constantly second guessing whether I'm doing something to make myself happy or to make others happy. But then again, maybe what makes me happy is seing others happy so that in making them happy Im really just making myself happy. But on the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't worry about other. But ultimatly, is there a should and shouldn't? Is there a handbook on the self?
There are a few things I do know about myself. A few truths I live by. Some might even call them cliches but to them I say they're cliche for a reason. Lying is bad, the truth is better. I've often called myself a hypocrite on this one which is why in brought in the next one. There are no black and whites. No absolutes. This is so hard to actually faithfully live by. Everyone, especially me, is always looking for the RIGHT anwser. There might be many right anwswers.
I dont know what my deal is tonight, I feel like I could write for ever. I want to have a deep conversation with someone. I feel like I lack depth in my life right now. I need to read more. I like reading. I kind of stopped over the school year. I forget sometimes that I used to experience conversation through books more often than actually in person. I know thats not healthy but it does remind me that I've used books as a safe zone my whole life. I can't forget that.
Oh, I suck as a cashier. It takes me about 4 times longer than it should to close cash and Im consistantly skrewing up in farely major ways. Today I got into a conversation with a customer about oil paint in which I gave him advice with his brushes. After he left I realised that I was more engaged in that one conversation than I was was all my dealings with customers of the day combined together. I want to work in an art supply store. I want to actually be usefull, actually have a purpose.
I had soccer practice today in which we had a friendly game agaisnt another senior women's tean from Aylmer. They were much more experienced and organized and therefore killed us but it was fun nonetheless. I am disgustingly out shape though. The funny thing is that once I got home I felt so at peace. I remember why I love sports so much. Alot of things I forgot about are coming back to me I guess. Im glad I have a game tomorrow. First of the season. I still don't know the names of half the girls on my team. But it should be fun. I saw some good talent today and Im looking forward to getting some chemistry flowing on the team.
I guess I should sleep... I appolagise for the length and conten of this post. It's all part of the on going filing process in my head.
Onwards Ho.
Im in a quotation mood right now. For those of you who have never heard of Michael Buble, listen to Feeling Good. There are other decent songs, but that is one to be listenned to with eyes closed and half smile.
Im feeling rather introverted at the moment. I'm reading the Fisher King. It's not what Im used to but intreaging nonetheless. I read this today and found it slightly intressting. It has to do with "having trouble with your girl". Basically, the situation would be a woman is confronted about her intentions to leave "her man".
And if I did, what then
Are you agreev'd therfore?
The Sea hath fishe for every man,
And what would you have more?
Now, roll the two quotes together and you get "life is long. Live it."
I feel as though I have been put on a pedestal. Worse, that I have put myself on a pedestal. One of the things I both love and hate about myself is that I am able to recognize what most people want me to do. I may not always do it, but I usually do. This is why pretty much no one hates me. Im sure there's someone out there, but Ive never heard anyone get vocal about it. The truth is, I never believed that people felt very strongly about me one way or another. Mostly because if I just give people what they want they'll never be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. Now that I say it I know it sounds terrible. I can't help but hope that Im just saying it out loud the hear how it sounds. It's a wonderful way of figuring out what you think.
My point is, or at least while it might not have been this originaly it is now, that it's very difficult to know one's self. AT least... I think so. I'm constantly second guessing whether I'm doing something to make myself happy or to make others happy. But then again, maybe what makes me happy is seing others happy so that in making them happy Im really just making myself happy. But on the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't worry about other. But ultimatly, is there a should and shouldn't? Is there a handbook on the self?
There are a few things I do know about myself. A few truths I live by. Some might even call them cliches but to them I say they're cliche for a reason. Lying is bad, the truth is better. I've often called myself a hypocrite on this one which is why in brought in the next one. There are no black and whites. No absolutes. This is so hard to actually faithfully live by. Everyone, especially me, is always looking for the RIGHT anwser. There might be many right anwswers.
