fecking chain mail...

i swear to god. these things PISS ME OFF.
lets take a look at this scenario shall we: little girl dying of a rare type of cancer (we later find out it's LUNG CANCEr. i dont know about you, but *I*sure have never heard of THAT one before...). her dying wish is to send out a CHAIN LETTER to tell people to live thier life out to their fullest. but wait, theres a catch. she might not ACTUALLY be dying, there COULD be a cure. so all we have to do, is send on this chain letter and the american cancer society will donate 6 cents for eveery person its sent to.they conclude by adding on the nice little guilt factor of " if you dont take time to do this, you are one sick puppy" shpeal. well i for one, would like to say i RESENT this. no, i am INSULTED by it.
think about. you have a society who's GOAL is to cure cancer. they are apparently, sitting on a large sum of money that could potentially be spent on CURING cancer. but they would rather make it some sort of sick contest. hey! lets place little suzie's fate (and the fate of milion others) in the hands of a FREAKIN CHAIN LETTER. hey sick kids! here's milions of dollars! but you cant have it unless a bunch of strangers blindly forward this chain letter (which we are, by the way, tracking how many people receive it using the MAGICAL EMAIL FAIRIES) to another bunch of strangers.

so excuse me if i DO NOT forward this email to save sick kids from cancer because quite frankly i think it's sick people would use something like this to get their idiotic letter forwarded around the world.

now if you agree with me:
send this to 1-5 people and you'll be a retard
send this to 5-10 people and you'll be a complete retard
send this to 10-15 people and you are so insanely retarded that you're beyond any form of hope.

no, i'm NOT in a bad mood, but shit like this pisses me off....

blast from the past

yesterday was so odd... well, the first half of my day was anyways. i woke up to the phone ringing.since no one seemed to be inclined to pick up, i reluctantly anwsered, but the machine clicked on and i didnt feel like dealing with it so i hung up and went back to sleep. the phone started ringing again. i anwsered on time this time. someone asking for my mom. i took a message. i got up and searched the house. no one. no mom, no dad no brother. no cars in the driveway. it was quarter after 9. the phone rang again and i had to explain to the person looking for my mom, that i didnt know where she was, and no, i didnt know when she'd be back but yes, i'd take a message. now thouroughly irrated at being woken up and not finding my family anywhere (not even a note) i couldnt go back to sleep. so i watched tv. saturday morning tv. the kid shows with low budget type. it was wonderful (not the tv). i was curled up on the couch, it was snowing outside, i had nothing pressing to do... pure relaxasion. it just seemed like such a thing i would be doing when i was a little kid. get up early on weekends to watch cartoons.

the i went to rideau and i rejoined normal time.

i think i should win the loser record. only *I* could miss my bus and be late for my very first job interview ever.

and STILL get the job. go figure. so yeah, i am now a Laura Secord employee. exciting, i know.

alright, time to go waste my time doing other random things

12 empty cans of pop around the room, 12 empty cans of pop... you take one down, you pass it around, 11 empty cans of pop around the room.

how can a handfull of people drink so much? sigh, i should clean this up... but it can wait til morning...


new record: title longer than actual post.

oh dear god.

it's 2 am.
tomorrow(ok, today), i have to get up, go to school and finish (ok, START) a calculus assignment and get it done in 2 hours.

27 pages. twenty fucking seven pages.

what the hell, why is here a christmas song playing on my playlist? fucking hell...

i must get vulgar when i'm tired...

the fore mentioned walk in the woods

i used to know all the paths in the woods at the end of my street like the back of my hand. i still remember them. they all had something different to offer. some gave you a good hour walk through peacefull feilds and tall bushes and/or short trees. another brought you to the middle of a cedar grove that was so thick at the top, all of the vegetayion at the bottom was dead so that you really didnt need paths. one brought you out to the big antenna. one brought you through a muddy path by some old rusted cars that, until recently, i didnt know where it finished. plus countless others that went nowhere in particular except perhaps to a firepit, the likely spots for bush parties probably. bu now they're all covered by houses. and the suburbs expand...

