About time I suppose...

You know, I think that in some situations I like being told what to do. I find it comforting to have guidance. To a certain extent I've always felt safest with people who have taken control of situations. Looking back on it, I can see I've always felt this way.

I'm not sure what the difference is lately... either I'm rejecting out of hand what people tell me what to do or I disagree or I'm finding myself in more situations that others can't guide me through. I think it's good for me to try and make my own decisions. Of course I've always made my own choices but it was generally within the advice of my friends and family. Going outside that advice makes me anxious, unsure and probably defensive. I'm just talking myself in circles here...

I can't decide what's worse... Decisions that are 100% within my control or one completely out of my hands. I'm just thinking out loud here. I don't really know.

Montreal is a special place, it reaaaally knows how to fuck with you. And no, that's not a statement I care to elaborate on. Move here and you'll figure it out yourself.

And this is why I've kept this blog for so long. I want to look back at this in two years and think... what the fuck was she talking about?? I read back at my posts from 3 years ago and am thoroughly embarrassed of them. But that's why I keep them around. Whenever I feel like shit about my life and where it's going I just read a few old posts. It's amazing how much I've changed in so short a time. I want to know who I'll be in 5 years. I want to know what things I'll stick with and what things I'll drop. I want to know the events that will affect me. But most of all, I want to know that I won't be the person that I am today. Not because I have a big problem with me, but because I think growth is one of the most important things a person can do.

Hah... I want to know if I'll think that that last statement was total bullshit.

This thing is good. I like this whole thinking dump business. I feel better.