I dont know what my deal is tonight, I feel like I could write for ever. I want to have a deep conversation with someone. I feel like I lack depth in my life right now. I need to read more. I like reading. I kind of stopped over the school year. I forget sometimes that I used to experience conversation through books more often than actually in person. I know thats not healthy but it does remind me that I've used books as a safe zone my whole life. I can't forget that.
Oh, I suck as a cashier. It takes me about 4 times longer than it should to close cash and Im consistantly skrewing up in farely major ways. Today I got into a conversation with a customer about oil paint in which I gave him advice with his brushes. After he left I realised that I was more engaged in that one conversation than I was was all my dealings with customers of the day combined together. I want to work in an art supply store. I want to actually be usefull, actually have a purpose.
I had soccer practice today in which we had a friendly game agaisnt another senior women's tean from Aylmer. They were much more experienced and organized and therefore killed us but it was fun nonetheless. I am disgustingly out shape though. The funny thing is that once I got home I felt so at peace. I remember why I love sports so much. Alot of things I forgot about are coming back to me I guess. Im glad I have a game tomorrow. First of the season. I still don't know the names of half the girls on my team. But it should be fun. I saw some good talent today and Im looking forward to getting some chemistry flowing on the team.
I guess I should sleep... I appolagise for the length and conten of this post. It's all part of the on going filing process in my head.
Onwards Ho.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Not so fond of life right now...
Today was a shit day. I owe work money because apparently I cant work a cash register.
This is much harder than I thought it would be.
I repeat, today was a SHIT day.
This is much harder than I thought it would be.
I repeat, today was a SHIT day.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
emo em
For the uninformed, the above was my msn name for a rather long period of time if I remember corretly... The reason for it now is my desire to be very emo right now.
8 months and its over... 8 months and all thats left is the memory of the most important relationship of my life. Could be worse... I guess I could be left with bad memories. Half of me wants everyone to make a big deal out of it. The other half, the larger one, just wants everyone to know and me to not have to talk about it anymore. I want peoplem to understand but I don't want to have to explain anything.
I wanted it to work.... just once. Just once I would have liked to not be the heartless one. Just fucking once I wanted to love someone unconditionally. I feel like such a putz because of all the people who want to be loved like I have been. I know I have been fortunate in that department. I just wish I could return the favour.
Im so tired.
Just so you know, I cried while writing this. I dont know if I've ever cried while posting... I've probably teared up but I dont know about full out cried.
I'm getting good at it. Crying I mean. After a lifetime of minimal crying I've done some catching up lately. Fuck, ok, yeah. That was emo. Im not going to be all doom and gloom here. Things will work out. I know they will.
It'll just be harder than I thought...
And you'd think I'd be an old pro by now...
PS- if it werent for work I think I'd cut off all my hair.
8 months and its over... 8 months and all thats left is the memory of the most important relationship of my life. Could be worse... I guess I could be left with bad memories. Half of me wants everyone to make a big deal out of it. The other half, the larger one, just wants everyone to know and me to not have to talk about it anymore. I want peoplem to understand but I don't want to have to explain anything.
I wanted it to work.... just once. Just once I would have liked to not be the heartless one. Just fucking once I wanted to love someone unconditionally. I feel like such a putz because of all the people who want to be loved like I have been. I know I have been fortunate in that department. I just wish I could return the favour.
Im so tired.
Just so you know, I cried while writing this. I dont know if I've ever cried while posting... I've probably teared up but I dont know about full out cried.
I'm getting good at it. Crying I mean. After a lifetime of minimal crying I've done some catching up lately. Fuck, ok, yeah. That was emo. Im not going to be all doom and gloom here. Things will work out. I know they will.
It'll just be harder than I thought...
And you'd think I'd be an old pro by now...
PS- if it werent for work I think I'd cut off all my hair.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Cleaning Frenzy.