some of the paths still exist, but they are changed. you can now see the houses if you look hard enough through the naked tree branches. you have to ignore the random rock dump offs and clearings. near the park around the block from my house there used to be a drainage ditch. manmade, it was dug into the solid rock almost. one side had more of a gradual slope full of wildflowers or weeds, depending on your point of view. the other side of the creek/ ditch was an 8 foot rock drop, which looked quite like a cliff back in the day. at the end of the ditch, there was a drainage grate that went into a tunnel. water tended to collect here, stagnating into some green-ish slop. this is where we would catch frogs. at a right angle to this, there was another creek/ditch that usually ran dry during the summer. up on side of it the was a rather steep rocky slope and and the forest ended right at its edge. in the spring or fall, the runnoff from the woods would make a cascade of sorts into the ditch. i was our own little water fall. i rember spending a day scalling the thing, cutting off one flow, making another, and just generally getting ourselves filthy. over the years there were a few forts... not many and they never lasted long but a club or secret society usually came with them. i remember once, after a big downpour, a little valley or gulley or whatever, turned into a full pond. i can really remember spending the day, which had been picture perfect sunny, lounging on the big boulders along the side and in the middle of the new pond. the water didnt stay long and every time we would go back after any rain, soemhow the phenomena never repeated itself.

i still remember when they first started building the houses. the amounts of trees completly butchered. there was one along one of the main paths. a white pine, one of the only substancially sized ones in the area. it was huge. perfect climbing tree too. someone had built a ladder up to a small platform at some point. when they started clearing back there, we had hoped that somehow it would make it. but it didnt. during a walk we found it sliced up and neatly piled up along the path, along with all the other smaller trees. it was such a waste. i almost cried whenever i went back there the first few times. eventually, you get desensitized. i still cant help but feel like half my childhood is under the brand new houses with spotless lawns, hardly a tree in sight.

progress, i know. where would we get if we just kept hugging our trees? living all in the same little box? why, that would be ridiculous! i also know that beneath my house, there's probaly someone else's childhood playground. i guess nothing can stay the same forever. eh?

i'm sorry if this was too "melodramatic" or depressing or whatever... i just forget how great that place used to be then suddenly remember. i figure it shouldn't have ALL gone to waste, at least some writing can come from it...

quick note before bed

it's late.
i need sleep.
i have to get up in the morning, go to school.
i need to go to bed.

and yet, here i am!
i realised today that i am more comfortable interracting with guys. i dont know why. i'm not saying there arent exceptions to the rule(there are a few biggies) but on a whole, most of my close friends are guys. go figure... maybe it's just a coincidence and i'm reading too much into things, but i always remember preferring playing with the boys. you know, while the girls would be playing house, i'd be playing army guys with the boys. there a little bit of information few of you would know. actually, now that i think of it, it was about 50-50. i had friends i hung around during school (girls) and friends after school when i went to the deycare(mostly guys). or at least, they were the ones i enjoyed more being around most.

didnt i say in my last post that i was really girly? yeah, i did. well, thats true too. i guess you could say i'm well balanced. or insane or having an identity crisis.... it all works out to the same end result: ME.

remind me to tell you about my walk in the woods.... i have alot to say about that.

nighty night folks
~em

the dangers of starcraft

i hadnt played in a while... a long while actually, so when sean proposed a game, i forgot how addictive it was. i think we played for a couple hours... 3 games. short ones too....

sigh... i had other ways planned to spend the evenning, mainly homework.

*streeeeeeeetch*

i went to visit my little cousin micheal in kingston today. he was sooooo cute and tiny. he'll be one month old tuesday. he's got chubby little cheeks and a double chin and little eyes and a little nose and everything is so SMALL. his whole hand can be wrapped around half my finger. it's hard to believe that one miniscule little finger will get to be normal sized. it's hard to believe he's going to get big at all. at this age, he doesnt do much... mostly just eat sleep poop... poop some more... he eats every four hours... can you imagine? no wonder they grow so fast at that age. my aunt and uncle have to get up like 3 times during the night to feed him. i think i'll just become the favorite aunt and bypass the whole baby thing...

i was sitting on the couch last night when i had the oddest realisation... the idea itself wasnt all that odd, but more the fact that i had never had it before. the idea of sleep. what is it? how can your consciousness just... go? where does it go? what makes it come back? why would it leave int he first place? why would it have to? it makes no sense. then it hit me how weird it was that this had never occured to me. alex was there, and he definatly thought i was odd for it never having occured to me before. i cant even remember why i thought of it. the mysterious ways of the mind...

