i tried, i really did...

i have this essay due tomorrow. 7 paragraphs. 6 1/2 down, 2 1/2 to go. plus some major editing. like... REALLY major. i told myself i wouldnt go to bed before i finished the rough draft but what i was writing stopped making sense and my eyes are narrowed to tiny slits. the sad thing is that its not even all that late...

maybe if i go to bed it'll magically write itself.
















*crosses fingers*

its all very humbling....

... and thats a good thing. i think it was about time.


im supposed to write an essay on Maggie: A Girl of the Streets, an incredibly depressing story but quite good. i enjoyed it but i dont know if i can think up 5 body paragraphs for it. geh.

its my birthday on monday. wee. 18...


im reading this book i bought on impusle at chapters. to be honnest, i was originally attracted by the cover. the story didnt seem to bad but i mostly like the cover. yeah, i know, im materialistic and shallow. so sue me. anyway, the book started out slowly and it was pretty damn sucky. then it sort of picked up. im rather... attached to it now. it has all these great tension scenes and you really just want to know what happens next. of course, its just some stupid over the top teen drama but hey.... like i said, so sue me.

back to the title... lately ive been feeling like everything is out there to humble me. or bring my feet back on the ground. i guess its a good thing. im feeling more... "normal". which means not really normal at all. just something to make my life just different enough for me to be more or less comfortable in it. i wouldnt say im happy, nor unhappy. just now i have something to qripe about... sort of. anyways, it grounds me.

ive been having these odd dreams alot as of late. they start out normal enough, some of them are even pleasant. then they end up being really creapy and messed up. i wonder what my brain is trying to tell me... i dont think dreams can tell you anything about the outside world but can tell you (in some inderect and messed up way) about yourself internally. so i wonder what its trying to say....


emily, this is your brain speaking. get a life.

blleaurrrrgh...

i feel like something crawled into my mouth and died. i just woke up from a two hours nap to an empty house. i dont know where my family is. the car is gone. there's also a note saying "viki called". i dont know how long its been there.... an hour? a day? a week? who knows...


and i re-read last nights post, the long one. what a load of whinney angst.... sheesh... feel free to ignore, thats what im doing.

my stomach is being stubborn....

so as it turns out, im not quite ready to log off yet, despite the fact that i could definitely use sleep. i really dont want to go to bed. i want to sleep, but i dont want to go to bed. everyone is busy. either doing what has to be done or talking to people they can relate to or doing something they enjoy. i have no one i can relate to and talk to. at least not here.... at least i dont think so... i supposed i could draw but it would probably be shit. (hey, no different from normal, right?). i must thank alex. at some point i was wavering on wether to drink some more or not and he convinced me not to. he was right. im just fine. the last thing i need is to be another one of those semi conscious puking drunk people that seem to pop up like magic at parties. ill just entertain myself on this nice little computer.

i wish i had my someone. you know what im talking about... that fictional someone who will just be there for me and who i WANT to be there for them. thats the trick. i need someone i care equally for. bleh. im just rambling now. no one cares about this, not even me.

earlier today we were talking about how annoying people were when they went on and on about how drunk they were and insisted on recounting just how much they had in fact consumed. tonight im trying to figure out if the one trying to convince you that they are, in fact not very drunk is more or less annoying. so far, id have to say more. or maybe its just the person and not necessarily the actions. but i cant say that, im suppose to be nice to him. someone told me this early on in the night, cant remember who... its been rather difficult since ... well... i dont know why.... im a mean person? meh... dont care anymore.


people sometimes annoy me, sometimes make me very happy. who knows anymore, who cares.