I have just dusted off about a years worth of dust off of everything in my room. Excluding closet. The closet of the damned will remain dusty until I have the courage to tackle it. I sorted through alot of the junk lying around, threw some stuff out... I still have a few piles but its a remarkable improvement. Soon I'll be able to vacuum! Boy, let me tell you, a years worth of dust is quite disgusting.
I've also started transfering all the music from our family computer to my laptop. I say started because Im a moron. See, the intelligent thing to do would have been to plug it into the computer directly and transfer it that way. NOT go through the wireless network. This is a STUPID idea. As it is, Im on about hour 4 of the transfer and its about 4 fifths done. Meh, it'll get done eventually. Next Ill have a job and a half of organizing the thing.
My goals once I finished school were to sleep in, get my liscence, clean my room and see more of Emma. As it is, my room is now cleaner than it has been in about a year, I slept about 10 hours today and I have an appointment to take my practical test on the 31st. I just need to learn how to park in about... 2 and a half weeks. Shit... but doable I think. Then I shall be mobile for the summer.
This week I must (not necessarily in this order): Call Dell and make them take back their shitty mouse, pay for soccer, get my cell and mp3 player back, hang out with emma, buy some clothes for work, have a photo shoot with pat, go out with the VA girls and... um... I think that might actually cover what I have planned for the week.. oh I need to move all my stuff from school to home.
Feeling productive is fun.
guys, do you think Lyle will fail me for not doing his report? Here's to finding out!
I've also started transfering all the music from our family computer to my laptop. I say started because Im a moron. See, the intelligent thing to do would have been to plug it into the computer directly and transfer it that way. NOT go through the wireless network. This is a STUPID idea. As it is, Im on about hour 4 of the transfer and its about 4 fifths done. Meh, it'll get done eventually. Next Ill have a job and a half of organizing the thing.
My goals once I finished school were to sleep in, get my liscence, clean my room and see more of Emma. As it is, my room is now cleaner than it has been in about a year, I slept about 10 hours today and I have an appointment to take my practical test on the 31st. I just need to learn how to park in about... 2 and a half weeks. Shit... but doable I think. Then I shall be mobile for the summer.
This week I must (not necessarily in this order): Call Dell and make them take back their shitty mouse, pay for soccer, get my cell and mp3 player back, hang out with emma, buy some clothes for work, have a photo shoot with pat, go out with the VA girls and... um... I think that might actually cover what I have planned for the week.. oh I need to move all my stuff from school to home.
Feeling productive is fun.
guys, do you think Lyle will fail me for not doing his report? Here's to finding out!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
bare knuckle boxing.
I know this is a pointless battle that can't be won one way or another but I feel the need to say it anyways.
Everytime I hear someone even imply (seriously that is, I can take a joke) that visual arts is a slack program or isnt stressful or is easy in any way I feel like shoving things up their nostrils. If I have one more person shake their head at my two exams in digust with VA's "light" workload I will force-feed them lead paint until their eyeballs bleed.
Like I said, I know this is pointless, there's always going to be misunderstanding but... rrr...
what is this, like 4 posts in one day? If so that might be a personal record for myself.
Everytime I hear someone even imply (seriously that is, I can take a joke) that visual arts is a slack program or isnt stressful or is easy in any way I feel like shoving things up their nostrils. If I have one more person shake their head at my two exams in digust with VA's "light" workload I will force-feed them lead paint until their eyeballs bleed.
Like I said, I know this is pointless, there's always going to be misunderstanding but... rrr...
what is this, like 4 posts in one day? If so that might be a personal record for myself.
CALLING ALL VA STUDENTS
(or anyone in english:arts and science milieu)
I propose a study group tomorrow since we dont start til 2:30. I'm thinking start at 9am, meet in the art hallway (im thinking we take over a studio room) and just discuss the stories in such.
Personally Im a little rough on the sonnets and two of the short stories but I can be of service in other areas. Im planning on posting this in as many spots as possible in the hopes of reaching as many of my procrastinating fellows as possible.
Come on guys, I think this would really help us all...