on the way to kingston, i had planned on studying or at the very least, reading. i ended up sleeping basically the whole time. most of the way back to. but on the way back, i sat and stared out the window for a bit. it gave me a chance to think. i love car trips for that reason. i get to do some of my favorite me things, that is things that i enjoy doing on my own. stuff like... nap, read, listen to music or even just sit and think (although i usually do that with the music). so that's what i did for a bit on the way back. i was thinking about.... stuff. mostly about how i could switch from one relationship to another so fast. i know some people have judged me on that. heck, i would judge anyone else had they done it. well, i WOULD have. i wouldnt now. no one can understand how a person feels just by looking, so dont think you can. dont pretend to know how it was then pass judgement on it, as if it involved you (unless it did...). and no, it's not something i would recomend but nor is it something i regret. it just happened, and it wasnt planned. i dont know why i feel i have to explain myself to you people.... but i am anyways. i guess i dont want people getting the wrong idea, even though i doubt this would change their minds greatly. sigh... i'm considering erasing this last paragraph but i dont think i will. i dont even know who read this... i mean, the only people who might read this are the ones who already know all of this... who knows.

five fingers.... why five? i guess you could also ask, why not?

:)

and i mean that folks, i REALLY mean that.

*drools*

have i had that title before? i can't remember... i know i'll end up repeating eventually. well, the reason for my socially unnacceptable bahaviour is because of this kick ass new sound system on this computer. not 1, or 3 or even 5, but 6, yes 6, speakers. folks, this is alot of speaker-age. i am, as we speak, having my mind blown away. big time. i have it up really loud so i cant hear much else. my parents arent home and will likely be comming soon. i wont hear them come in so i know that when they come up it will scare the shit out of me. as it is, i'm already jumping out of my skin everytime i THINK i see a shadow move. yeah, that all goes back to the uncomfortableness i have with the dark.
anyways, i put the base on max and blasted the volume and played Seven Nation Army. holy shit, the floor was shaking, it was insane. i love this computer and its godlike speakers.

oh, my parents just got in. lucky for me they came in at a relatively slow song (sitting on the dock of the bay) so i'm safe.

it's come to my attention that i am the biggest girl in the world. i have this strange desire to see "love actually" which is likely the be the sappiest romantic comedy around. it's also come to my attention that i take after my dad (not in the girliness, in other stuff...) like, the short memory. it took me 5 days to memorize a short and simple monologue while other people memorized monologues twice as long overnight. some people can quote the lines from their favorite book or movie. or know all the words to a song without the music to help. people can remember specific lines from a tv episode they saw weeks ago. i cant remember a specific line from a show i saw yesterday. i dont know a single song by heart, not event he one i would call my favorite. i dont remember a single specific line from any of the many many books i've read (the closest thing to it would be remembering the names of a few authors i absolutly love). the only two birthdates i know out of every single person i know is mine and my brothers. i freaquently forget birthdays or get reminded of them a week later and feel like a bitch. it's nothing personal i swear, i'm just bad that way. same thing with names. a person who has just been introduced to me will have their name forgotten within 30 second of it having been said to me if i ever even register it at all. i've been playing volleyball witht he same girls for about 2 months now and i still have to think about some of their names. eventually i'll get it but... it's still annoying. my dad is the same way. he writes the names of people in his palm pilot to help him remember who they are, their spouse's name, kid's name, that kind of stuff. i was doomed from the begenning.

so now you know. if i aver forget your name or birthday, IM SORRY in advance.

uuuh...

how often does anyone get to say this in a regular conversation?

em (Jingle my Canary, PoinDexter!) says:
1. where does the hot air baloon come in? 2. where does the arrow come in? and 3. where does the paralyzing ray COME from?
em (Jingle my Canary, PoinDexter!) says:
and 4. no, i dont want you to anwser

i have the coolest friends

dead on my feet... or chair...

i hate volleyball. i hate basketball. i hate volleyball and basketball. i want to play something i'm actually good at. like soccer. god i miss soccer.

i'm so tired. dead tired. i thought i was going to pass out at volleyball practice today. i couldnt do anything right. they made me try overhand serves.... only one hit the net, and the rest fell painfully short. none even came close to going over. i eventually switched back to underhand but i couldnt even do that right. i wanted to just go home... i started school at nine and got home at 10:30. when i got in was supposed to go to bed right away, but i called viki because she asked me to. but she wasnt home (thanks viki...). so then i stood at the top of my staircase, my bedroom behind me, the computer downstairs calling me. i stood there i wondered which i should do. i felt like passing out so obviously i came on the computer. but there seems to be nothing to keep me hear so i do believe i'm going to go to bed.