*NOTE* not responsible for anything i have writen in here tomorrow morning. i know i just wrote it but i already forget so... bleh to you.

emily is now drunk.

but does not have AP. unlike some people... she thinks this is a good thing. she was having fun and sorta still is but not really. wished people knew their limits. hopes tomorrow will be different. realises it is very early.

wants to go to bed.

needs a hug.

i am so lame...

i was bored and afraid of my homework so i updated my msn profile.

about time too...

too much thinky...

i need to go out and do something that requires no thinking. just going crazy and having fun.

this weekend should be good for that. sugar bender followed by stress free drinking with the old "gang". we havent done that in a while.. should be cool.

i had a perfect ending to a boring day. driving in a car so loud that it allows no conversation really fast down a highway with the windows open and the sun in the face. not to mention the rockin tunes. it was very cool.

very cool indeed

in your FACE stupid study.

em = one happy camper.



so there.

if this aint funny, i dont know what is.

i was reading the newspaper today when i came accross something highly amusing. im sure you'll agree.

a study has shown that people who keep journals are in general less happy than people who dont. they dont know if its because unhappy people are more likely to keep journals or if its because journals makes you unhappy, thats the next step in the study.

i just think its funny in our age of blogs/livejournals.

no wonder we are the angst generation.

damn you blogger, damn you to hell!! *shakes fist*

i wrote a very bitter post about how my last comment about changing perspectives on life was a load of artistic bull... i wrote a bunch of other bitter stuff which i cant remember.





erasing my bitter blog made me even more bitter... at least now i have someone to talk to though... so i guess im less bitter...

5 bloody minutes.

my father cant even wait that long for me.
now, i shall be god knows how late.




what a great start to a monday morning.

sunshine.

i took the dog for a walk today.

it started out looking like my most productive accomplishment of the day would be doing the dishes. the i talk to pat and he told me he went hiking. at this point i looked around my dark basemen to my sunny backyard and thought... this is ridiculous. so i got dressed (yup, hadnt even done that yet) and headed out with the old nickster.

it was so amazingly beautiful out... i managed to find some of the little woods left near my place and it took some looking to find. but in the end, it was worth it. it was that time of day where everywhere there were soft shadows dotted with bright splashes of light. it was a simple feild of weeds and nondescript bushes but i just wanted to share it with the world. i wished i had someone who would come out with me and love it just as much. in the end being alone in it all was just fine, but i still wish i had a camera. just... the colours. it wasnt even " breathtaking", it was just so nice in the fact that it was so simple. i cant explain it, ill just have to settle with "you had to be there."

your favorite season is up there with asking for your favorite colour or band. i could never figure out my favorite season until now. i dont have one ive realised, i just love the transition times. i love the first sunny days with a cool wind, walking by some trees with a cold nose and a warm coat. thats summer to fall. i love the first day of snow, the sound the snow makes when its falling on a winter night or even the way it looks in the sun when its fresh. thats from fall to winter. and i love the first really warm day, the first time you ride the bus home with the window open, seing the ice thaw and water running in streams for the first time in months. thats winter to spring. and last, i love the first long walk along the canal at ngiht wearing nothing but a t-shirt, or reading barefoot in the grass in my backyard or the first night to sleep with the window open over my head. thats spring to summer.
any one season gets long after awhile and when im in one i always want the other. the transition periods are what really make me happy or get me excited. all the things i was just talking about are actually things that remind me of those times. i always get a refreshing feeling of renewal right around now.
now im ready for a new outlook.

added peice

everyone's talking about it, everyone has an opinion...


you know whats funny? i think i may have had fun last night. does that make me a bad person, or a shallow one? this is, of course, before things went to shit. but i had fun. i saw all kinds of people i sorta knew in a completly new environment. it wasnt the drinking, it wasnt the people publicly embarrassing themselves or the overall desensitizing of the senses, but really just the chance to talk to all these new people, however breifly. i dont understand why though... in the past a situation like that would have been scared out of my mind of all the people and completly intimidated into a little corner on my own. it scary how much that has changed and how close i came to fitting in. does that make me one of "them" that everyone keeps talking about? ill have to think on that one... anyways, i need to catch up on the sleep i missed out on the other night.