I propose a study group tomorrow since we dont start til 2:30. I'm thinking start at 9am, meet in the art hallway (im thinking we take over a studio room) and just discuss the stories in such.
Personally Im a little rough on the sonnets and two of the short stories but I can be of service in other areas. Im planning on posting this in as many spots as possible in the hopes of reaching as many of my procrastinating fellows as possible.
Come on guys, I think this would really help us all...
OH, and...
Contrary to popular belief the comic I posted awhile back has nothing to do with my real life. It is complete FICTION. Psych 101 me all you want, but I know it is the result of stress induced insomnia and a particularly inpsiring busride.
So there.
So there.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
You can't do everything and you can't please everyone.
For example: I may have rocked most of my art projects but in the process I have become horribly unhealthy in almost every way possible... Okay, I dont do hard drugs or smoke... yeah, thats about all I've got going for me. See, I get one but lose the other. The reason I bring this up is because today was my first soccer practice.
Dear lord I was pathetic. I think I was dead within the first two minutes. I felt so washed out. Someone said I hid it well but that someone wasnt the coach. Im sure he felt somewhat similarly to what I did. Needless to say, I hurt. I feel as though every muscle in my body is calling me an idiot. Sooo.... tomorrow should be even MORE fun.
But, I have resolved to start running everyday I'm home and taking the dog with me. He's getting pudgy. It would seem he went to seed around the same time I did. But no worries, I will whip our lazy arses back into shape! (I don't have an excuse not to now...)
People.
People amaze me. In every way possible. They amaze me ways which makes me respect them and they amaze me in ways which make me think... how the fuck did you manage that? Either way, you ca never make everyone happy. Some people just want too much.
**note: the above was written a few days ago and I saved it as a draft to finish later then forgot about it... the rest is from today (wednesday)**
Right so I came out of my art show 600$ dollars richer but two paintings poorer. The funny thing is that Im not sure if Im happy about this. I suppose its something Ill have to get used to but still... Im going to miss that painting.
Heh... earlier today my mother and I bargained over artwork. She wanted some and I wanted to keep it all... We settled on some sort of agreement. She's taking one original (which Im almost glad to get rid of since it bothers me) and she's getting a few prints. Oh and my stone sculpture. The wood sculpture she also gets by default since I have nowhere to put it.
Well the second half of this post has been pointless.
Its summer. My summer restlessness is kicking in. I want a mohawk (sp?).
That is all.
Dear lord I was pathetic. I think I was dead within the first two minutes. I felt so washed out. Someone said I hid it well but that someone wasnt the coach. Im sure he felt somewhat similarly to what I did. Needless to say, I hurt. I feel as though every muscle in my body is calling me an idiot. Sooo.... tomorrow should be even MORE fun.
But, I have resolved to start running everyday I'm home and taking the dog with me. He's getting pudgy. It would seem he went to seed around the same time I did. But no worries, I will whip our lazy arses back into shape! (I don't have an excuse not to now...)
People.
People amaze me. In every way possible. They amaze me ways which makes me respect them and they amaze me in ways which make me think... how the fuck did you manage that? Either way, you ca never make everyone happy. Some people just want too much.
**note: the above was written a few days ago and I saved it as a draft to finish later then forgot about it... the rest is from today (wednesday)**
Right so I came out of my art show 600$ dollars richer but two paintings poorer. The funny thing is that Im not sure if Im happy about this. I suppose its something Ill have to get used to but still... Im going to miss that painting.
Heh... earlier today my mother and I bargained over artwork. She wanted some and I wanted to keep it all... We settled on some sort of agreement. She's taking one original (which Im almost glad to get rid of since it bothers me) and she's getting a few prints. Oh and my stone sculpture. The wood sculpture she also gets by default since I have nowhere to put it.
Well the second half of this post has been pointless.
Its summer. My summer restlessness is kicking in. I want a mohawk (sp?).
That is all.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
what, no climax?