sigh... it feels like all i do nowadays is sit there and get creamed at everything i do. i want to do something easy or something i'm good at for once. like skiing. except not, because in the racing world, i'm not very good. same thing with soccer... but to people who dont know any better, i'm sure i LOOK good...i know i know, it's really shallow. but a girl has to get her confidence/moral booster SOMEWHERE.

owie, i'm in pain... where? i'm not really sure *waves in general body area* here-ish.

a little annecdote (take 2)

(a little side note before we begin... i started this entry last night when the internet died. saddly, i lost everything i had written, so... here is take 2)

i love art. i love seeing it. thats why, when we went to the art gallery last year with mrs smith, i was so happy. we took a guided tour of the contemporary section. you know the one... the one that they are always making fun of : "thats not art, it's only three lines" well, i wont get into the fact that true art is not only a measure of skill, but of the idea or message that they are trying to get accross. anyways, he brought us to a room with 4 paintings. they were all landscapes of sorts. he asked us which one we would like to live in most.

the one onthe right had a lake and trees. in the background there was some buildings. it was done in bright bold colours. a mostly solid colours all in a more or less traditional native art style. the one in front of us held many yellow fields on a hill. criss crossing the hills were white picket fences and in the feilds were some sheep. in the fore group some scantily clad boys lounged on the grass next to one of the fences. to the left of us, the painting showed a patchwork of glass buildings with canals in between. in the canals, large boats floated by. the water and buildings all have colourful tinges to them. the one inthe back seems to be underwater. it looked like strings of squished bubbles floating around. thousands of them in the background with small, tiny ladders. the whole thing had a murky green colour.
the first three had about an even amount of votes. the last had about 2 maybe 3. the guide then asked us to take a closer look at the paintings we had chosen. in the foreground of the first one, there were tree stumps. when you looked closely, there was a crying face on the stump. the buildings in the background also seemed to be oozing into the water. when you really LOOKED, you could see sad, crying faces all over the painting. the artist was expressing his/her feelings on our destruction of nature. this was not a place we would want to live in. the second one was just plain eerie when you looked. the animals were actually dead, the boys were tied to the fence and the white picket fences? barriers. the buildings in the background now had an omnious look to them. definatly did not want to live there.... third one: we now knew there HAD to be something wrong with THIS picture... the boats in the water, they were all big tankers. the water itself had a definate red colour to it. the buildings started to look like greenhouses... it was starting to look more and more like and industrialized waterworld than anything else...

finaly we came to the last one. at first glance, it had seemed dreery, dull. depressing even. but the more you looked at it, the more it became... peacefull. the bubbles started to look like little underwater houses. the green wasnt so overpowering anymore. the more you looked, the more colours and life you saw. i had no idea how i had missed it all the first time around, but it was trully amazing. i dont know what the artist wanted to say with that piece, or why it didnt have some dark side to it like the other, but it was pretty obvious at this point, if i had another choice, i'd pick THAT ONE. and i'm not just saying this because the guide wanted me to think this in the end (as i'm sure he wanted us all to), but i actually was amazed.

i wonder if you looked at anything long enough , if it would change in front of your eyes. i know some situations, that start out so so, can grow on you. and even though they werent the best thing in the world at first, the are quickly becoming so, and isnt that what counts? i dont really think this is a "dont judge a book by its cover" message, more of a... take your time. you cant see everything at once, type of message.

i want to go back to the art gallery. i havent seen all there is to see by far... there is always more to see i think. even when you think thats it, you KNOW thats it. you know it because you're there, you can tell. even when you know it like this without a doubt, there is more. you cant judge anyone because there is always more, a reason, a something... or maybe i'm full of it.

elections tomorrow, who am i going to vote for? i dunno.. will i even vote? should i make alex happy and vote for him? is he the best for the job? i dont know... maybe. who can really tell though, i cant. bleh.

it's late i think. that means i should be sleeping. because, you know... sleep is good...
and stuff...

yeah...

blogalog

well... I can actually say i'm full blown sick now... weee...

i couldnt even sleep in today, i just felt kinda shitty. so i watched hollywood homicide. mmm... josh hartnett.... i mean... *cough* what was that?

amen to that tyler, amen to that... (to both)

confused...

i went downstairs today and where there used to be a fireplace there was a hole in the wall...

how long was i sleeping?

ugh... sick...