things to say...

well... um... that was... different?

i was considering just not having a party for my 18th and after last night, im pretty much convinced not to.

another thing is, if you cant control your drinking, dont drink. and if someone is already drunk, dont shove a beer in her hands and start yelling "CHUG CHUG" because chances are, they dont know that they have had enough. actually, if when you start drinking, you repeat to yourself that you will not go past that point of "having fun" and go into that point of "not knowing how to stand", youre much less likely to go that far. its one thing if drinking yourself silly just meant you passed out in some out of the way place but thats not the case. people have to take care of you and pick up the mess your throwing up self made. not to mention make sure you dont die of FUCKING ALCOHOL POISONING!!!

another thing is, sometimes you want to help. but sometimes you have to realise that your presence is NOT necessarily needed, especially if you're drunk no matter how "okay" you think you are. you leaving graciously is one less thing to worry about, we dont need the swearing and the indignation. also, standing in the doorway, oggling and asking "is she okay?" is NOT helping. its being annoying. hmm, remind me to thank that red head girl whos name i dont remember and who i didnt really like. she was very good last night. but enough of that...



all i wanted for my cousins birthday was for her to have fun. and i know that didnt happen... i cant even start to say how bad i feel about that. if there was ever a person who deserved a night to let loose and not have a care in the world its her. the fates were not kind... have you ever wanted to help someone so baddly, just make them look at you and realise that things will be okay, that is almost hurt? i wish people in the world werent so stupid and knew when to back off. i wish i knew the anwser that would make things better. is it better to stay or to go? most of the time i dont know... i just wish things could have gone differently, alot differently. maybe tonight can make up for it.

on the plus side, i now know what to do if i suspect someone has alcohol poisoning...heh ... yeah, i know... thats a shitty plus side...

skirts are fun.

lately ive been thinking about some things ive written in here. and of some of the people who read this. people i really dont know and normally wouldnt tell them some of the stuff in here. a person who read this and didnt know me would think that im a really open person, which i dont really think i am. sometimes i wish i could just go back and erase everything from everyone's mind so they wouldnt know anything about me. or at least find out about them so its even.... or something...


just a thought.

a few things....

number one, sleeping 12 hours does wonders when you have a cold.

number two, we won a soccer game. we came in third in our pool of four teams in the finals this year which mean we are done for the year. our first two games we lost 6-0 (they end the game at a 6 point lead, a pity loss as jasmine calls it). so our third game, our numbers had dwindled to 9 (11 supposed to be on the feild) against a team we usually are about equal to on normal standards. we were all standing there, none of us even THINKING about winning, thinking, hey, who cares anymore? its our last game, lets just screw with our positions and play for the hell of it. after about 10 minutes, we had spent the entire time within shooting distance of THEIR net, i looked at my teamate and said "whats going on?" confusedly. she looked back and shrugged. the we score. 3 times. i still dont get it. but im not complaining.... oh, i should add, they only had 10 players. so they only had one more than we did.

number three, our "kitchen" (aka big empty room) now has hardwood floor.... yay?

number four, Happy Birthday Micheal!


and yeah... thats about it...











hey.... orangy...

my tummy's a rumblin'

tyler responded to my last post about dreams in her blog. unfortunatly, i was kinda going for the opposite.

i had a terrible dream (so i guess you'd call it a nightmare) and was feeling thouroughly freaked out, disgusted and just generally depressed about it. i could tell myself that the actual FACTS didnt happen, but the general feeling was still there. i suppose i could pull out some metaphorical crap about how that represents life or relationships or whatever if i was feeling particularly inspired but im not. ha.


sometimes you get to the point where you wonder why you hang out with a certain friend. but then comes a day where they can completly transfore the mood your in by simply being them. of course the same person can always change your mood for the worse but the trick is to find someone who does it positively more often than negatively.

