Hindsight is 20-20

Possibly the worst night of my life. Or at the very least, it's in the top 5. Why the fuck doesn't life come with a reset button?

Fuck Modesty

Dromaeosaurus Albertensis

I drew that today in ballpoint pen at the Redpath Museum at McGill. They have dinosaurs we have... uh... a really tall building with flowers on the side. sigh.

To be honnest, I'm quite proud of this. It's by far not the best drawing I've ever done but it was probably one of the most theraputic. I focused all my stress and neuroses into this painstakingly over detailed drawing. In fact, they fueled the analness in this drawing. I don't think I could have spent so long on it if I weren't feeling so... neurotic. In the end about 3 hours flew by and all I'd though about was every single crack and crevis on that damn skull. I like the results although I'll admit it doesn't look nearly as good in real life. The scanner flaters it.

Im looking forward to focusing on art tonight. Stress that was released in drawing is back. If nothing else, I like how art lets me not think.

artwork

This is the only real decent picture I have to show you of the work I wrote about a few posts back. I have detail photos of it in its earlier stages but their all distorted from the angle I took the picture. I'm pretty sure this one here is blurry so... sorry.
But it gives you the general gist of it.

In Theory....

It's 2 in the morning. I am almost done my second page (double spaced) of my 5 page essay due tomorrow. Scratch that, today. In about 12 hours. Oh poop. I've had two large coffees and am about to start a cup of tea. I am starting to consider the merits of Rhonda's "skipping class" plan. From what I understand, it involves more sleep.

In theory this should be easy. 5 pages isnt that much. In theory I should also have started a week ago. In theory I shouldn't be blogging right now.

In theory I swear I'm not a dumb person.

In practice I'm a complete dumbass.

Breaking down new beariers of self abuse.

Last year I spent many long days working until ten at school. I believe my record was 14 hours straight in Heritage. Who knew there would come a day when I would scoff at such numbers.

Back then I might have been at school for that long, I wasn't working the whole time. I had a boyfriend, friends and class to distract me. But NOW when I say that I was at school for 20 hours in a row, it was devoted entirely to work/class. You can rest assured that between 5pm and 7am at the Visual Arts building on a sunday night / monday morning, there are many distractions. Not that I know anyone at the school anyways.... Right, so. Here are the numbers for the night:

14 hours spent on drawing project (pictures to follow)
4 hours spent in class
2 hours spent on breaks if you add them all up.
TOTAL (as I mentioned about) -20 hours.

I kind of proud in a masochistic sort of way. Not of the end result really, but of the effort I put into it. It wasn't even all last minute, I worked on it pretty constantly all week.

Speaking of the drawing... It was a full body self portrait, 3' x 5'. It needs a few changes but for the most part it was well received. It was described as having a "tom-boy-ish femininity", as being "androgenous" and as making me look like a "dyke". All of these things amuse me.

when I get around to uploading the picture I'll post it.

Til then.... to my new obsession: Heroes!

Interesting Factoids

One of the reasons I prefer my new template is that the achives are much clearer. I just noticed that over the past three years, I have gradually posted less and less. I like to beleive that while my quantity has diminished, the quality is improving exponentially. yes?

Random friday... Saw Casino Royale on openning night and loved it (like the proper geek I am), miraculously found Kim at a club knowing only the street name and cover amount and made a new acquaintance on the bathroom floor of a Tim Horton's.

Today I got all dressed up, went to an art show for my program hoping to run into someone, ANYONE I might know, realised I knew no one, realised that most of the art was uninterresting and left. I hate putting effort into the way I look when it just leads to me coming home after an hour. It's very discouraging considering how rarely wear clothing these days that isnt ripped, covered in paint or both. Occupational hazard.

I hear sirens.... again... and honking actually... that ones not as comon.


Sleep time. Lot of work to do tomorrow. Must rest.

Of a New Post

I decided to post this seperatly even though I'm writing it immediatly after posting my last entry.

There is something intensely satisfying about working until exhaustion, especially when I'm at school at 1 or 2 in the morning. It brings a certain feeling of martyrdom, of sacrifice to a cause, that is fantastically rewarding. It feels real and it feels good to know that you worked hard to get something done. I think thats why I do what I do.

Bleg. I'm tired. I might continue this train of thought later.

But for now. Sleep.

Of Confessions

As you can see, new template. It's green. Very green. Felt the need for something fresh.

Been doing alot of thinking lately. Can't say it's done me much good... I seem to be more irrational than ever (less rational than ever?). It's a strange thing when your head and your gut tell you two different things. Civil war within the body. No one wins, Emily loses. Grow up girl, grow up.

*insert segway(sp?) here*

I'll be honnest, some mornings I wake up and realise that I'm spending shitloads of my and my parents' money on learning how to do nothing. I go to school and draw. Or paint. Or etch conversations into telephone wire. What the bloody hell? Whats the point? How is this usefull in any way? Its on days like this that the art "scene" seems to me to be a pile of bullshit. A great big hoax where a bunch of people who dont want to work get together and try to make shit up so that they dont have to feel guilty about being useless members of society. And here I am, spending money to "learn" how to become nothing at all like a putz. What the hell is the point to art? Is there such a thing? If there is, am I an "artist" or just a girl who can paint decently?

Days when I wake up feeling like that usually end up pretty shitty. It's not fun realising your whole life is a scam and there's nothing you can do about it because it's all you know how to do. In fact it's probably one of the most terrifying things I can think of short of someone dying... Of course, not everyday is like that. If they were I don't think I'd ever get out of bed.

Some days I want nothing more than to paint for the rest of my life. On those days I can happily stare at a chair covered in fluorescent elastics, grinning like a fool, just because it's so fabulous. I'll gladdly stay at school until 2am covered in paint, exhausted, to spend my 20th hour on a painting that will probably be worth no more than 10% of my grade because it's just not quite right.

And some days... I just wake up, go to class, do a bit of homework and go to bed (rinse, repeat) because that's what I'm supposed to do. No more, no less. No thinking.


So that's it. I'm either wasting my life away, doing what I'm meant to do OR following some path like a tool.

It would comfort me to know that everyone goes through this... At least... I think it would...

oh and..

Sam Roberts was fucking amazing.
Best. Show. Ever.



Just thought you should know.

Life in Montreal

So here I am.

Living in Montreal. and yet, it's as though I have nothing to talk about.

Well this is both true and false. New things happen everyday here. Things are different but they're also the same. I have plenty of material I just... dont know how to put it into words.

I just spent the past few days afflicted with some horrid stomach virus. I don't know where it came from, I don't know what it wants... All I know is that I would like it to PLEASE go away. Despite this, I went drinking last night. Emily's wrestling show #2. Drinking when I shouldn't. Story of my life. School would be so much easier if I got more than 5 hours of sleep everynight. And if I wasn't frequently hungover. I'm not a dumb person, you'd think I'd figure this out.

Life in Montreal, if nothing else, is fun. Too much fun perhaps. My school work isnt suffering yet but... I feel like Im just coasting. Last semester all my energy went to artwork. Now, not so much. I don't really feel good about this. I know I should just buckle down and not go out so much but it's difficult when you are surrounded with temptation and you have no willpower.

Im thinking of getting a job. This doesn't make sense considering what I just said but... I don't know. I feel the need to get a job. Oh and I like spending money.
That's a biggy.

well, I have a study date waiting for me so I should get going...

...
yeah...