yeah, i'm getting sick. this is when you know you're sad when you not only get miserable when you're sick, but you get miserable when you're getting sick. i am the most pathetic sick person there is. i want to do nothing but wrap myself in a blanket and stare at the tv or read or do anything else equally time wasting and requiring absolutly no energy. like right now. i have phenomenal amounts of homework, so what am i doing instead? (granted, it's not even 6 yet... although i have been home for about 2 hours)
i always know ahead of time when i'm getting sick. there's a combination of things that more often then not, result in my absolute misery. i get this weird hot and cold feeling. like, i'm shivering but my skin is boiling hot. then my nose and throat get all gross feeling, my eyes feel like they're all puffy and last but not least, my ears get plugged so that i cant hear small sounds. it's really annoying. eventually they'll start popping. alot.
oh, not to mention the whole tiredness issue.

my brother is a freakin invalid. he cant do anything. he insists i make supper. i told him her could either make it himself of starve because i wasnt moving. i mean, for christ sakes, all he has to do is put it in the oven. oh, then he makes me get up to find the damn thing in the freezer. did i mention he was blind? well he is...

My dog is weird too(to many of you, this may not come as muchof a revelation...) last night, i was in the basement room, which he is not aloud in (he nails scratch the floor. hey, these are my parent's rules, not mine) anyways, at some point during the night he wanders into the room and just stands there staring at me. i turn around and see him. i stare at him in annoyance "uuhh.... Nicky? get out?" he just looks at me. i bring out the big guns, the scary voice i use that he for some reason always listen to" Nicky, OUT!" not even a twitch. This time i'm somewhat pissed. i get up a stomp my foot as if i'm going to run at him and yell "OUT". he actually took a step towards me. i actually did run after him this time. after having successfully chased him out of the room, i turn and head back in. he follows me. i stare at him in disbelief. HE looks at me as if i had just beat him. the most pathetic face i've ever seen. so after chasing him out of the room repeatedly i drag him upstairs. actually, i more just walked up and he followed me. he followed me all of the house in fact... i realised there was some sort of storm outside, which would explain my dog's wimpy behaviour. see, my big mean dog is AFRAID of storms... if he were a person he'd totally be a fairy...

now that i've talked forever about my DOG, i'd like to give a little message. there's a little something called doscretion and MINDING YOUR OWN FREAKIN BUSINESS. oh,and people, just stop.

get it?

sometimes ihave a convesation with someone and i realise i really want to talk about the topic of the conversation at greater lenghts in my blog. unfortunatly for this person, they have to read the same drivel twice. i'm sorry.

i feel like a fraud. i think i've said this before, but now i have reasons to it. i feel like people see me as something i'm not, not necessarily through their own fault, but it's not something i intnetionally do, if i'm to blame at all... i know, that made little sense. just for the record people, i'm not really all that smart and i hardly think i'm deep. i'm not really the caregiving type and although i may act. like it, i'm not all that strong willed. i'm not funny or outgoing. i'm not studious but niether am i a total slack off. i try, but not too hard. i'm not a perfect kid yet i'm also not a rebel. i'm not any of these things, so dont think i am. i'm not special, or different from anyone else. neither am i worse. i'm... just me. this is not being falsely modest or even self-defeating.... it's actually more of a warning or a disclaimer. kind of a "dont say i didnt warn you" type of deal for when you all get it, unless you already have.

i dont know. i've been saying that alot lately.... i know there must be something that sets me appart from everyone else, despite what i said above... i mean, we all have one. that something special. it doesnt need to be something real big, just... mostly unique.

whats bothering me? nothing.... yeah, nothing. this is not the passive aggresive me speaking, this is the serious one. i'm not depressed or upset over anything. i just... dont get some things, thats all...

a few comments...

viki: you missed out on all the drama tonight.

mr. wolski: we need to have a little chat

ben: just... never again, ok?

mr. charlton: thank you for keeping me at least a BIT sane and for giving me an oppertunity to make fun of someone.

the rest of you: which one of you said my life was EASY??

tired but not...

i feel like i'm on the edge of something deep but i havent quite gotten it. it has something to do with people i think because i got the feeling when i read a few blogs. maybe it'll come to me as i go along.

my mother abbandoned us again. she is visiting her sister (then one who just had a baby) for a week. me and my brother are basically on my own. no, my dad isnt gone either, but we see so little of him on a regular basis that it's more of a "well, i guess we cant trash the house, papa WILL be home today at some point..."