ugh.is it a bad sign when you go to bed because you just dont feel like being awake? heh, thats sounds so emo and drama-queen ish.

thats me, the emo drama-queen

the irony of this statement is that just yesterday i was thinking about how i internalize my emotions. i generally dont show when im nervous. inside im a nervous wreck, but unless i consciously decide to show my dervousness... anyways, the reason i thought of this is because the other day i was driving down notch road with my mom (or rather, she was driving) at night. my mother hates driving at night because she says she has bad vision in the dark. now she was driving kind of fast and i was starting to wonder just HOW bad her vision was. i guess i was starting to get a little nervous. i noticed though that my hands werent clenched on the bottle in my hands, nor was i sitting up straight and starting at every jolt. i was slouched and slack as usual... i really didnt get it. at one point i almost convinced myself that we were going to run into a tree. but even at the last minute, i didnt say anything. so i got to thinking... if i WAS to get in a car crash, would i yell out at the last second? or would i just stare at the tree until i came crashing into it. how good would i be in a crisis situation? im not so sure. maybe the lack of emotion is more just me freezing up and not bein able to react with the situation around me. i can only remember a handful of occasions where i yelled out in real anger. and most of those times was because i felt the person need to know how i felt and not because i actually needed to yell. you guys wont care about this, but my riding teacher old me i was the only person asides from herself who could ride a specific horse in her barn. im by far not the best rider and i wont fool myself into thinking i am. it just that this horse is extremely high strung and tenses up when you do. half the trick to riding her is knowing how to keep her from freaking out and cantering away with you. i guess maybe thats why i can ride her... even though i may be freaked out that this horse is going WAY too fast, she cant physically feel it so SHE doesnt think there is something to be afraid of (to which the proper response would be run like the wind). anyways, this had nothing to do with anything and im sorry for wasting your time on it.

i guess sam spoke too soon when he said my blog was getting funnier and more interesting...

im glad its raining.

i feel like shit. not just physically either. and for no reason that i could tell you at all.

i know dreams arent real, but sometimes they can have an impact despite that.

i wish i didnt have to go to school...

ok so im annoying...

have you ever wanted to whine about something but know that you really have no right to whine about that and that in fact, you really have nothing to whine about at all? im kind of in that position. in fact, when i really think about it, there really isnt anything WRONG with my life. the only reason i want to whine is because then at least it would give me an excuse to feel sorry for myself. which i cant even do because there is nothign to feel sorry about. it would also give me something to think about. the truth of the matter is, there is nothing really going on in my life. at the moment i am surviving off of the events in other people's lives. but they are all busy people so more often then not, i end up by my lonesome. even here i cant be self pitying because i dont mind being alone (most of the time). the thing is, with all of this nothing going on and being alone alot, my life isnt terribly interesting. in fact, its rather boring. im not trying to look for sympathy because even i dont think i need it. ive seen other people get bored with their lives and as a result start to hate everyone for never changing. im not really angry though... i dont even mind people not changing. they seem happy enough, so where's the problem. like someone told me, i need to make changes in my OWN life. i cant make my happiness depend on the lifes of others... especially in a situation like this. right now im really just kind of in limbo. im doing okay. im just wondering how long i can last like this before it goes from bored to depressed. but i dont think it'll go that far, i wont let it get out of hand (famous last words).
im trying to not just sit back and wait for something to happen to shake things up. the idea is for me to make that happen. i dont quite know HOW, but thats another matter. even though i dont WANT to wait for it, i really wish i would just happen.

this sounds stupid but i like hanging out with guys. i like being the one girl with "the guys". ESPECIALLY when its with close friends and i dont get into this whole playing up to the "maybe" guy. if you dont get that part, i wont explain it. sigh... its sad, because its true. with guys i dont really know, in a small group situation, i will do that. as someone once told me, my vice is guys.

vice

A slight personal failing; a foible: the vice of untidiness.
A flaw or imperfection; a defect

its true, they are my weak spot. im terrible with dealing with them when things get serious. i will temporarily fall for most guys who show me the least bit of attention. its really quite pathetic. then i realise that i dont have real feelings for them other than friendship and am stuck with the situation of not wanting to hurt a friend. see? TERRIBLE.





gah, i need to go to bed before i make me hate myself... im already disgusted, lets not round it up to hate...

