hello blog, how are you?

ive been... well. thank you for asking.

i felt i needed to take a short somewhat introspective break from my friendly neighbourhood blog. or at least from serious posts. im trying to learn from myself, or learn about myself. its sounds cliche but im trying to figure out who i am. enh well...


so far ive come up with this: im bipolar. not very encouraging but we'll see. one day ill feel... almost on top of the world. like im walking through it and seing it all through wonderfully fresh eyes and its just all so big and i want to lose myself in it and see everything with open eyes. the very next day i will see this very large world and feel completely isolated from it and very alone. it honnestly changes from day to day. today was... okay. it was a mix of both. i felt nauseous all day, i couldnt eat my lunch. my solution? eat nachos when i get home. smart emily, smart.

last night i was on the bus home at about 9-ish. i was reading the adventures of hucklebery finn. we were about at the park-o-bus part of the trip when a man, sitting behind me, leans over and asks loudly "what the fuck kind of language is that?". now, it just so happens that this man was black and huckleberry finn contains alot of liberal use of that hated "N" word. so i thought he was going to give me a hard time about it. but no, he had just noticed the odd dialect used. he was quite drunk i think, my nose isnt very good but think i could smell beer on his breath. he struck up a "conversation" with me (i could only catch about half of it, the rest was incohearent mumbling). i didnt want to anger the drunk man especially since i had about another 30 minutes on the bus and i didnt want them to be spent talking down a raging drunk guy. so i was pleasant, smiled, and litenned to whatever it was he had to say. im still not sure if it was the right choice, but im not sure what esle i could have done. anyways, long story short, advances were made (to go out for coffee sometime), then gently rejected and he kept asking why? followed by "please?" and it was all very upseting in general. eventually my bus stop came and i had to get off and i told him so. he asked when he would see me again (i was standing at the door at this point). there had been talking on the bus before that and i was aware that everyone had stoped their conversations and were staring at us. it was very quiet. i just shrugged with an appologetic smile and made my retreat. as i jumped from the bus and hurried away i had one thought in my mind "dont follow me off, dont follow me off.."

he didnt.

i was still on edge the entire 10 minute walk home in the dark.

the entire situation just kind of... freaked me out. i dont know if there was a better way to handle the situation. i suppose i could have given the guy a fake number...

anyways, these are the type of things that happen that just widden my eyes on the world. everyone has this 'superman' feeling. like... oh, that would never happen to me. or if it did, i would be able to get away. and even though i know this, i still am convinced that had the guy followed me off the bus i WOULD have been able to get away (i had a plan all worked out). probably nothing WOULD have happened but you have to wonder just what exactly has to happen before you lose this feeling of 'untouchableness'.

food for thought is all...



we watched a movie in class today. it was about an artist, spencer was his first name, and one of his projects. he travelled across the states taking nude photos of people in urban settings. the pictures were quite beautiful and more movie than you would expect. the movie followed him throughout his travels and interviewed a few of his models. the word they all kept using was "liberating". not one of them had any regrets afterwards. these were all just regular people he asked in the street. one of the models, a 65 year old man, said something along the lines that when you are naked you are at your most anonymous, your most nondescript. anyways, the whole idea of the project was ... i dont know... moving. well, as movie as anything can be at 8 in the morning on a monday.

im in the art program. i think i could pull the whole thing off technically. but artistically... i dont think i have any vision. i dont have a message to tell the world...i dont have anything to insipire in the world. i want to touch someone, or even better, someones.
i just have nothing to touch them with....