some people are in favour of chosing what they want to do early on, others are in favour of never having to make a defining choice. i'd say both suck ass. i'm more in favour of the trial and error system. i mean, how else are you going to know if you will enjoy the career choice you've made. i say this as a trapped science student. i cant quit sciences yet i dont want to do this for the rest of my life... or maybe i will when i'm done and this whole wanting to run off and become an artist bit is me frustrated with the workload and me wanting to be a slacker. sigh, this is what i DIDNT want to talk about. winning about how shitty our programs are seems to be the favorite cegep student passtime. unless you're pat... stupid pat...

today was a long day. or at least it should have been. alot of my classes (that usually crawl by) went by quite fast. i dont know what it was, it wasnt any less boring... maybe it was just the company :)

hmm, it seems my "breakthrough" alert was more of a false alarm. like when you feel really sick and you run to the bathroom just in case but nothing happens. yeah like that...

you know, pleasant surprises are always so... pleasant. i thought i would have lost someone, but as it turns out, i havent. that makes me happy. very happy in fact. you know, considering i talk about what makes me happy a whole lot when in reality i dont feel like such a cheery person is kinda odd. maybe i'm one of those stewing anger types. one day i'll blow up in some big pile of ugh.

i was told not to be passive agressive. i think i'm bad at that. and not for the typical reasons either (being the "if you dont know, i'm not going to tell you" type of attitude) it's just so often something will bother me and i feel like i'm being unreasonable so i wont mention it. i can be a REALLY subtle passive aggressive when i really want to. i'm so healthy...

speaking of... health?... i'm going to eat

why isnt winning fun?

oh yeah, because i had nothing to do with it.
so here's the run down on the volleyball turnament. we get there at about 9 for our first game at ten. we realised pretty fast then we were basically the best team there seeing as how we were playing against high schools and such. first game: murdered them. second game: we won one they won one. oh, for those who dont know the rules, for ech game there are two sets. one set is up to 25 points. so we play til 25, switch sides, then play again until 25 points. third and fourth game, both wins. so in all, we played 8 sets and lost one. in all, I was on the court for about 2 1/2 of those. i played the second set of the first two games, didnt play at all the third and played about half of the first set on the last game. i wouldnt feel so bad if everyone on the team had the same thing or that they at least spent some time on the bench... but no, there were quite a few that played all 8 sets.

i'm not going to say that i deserved to play more than the others, because it would be a lie. in fact, seeing as how i was probably the worst player there, i probably deserved to play the least. it just really sucked to get all psyched up about the games and then barely get to play at all. it's not a very good feeling at all. i almost feel guuilty about just being there because then they would feel obligated to play me when they could put someone else on who would probably do a much better job at it. i could never quit though (although at some points today the idea was begenning to look not so bad). not because i love it so much, even though it usually IS fun, but because the idea of quiting is so... foreign to my brain. i cant help but feel like one of those bratty players that get pissed off when they dont get to play... but it's not that at all (although i really did have to try to not sulk and keep up a positive attitude) it's just... i love playing and i feel so useless on the bench. not to mention it's somewhat embarrassing being the onlyl one to sit out an entire game and most of another one.

i've got more to say, but it'll have to wait, i am apparently quite busy all of a sudden

hoooo boy.

you guys are in for a treat. i've got time on my hands and piles to say. so do you know what that means? yes, you guessed it. an EXTRA LONG BLOG! WOO!

my computer died for about 2 days. actually no, that's not true. it was a little longer than two days and it wasnt my computer, it was my internet.
let me tell you something about my family. in my family, parents are god. kids obey god. period. of course, god is never wrong. so whenever something breaks or goes missing, OBVIOUSLY the kids did it. for example, we are sitting watching tv. i get up to change the channel. my dad asks where the remote control is. i say i dont know. so he says "You lost it?". yes, of course. i am the only one who uses the clicker in the entire household so OBVIOUSLY (yes i know i've used that once already but i dont care) *I* lost it. my parents ACTUALLY think this way. another conversation between me and my dad:
"papa, the internet on the computers wont work"
"what did you do to it?"
"why, i inserted a deadly virus into the hard drive, what else?"

ok, so i didnt say that last one, but you get the idea. so my dad went to LA for a few days for work. almost the same day he left, the networking (for the computer illiterate: the thing that allows different computers in my house to see whats on another computer) stopped working. after that, the internet would only work on one computer at a time (it would alternate computers too). then the internet stopped working all together. apparently, the mere presence of my father keeps the computers in line. when he leaves for an extended period of time, they realise that the only person in the house that knows shit-all about compters is gone and throw a party. all we can do is poke and prod and ask them nicely to settle down and behave.

