and to think...it started with a pair of gloves..

Once again I have chosen a project for artX that started out sounding not only interesting but simple to finish. Of course, it has turned into a tedious disaster. As a result, I'm up at 3 in the morning quite literally watching paint dry. Kill me now.

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I'll only touch on the biggest events I guess, I don't really remember the rest.

I'll be going tree planting. For two months near Winnipeg. That's right, Winnipeg. Of all places I thought I'd spend two months of my summer, Winnipeg was not even near the list. It hit me today that I'd be in a different time zone, which somehow makes the event more significant. I'll be going without anyone I know which both makes me glad and uneasy. It'll give me the opportunity to meet new people but what if there is no connection and we have no interest in talking to one another? The thought of 2 months with no friends, new or old, is somewhat daunting. I'm also worried about how much strain my body can take... I'd like to think that I can will it to do anything, and maybe I can, but I have a feeling that this is just wishful thinking. And most important of all, I hope I come out of this with money. And lots of it. I liked not working while in school and hope I can keep that up next year, which, of course, requires money.

So yeah, I'm worried about all that but excited about an experience of a lifetime.

In grades 7 and 8 I was more or less bullied. I say more or less because it was half hearted, they didn't care enough to put full out effort into it. I just remember it so well because it was the majority of the interaction I had with my classmates. Anyways, I got out of that shitty deal and went to Philemon Wright and kind of... fixed myself. Or at least my self esteem. Basically, through the support of amazing friends and being surrounded by a mostly positive environment, I gradually became the person I am now. This weekend I had the... well... I'm going to say "opportunity" for now... of speaking to the people who gave me hell about 7 years ago. Now considering I grew out of the person I was before, I assumed they had as well. Not so. Long story short, things got ugly. I'm not going to go into details about what happened exactly partially because they've been discussed to death at this point and partially because I'm not entirely sure how things went so wrong so fast. The short version is: They were assholes, we retaliated, everyone was drunk and things escalated.

Now. What is to be learned from this. First, I have amazing friends. I didn't want anyone else to get pulled into this, I'd feel guilty if anyone else was hurt. But it's comforting to know that some people, like Viki and Lily, will step up and be just as furious as though the offense had been done to them personally. Well... eventually they were personally offended plenty, but that's besides the immediate point... I know I shouldn't be endorsing anger and aggressive behavior, but fuck it, I'm glad that Viki smacked in the face and I'm glad Lily gave his friend a dressing down. Does it make me a bad person? Could not care less. Eventually arguing the morals of a situation becomes pointless and you just need to tell an asshole to step off.

Second, I now know what it is like to feel a true violent impulse. Never before have I more wanted to break someones face, regardless of the consequences. In the end I didn't and I'm not sure why. The intent was there and I certainly was in no place to contemplate if it was "right" or not... I think it just comes down to I wasn't provoked quite far enough. I have conflicting emotions about this... I am, for the most part, glad I didn't hit him. I know I would think less of myself for giving into irrational impulses and for not dealing with the situation in an intelligent way. It would also be hard to think of myself as the victim in this situation when I threw the first punch. Basically, to be cliche, I would be going down to his level. This is the part where I thank other friends who tried to mediate and intervene when things got heated. I apologize that I can't name names on this one, but all I remember are arms pulling me away when I shoved someone or a body between me and whatever it was I was trying to destroy. I thank you for keeping a calm and collected head and for not letting me do anything stupid.

On the other hand... A lot of the comments aimed to Viki, lily and I throughout the affair were meant to demean us as weak irrational females, which just makes the feminist blood in me boil. I can't help but feel like it would serve the cocky little bastard right to have his nose broken by a "weak female". I'm not stupid, I know if we were alone he'd probably destroy me if I tried that, but there were enough people around us that at most he'd land a punch or two, which I can deal with. A part of me would take great satisfaction in knowing that I had stood up for myself and my friends and possibly given the prick something to remember me by. Maybe, MAYBE even given him reason to reconsider picking fights with people he thinks he can walk all over. Although that one is unlikely...

In the end, I now understand how fights start and how quickly you can get carried away. I get upset when people miss the point of this story and say things like... "he hit a girl???" or "whatever, you guys were just drunk". Me being a girl had nothing to do with how things started or how we reacted. Yes alcohol played a big role, but it only amplified whatever emotions we had, it didn't change them. I'm angry at myself for just breaking down at some point, although I understand I was justified in the emotion. It just pisses me off that he (and the rest of the goddamn bar) had the satisfaction of seeing me cry and scream like a crazy person. On the other hand, I'm glad that there are some people in the world who, without any real ties to me whatsoever, will take the time to make me feel normal at the end of an emotional outbreak like that.

So now I have this written down, it has been officially documented. I don't know if it was especially entertaining to anyone but I'm glad to get it officially out of my system. We've talked about it a lot (it's not everyday that we get into near bar-brawls) but I think I needed to write it down for myself. Well I think I've rambled on for long enough.

Besides, I need to go back to watching paint dry.