Well, for all intents and purposes,I'm done. I finished everything that had to be done, it's all ready to be handed in. I'm happy with most of it except for personal vision. Ironic considering that's supposed to be our "masterpieces". But I'll pass and right now thats all I really want.
Interesting story, I'm in bed right now. In bed typing?? what's this?? That's right, I got a laptop. Anytime I tell anyone about it they make fun of it but you know what? screw you all. It's mine, all mine. I dont need the best, I just need something that'll work. So what if it's a Dell... I bite my thumb at thee.
An increasing number of things are making me uncomfortable as of late. I thought that finishing all my projects would provide an intense sense of relief but I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Part of it is this horrible disgusting sappy part of me that I'm ashamed to say I have... I think I'll miss Heritage. Not so much the school itself... I have little love for the school, but really the people.
The group dynamic in the second year visual art students is like nothing Ive ever experienced. I have never spent this much time with the same people without either getting sick of them or there having some sort of drama. It completly amazes me how we just all fit together. No one fights, no one gossips negatively about others, there are no cliques and we have an awesome time when we're all together. Dont get me wrong, nothing in the world could get me to give up my friends, we just have a different connection. All this to say, the end is going to be bitter sweet.
I'm looking forward to monday's art show (HERITAGE COLLEGE, 7PM, MONDAY MAY 8TH. BE THERE OR ELSE. ALL OF YOU) but I know it'll be a sob fest. Em Paris will start if off, then Uta and then we'll all be bawling. Im sorry in advance for the ackwardness for everyone else. We'll make it all up to you while getting smashed afterwards. Booya.
Maybe once the exams are over it'll really sink in...
My father is making me call Dell and harrass them. I don't like harassing people, I'm not a very aggressive person. They're going to walk all over me, I can just tell. Sigh... They gave us a shitty mouse which was falsely advertised and we want to make them pay for the shipping to take it back. Oh and they said I'd get a bag with it... which I didnt. But I cant find any proof that said they would... so this should be interesting.
anyways, Rhonda is making me post so that she can stop procrastinating so I should go..
WORK RHONDA WORK!!!
Interesting story, I'm in bed right now. In bed typing?? what's this?? That's right, I got a laptop. Anytime I tell anyone about it they make fun of it but you know what? screw you all. It's mine, all mine. I dont need the best, I just need something that'll work. So what if it's a Dell... I bite my thumb at thee.
An increasing number of things are making me uncomfortable as of late. I thought that finishing all my projects would provide an intense sense of relief but I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Part of it is this horrible disgusting sappy part of me that I'm ashamed to say I have... I think I'll miss Heritage. Not so much the school itself... I have little love for the school, but really the people.
The group dynamic in the second year visual art students is like nothing Ive ever experienced. I have never spent this much time with the same people without either getting sick of them or there having some sort of drama. It completly amazes me how we just all fit together. No one fights, no one gossips negatively about others, there are no cliques and we have an awesome time when we're all together. Dont get me wrong, nothing in the world could get me to give up my friends, we just have a different connection. All this to say, the end is going to be bitter sweet.
I'm looking forward to monday's art show (HERITAGE COLLEGE, 7PM, MONDAY MAY 8TH. BE THERE OR ELSE. ALL OF YOU) but I know it'll be a sob fest. Em Paris will start if off, then Uta and then we'll all be bawling. Im sorry in advance for the ackwardness for everyone else. We'll make it all up to you while getting smashed afterwards. Booya.
Maybe once the exams are over it'll really sink in...
My father is making me call Dell and harrass them. I don't like harassing people, I'm not a very aggressive person. They're going to walk all over me, I can just tell. Sigh... They gave us a shitty mouse which was falsely advertised and we want to make them pay for the shipping to take it back. Oh and they said I'd get a bag with it... which I didnt. But I cant find any proof that said they would... so this should be interesting.
anyways, Rhonda is making me post so that she can stop procrastinating so I should go..
WORK RHONDA WORK!!!
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