they never listen.

so anyways, having a computer without internet (and playlist too that died and i had to use actual cd's... that means MANUALLY change them every once and a while... ugh) is like... having... a body without arms... or something like that. you can still use it, but geez, whats the point? the weirdest part is that one computer would randomly regain use of the internet for about 30 seconds then die again. the only reason i knew this is because my msn would log itself on long enough for my to see everyone online and the fact that i even had a few emails then log off. like dangling candy in front of a fat kid. i mean, what the hell. (the armless, fat kids... who will i alienate next?)

i've decided that the white stripes are awesome. i know many of you have realised this before, but i must say... they kick some serious ass.

i went shopping yesterday. shoe shopping to be exact. i hate shoe shopping. hate it. i was curse with tiny feet (along with tiny everything else). but not only are they short, they're terribly narrow. oh. and i'm picky. now most shoe stores carry about one size 6 per model of shoe, if they havent sold it yet and if the shoe actually came in that size. on rare occasions you'll find a 5. sometimes i'm a 5 and sometimes a 6. often enough, the 6's dont fit. store after store, i'd find one, maybe two shoes that i like. i'd ask for the smalest size they have (usually the 6) they'd bring it out and i'd try it and.... too big.or they looked stupid on me. we went to globo. the giant shoe store. (not giant shoes but an actual big stiore). so all the women's shoes were either made for hookers or for people with ski's for feet so i checked out the kid department. there were some actually nice shoes there. so after waiting about 20 minutes for someone to come help us, i as usual, asked for a size 6 or 5. the girl brough them out. absolutly SWIMMING in both of them. so, she brings out the size 4, too big. size 3.... too big. FINALLY size 2 fits. and, as it turns out, the shoe was ugly. now, i had had this poor girl running back in forth for shoes for about 10 minutes. you really feel bad handing her back the shoes and saying "i didnt see anything i liked" then walking away, leaving her stranded amidst piles of discarded shoe boxes. luckily, i did find something i liked. so i bought it.

later on, we were wandering through the gap, looking at fall coats. find some okay ones, but nothing jumped out at me. then i saw some cool one in bright colours. then my heart stopped. i mean, came to a dead halt. there, hanging right in front of me, was an orange coat. an honnest to god ORANGE COAT. i tried it on. it fit. it had pockets. it was orange. i almost cried. my mother looked skeptical. we checked the price tag. THEN i almost DID cry. 150$. sigh.... i had to wave my dream coat goodbye.we wandered along further in the store and saw the sweater i got for my birthday. yes, the one i blabbed on about a while back. it was at about half the price my mom payed for it about a month ago. she was not happy.... however, this has given me hope about the wonder coat. all i have to do is wait awhile. and BLAM! SALE! at least... thats the plan...

oh oh!!! i get to go play volleyball tomorrow. several games at that. well.... not quite. i suspect i'll be a bench warmer. but thats okay. i'll get to play some and thats all that matters. i'm actually excited about this. so much so, that i would actually tone down the saturday night partying for it. it would just not do to be overly tired at my first volleyball game. i dont know why, but sports always make me happy. very happy in fact. sure i may gripe about early morning races or games or late night practices or the pain the next day, but it's all more than worth it. it keeps me sane. there's nothing like realising you are actually getting better. achieving something you kow you couldnt do last year or even something you coudlnt do a few weeks ago gives you the best feeling in the world. nothing esle is like it. it's the same thing with doing stuff that you are good at. soccer is awesome that way. the rush you get at burning the defence when you deek by them is insane. or with ridding. complete concentration as you head towards the jump. stay straight, not too fast, dont jerk tory(the horse) in the mouth as you go over, 2-point, slow down, make the turn, stay balanced, dont panic. all this while the back of your mind is going "holy shit, this is really high, rally fast, really dangerous and FREAKIN AWESOME!!!!" same thing with skiing... except faster and even MORE dangerous (not to mention cold). you try and concentrate on making the next turn withotu dumping speed while going full speed straight down a hill in spandex. that entirw sport is all about ignoring common sense. every nerve in your body is screaming SLOW DOWN while your brain is saying, faster, you need to go FASTER. ski jumping is awesome too. you go straight down for the very large jump in front of you. going over it is not enough. you have to push off at the last minute which gives you the pop you need to go that extra insane step. i was particularly good at it. probably because i have very little common sense. well, now that i've bored you with all the various sports i enjoy (i didnt even go near flag football...)

