Unfortunately, there is not a whole lot of positivity in this post.

I think that lately I've been shutting myself off from the world. It has been frighteningly easy. It's not like I'm avoiding phone calls and making up excuses, I've just stopped trying. And apparently so has everyone else. And I understand. When I think about people I care about feeling ignored I feel like a bad friend, but then I go back to pretending there isn't a world out there. I've thought of calling up friends but all I had to talk about was how shitty I felt and truth be told, I spend enough time thinking about that already.

I used to think I'd grown from my awkward teenage self into a confident person with the help of loving friends. But I think what really happened was that I surrounded myself with people who made me feel good about myself so I never had reason to lack confidence. Now that these happy interactions are limited, I'm forced to rely on my own self esteem. Which, as it turns out, I have little of. Lately I'm able to convince myself that basically everyone I run into thinks I'm a complete idiot. From my french customers that I'm unable to speak to without stuttering and mumbling, to my coworkers who I'm unable to connect with, to my drawing class where everyone has so much to talk about as long as its not with me, to the people on the metro who are clearly staring at my sourpuss face and bad hair.

Today was a good day. I told my drawing prof that his class gave me anxiety. I don't know why I said that, clearly I really need someone to blurt out the embarrassing details of my life to. The ironic part is that I would not have told him this if I weren't having a good day. If I was having yet another shitty day, I would have mumbled my way through the interview, told him everything was awesome, and hightailed it outta there as soon as I could.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Something has changed fundamentally in my life and I can't really put my finger on what exactly. I can't even say if the change itself is good or bad, all I know is that it hasn't really affected me in any positive way.

My last drawing assignment was supposed to be about something we couldn't make up our mind about. I had to laugh. The list is a LOT shorter the other way around....