Mark this night.

im in a good mood. thats why you should mark this night, there havent been much of them as of late. as it turns out, i enjoy my family. maybe being stuck with them for a week wont be so bad. i'll give myself until day 4 before i want to kill them all. im being optamistic.

things of note:
-im drinking an orange juice and vanilla ice cream float. its quite tasty.

-today my parents bought me a new ski suit. it is the last ski suit they will ever buy me. it was a momentous occasion. my mother said it felt like she was buying mea going away present. the deadline ive set for myself is to, one way or another, bugger off after the next school year. so i have a little over a year to enjoy my freeloading and still being a kid. after that, its real world time, being an adult, paying the bills... grocery shopping... laudromats... tune in later to see if my release into the wild brings forth bloodshed or thrivingness (new words are fun)

- my brother and i have concocted an exciting new project. its all very hush hush. tune in soon for advancements on the plot. actually it should be very lame considering it was my mom's idea. oh well. we shall see
...




(the suspense is killing you, i can tell)

-i think im cutting back on the drinking... i know ive said this before and its always come crashing down around me but... i dont know. again, we'll see. its something i would like to do for myself.

man this float rocks. like... hardcore.

matters of the heart perplex me. its something ive noticed in myself and in others but since im exposed to myself much more than other people, i tend to notice it more in me. (random thought: i wish i were funnier) you would think that if its in YOUR head, and you are basically generating these thoughts/feeling/impulses/whatever that they would at least make sense. but when you sit down and think of the thins you strive for, and lets be honnest, the people we try to be with and what have you, its just a mess. a does not lead to be and when they do its for the sole purpose of contradicting c. im sure you know what i mean. let me elaborate. i shall, this night, examine the inner workings of the hormone invested chaotic mind of the average adolescent/young adult. people, this is like examining angst at its very core. i predict i will get nowhere.

now when one start to feel the familiar dreaded/covetted squishy feeling in the stomach sometimes called the common "crush" there are several factors to consider before you can actually say you indeed like this person as a person and not for some confused slurr of feelings. first, consider: are you desperate. seriously. are you so desperatly looking for any (and for the sake of conversation lets make it male since... well.... its easier for ME that way) remotely interesting, funny, entertaining and (lets face it) goodlooking fellow out there that you would jump on the one who comes even CLOSE to whatever standards you have set for yourself. now by desperate i dont necessarily mean do you just want to jump his bones. if you do indeed just want sex... well... you're in luck! its surprisingly easy to get! but im not talking about that. is it possible that you feel shitty about yourself and need a "conquest" under your belt and the squishy feeling is simply the call of the hunt. obviously the need to pat yourself on the shoulder is not exactly a noble one and you're a disgusting person for thinking and should, for the good of humanity, be neutored. im joking. no one is perfect. you cant control how you feel but you can control how you act. tip: do not get into a "thing" when you fit the above mention category. and if you do or have in the past.... well.. heh. learn from it. i have a feeling im rambling.

moving on. the next feeling that can be mistaken for genuine "like" is another type of desperation. perhaps you need validation. someone to tell you you're great and worht their time. thats fine and all but if thats all you have, it quickly becomes unsatisfying. next there is the need to fit in. perhaps all your friends have significant others or at least put alot of importance in getting one. maybe you're pressured into getting into something you rather stay away from. i like to do things for myself personally... maybe you want the stability and security of a relationship... maybe you just dont know how to say no when someone asks you out. maybe you got bored. maybe its purely physical. maybe you dont actually like the person but the idea of them. maybe you have them marked as your saviour. that one is kind of a combination of the above. maybe you were drunk...


either way, any of those reasons are terrible escuses to get into a relationship. now you can see how with all these crazy confusing emotions needs blah blah blah why the teenage generation is so angtsy. they cant figure out their own heads, how are they supposed to figure out the world? okay so after all these BAD reasons to get into a relationship, whats a GOOD one? ..... beats me. i am part of he afore mentioned generation. im the angst queen. all i can think if are reasons not to persue people. then i forget the reasons, make a stupid decision, and reinstate the reasons. its like the elite club. when you're out, you can wait to get in. when you're in its.. well, this aint so great. lets go home.

in conclusion, these are all excuses i make up to distract myself from the fact that i dont actually have a CHOICE in my single status at this point in time. enh well... what can you do?

be angsty!!!