sigh, i have to go memorise a monologue....
wish me luck

small blessings.

volleyball is honnestly the greatest. it occupies me, gives me something more than school to look forward to, tires me out so that i can go to bed early enough (didnt work to well tonight but anyways) and lets me unwind all the pent up frustration i have building up. what frustration you might ask? well, just take my word on that one...

while waiting for my practice, i sat at subway with my supper and just wrote my little heart out. i just poured every little anger and worry and a few good things too for good measure onto paper. in my journal to be more exact. yes, not everything i write is on here, i do have a few provate thoughts. if this thing is like a fan letter, my journal is like the exclusive members only deal. members include me, myself and I. well, thats not really true, if you asked i'd probably let you read it. unless i wrote something particularly private..

i've got to stop chewing my lips... i think i taste blood

crazy

i've been saying that alot lately...

today had the potential of being a really shitty day. i spent all of it in front of a computer, writing an essay. well, to be fair, the essay would have been done a whole lot faster. then again, my day would have been a whole lot worse. see, if i had done nothing but write my essay, it would have been 3 hours of pure torture. instead, i talked to people, listenned to music, took frequent breaks to read comics... and prolonged the whole thing into 7 hours of mild discomfort. since i really had nothing else to do, it was a rather enjoyable day. crazy... (see, there i go again) maybe it's just some people have a way of uplifting my spirits (as well as distract me)

bowling. what a novel idea. one i wish to persue.

time for bed... or more conversation, either way, goodnight

oh yeah and...

i hate labels... i wish people would all just mind their own business and let me live my life as i see fit.

i know it's alot to ask but call it a special request.

the real deal.

sometimes i feel like a toy. something put there to be used and to entertain certain people when more interesting things arent going on. oh, i may be one of the "favorite toys", but i'm still just a toy.

i really shouldnt be alone tonight. i really shouldnt be alone ever, period. for someone who enjoys her privacy and long busrides alone, i'm awfully dependent on others. too much probably. tonight was odd....i realised a few things... you know that old cliche where they say a chapter of your life is over? or maybe the one where they say when one oppertunity ends, another begins. well thats true. it's nothing bad, in fact, it's probably a very good thing. but i'm just a little fazed by it all. i need to pull myself together, i'm starting to slip. just because i dont think i want to do anything with all this science junk i'm learning, doesnt mean there's no point in doing it and doing it well. i've got to stop taking classes so lightly i guess.

i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. i always associate it with something bad about to happen although when i think back, my stomach is usually screwing with me. it may all just be a result from not eating last night. i honnestly dont think i have ever been that hungry in my entire life. that i can remember anyways... i need some orange juice... i'll be right back.

and back.

i was just reminded of Cuddles. cuddles was my rabbit. my first pet. i say was because she died a few months ago. it happened all of a sudden and i spent a very tearfull few hours at the vet's office. i couldnt stop crying; i had had her for about 6 years.when you consider the fact that i'm 17, thats almost a third of my life. funny thing is, as horribly sad as i was that day, i was okay the day after. i knew it was her time; she was old. but tonight i walked by the spot where her cage used to be. i walk by the spot everyday and dont give it a second thought, but something did it tonight and i remembered her. now i feel like crying. sigh...

she is the only thing in my life that has ever died. i dont know how i would deal with the loss of anything even slightly more meaningfull in my life. arent i in a cheerfull mood tonight?

some people push my buttons. some people do it better than others. today i felt very short tempered. everything anyone did pissed me off. i always wondered what would happened if i totally let go. forgot about school, told anyone who annoyed me to piss off and so on... it wouldnt agree with me. school is what keeps me stable i think, oddly enough. it's always been there. if i knowingly blow off homework i get physically anxious. it's odd.

i feel amazingly awake for the amount of sleep i've had in the past few days. and i dont even feel all that awake at all. i just watched "Igby goes down". really cracked up movie. wasnt too bad, but really odd. i didnt understand entire plot lines (there were like 52 of them). very odd movie indeed.

i need more music. or maybe it's the mood i'm in making me not enjoy the music i have. i need sleep... i cant wait all night, i'll just get in a worse and worse mood.



and thats not good.





sigh... i really wish i were eating pizza :) heh...

ok, screw this.

ok, i wrote a blog and it (again) got erased. i got 3 hours of sleep last night and i'm in absolutly no mood to redo what little i wrote seing as how it took me long enought the first time(what with all the falling asleep all the time and such)