**i wrote that last night and was unable to post it because blogger has a personal vandetta against me. thats right, its PERSONAL. if i had written the post tonight it would have been a whole lot more bitter and angry. losing 6-0 to a bunch of cocky 15 year olds will do that to a girl. (its not so much the losing, its the fact that my little toe has more sportsmanship and decency than that entire team put together.)

bang bang BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!

now read that out loud into a megaphone for about 3 hours into someones ear and that person MIGHT get an idea of what my morning was like. sleeping in wasnt really all that worth it... i would have been better off going to school early. which is what im going to do anyways. ugh... this place is giving me a headache...



bang bang bang bang BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!

*cries*
it just wont stop...

that aint right...

i just spent the last 2? maybe 3? hours fixing my purse. my back, neck and hands hurt because of it. I did a shit job at it too :D


i reeeeeaaaally hate sewing.

french movies dont make sense... nor are they funny. okay, sometimes they are, just not this one.

its 12:30am and i just finished my multiple perspectives drawing of a chair, and let me say, with complete modesty, that it ROCKS. like.. alot. at least, i like it. and for some reason, the drawings i like most, people tend to not like as much. oh well. anyways, its late, my jaw hurts and wont close and i need to go to bed.

and alex, yes, i DO blame you.

i wish i could see the stars...

i just watched a report on cbc news. they interviewed member of a family linked to osama bin laden. the son had severed his ties with family. the mother and her daughter (both covered head to foot with a narrow gap for the eyes) were also interviewed. i watched as they rationalized sept. 11th. oh, they agreed that it was terrible that inocents had to die, but to them it was just collateral. it is something incredibly odd and frightning to watch, someone who sympathises and respects the people who did it.

i dont know guys... to me, the world just got a little crazier.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

i moved to the basement, got over my fear of the contractors. gained a new fear. fear of the house falling in my head. if you were here, you'd understand. it sounds like there is an elephant with a hammer having a temper tantrum up there. and my dog is not covered with shit, he is SMEARED with it. this is going to be an interesting day...


(by the way, i have so far seen two contractors, neither of them the head contractor who i have previously met when he came for the estimates, contract signing blah blah blah. one of them has long dirty blond hair that comes about halfway down his back and gives me dirty looks when i walk by. i smile a hello and he looks away. the other one, who i saw breifly smiled when i did, so he doesnt scare me as much...)

in the jungle the mighty jungle....

im alone in a house with a bunch of people who are tearing up my kitchen. i say a bunch because i dont know how many there actually are. im afraid to go downstairs, especially in my pyjamas... however, i will have to at some point or another since i need to clean up my dog. im told he ran off this morning and came back covered in dog crap. i have not seen this yet for myself since i have not gathered the courage to face the people who are destroying my household but my mother(who has vanquished her fear of potentially burly men in her home and has been downstairs( and has left her firstborn alone for that matter...)) swears it is true. i must also confront the disaster that is my room for it has indeed become a disaster. she claims she can no longer walk through it (being not as fleet of foot as i) and therefore shall no longer venture into its depts any longer. i considered testing this claim until i remember that she on occasion brings me clean garnments and i am not ready to relinquish this priviledge. and so, the wild bedchamber must be taimed. i had also planned to venture into school today (since i apparently like school now) but if i am unable to leave the top floor of my house this seems like it could be a problem. that and i just might not have time to. either or... of to shower and make merry!



(i keep hearing these sounds that i GUESS are normal when people are ripping out half your house but still... many of them are worrying...)