Once again, I should be sleeping but here I am instead. Too many thoughts on my mind makes it so that whenever I close my eyes, all that happens is that my head goes off on this ranting monologue. Unless I write it down it just continues until it runs into a loop. I suppose it refines itself every time I repeat it in my head but I'd rather have it out of the way.
I'm realizing that I could probably happily devote all my time to any one of my 5 classes this semester. They all interest me on a deeper level, but when I'm forced to deal with them on a superficial level they're mostly tedious. As it is now, I'm often spending 10-12 hours days at school just to keep up. When I take an hour off at lunch I feel guilty if I don't spend it reading. If I come home at 10 I feel guilty if I go to bed right away. I resent my body for needing 8-9 hours of sleep. 5 or 6 would be so much more efficient. After 2 weeks of this I've realized that there is absolutely no point to me taking 5 classes at once. While I'm sure I'll do alright in most if not all of my classes, I feel like I could be getting so much more out of them if I didn't have to rush through all my assignments.
Honestly, what am I in such a hurry for? Why is it essential that I complete my bachelors in exactly 3 years? What am I rushing towards? Absolutely nothing. I have no plans. At least none that rely on my graduating "on time". I think this will be my last semester with 5 classes. There is seriously no point to it. The degree itself means very little to me (and to the rest of the world...), it's mostly about the experience, so I guess I should actually experience it.
My substitute teacher in painting last week felt very strongly that I should take the summer off and just paint. He suggested I find a quiet lake somewhere and just paint everyday. I love this idea so much. I am considering ways to make this possible. So far I've come up with very little, but I have a feeling it will float around in the back of my mind for a while. Complications include: money, location and ... uh... money.
With all this schoolwork my back has become a massive ball of owie. I need a massage, STAT.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm missing something when it comes to relationships. I don't understand how I can be so happy and so wary at the same time. Is trust supposed to just happen between people or are you supposed to make and effort to trust someone because you know they care about you? If your partner doesn't confide in you, should you make them? Should you wait? Is this one of those things that you're supposed to let happen as the relationship grows or is this one of those first hurdles that you're supposed to tackle head on? I think part of my past relationship problems comes from my inability to understand when I should let things happen naturally and when I should make things happen (I'm wandering away from the trust issue here and into more general stuff...). I think I'm forceful when I should be patient and patient when I should be forceful. Right now I don't even know which I am because I keep second guessing myself.
Ugh. This is EXACTLY what I said I wouldn't do this time, the whole over-analyzing crap. The second-guessing. I'm trying so hard to stop being so analytical. I'm just trying to let myself have emotional responses to all these things. I catch myself thinking "is this a feeling based purely on emotion or something you've come to rationally?". I don't even know when I'm acting purely on impulse anymore. I think the only time I can trust myself to blurt out pure unrehearsed feeling is when I'm in hysterics. Clearly this is a state I avoid at all cost.
Do you see Self? This is what happens when you drink too much coffee and read about politics right before going to bed. There's a lot here that I'm not sure I want random people reading. I have no idea who reads this anymore, so half of this (the relationship half) might not be here in the morning. We'll see.
Despite all this mumbo-jumbo I'm happy. (holy crap, I can't even let that one slide. My immediate thought is: are you really happy or are you just saying that because you don't want to allow yourself the chance to realize you're unhappy and the implications that come with that. Which is stupid because I know there's nothing for me to be upset about unless I start looking for it. And why the fuck would I want to do that? Fuck it, I'm happy) I know I feel guilty saying that. I feel like I should excuse myself. Note to self: just don't think about it.
Yeah, I dunno about this anymore. This post is significantly longer and more honest than I have originally intended it to be. I don't know how I feel about that...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
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8 comments:
Experience my ass. The whole entire notion that University is an experience kind of pisses me off. I don't want to pay money for an "experience" - I want to get something in return. A bachelors is the mandatory requirement for employment now, and ironically enough that is the only reason I feel the need to be in University. I am learning amazing things in my History classes, and I am incredibly thankful to be in University but if I think about exactly what I have learned – it is only shit repeated to me through texts I could have read myself, or biased opinions about said texts from the “Doctors” who teach me.
(It still boggles my mind how you can be leading scholar in a subject where the job you have is the only one available. How can someone be an expert, and supposedly have "experience" in a field when all you have ever done is teach that subject? What fucking experience?)
Yeah, an experience is something, but who is that to anyone else? Why do you need to pay to have a personal experience that you could achieve by a lake somewhere painting water lilies or some other overdone art trite? Or by reading a damned book? I refuse to believe my artistic peak will be spent in a class room at the VA with a teacher who is either too confining, or direction-less. I made my unemployed bed when I chose my major, but I would like to think I could have a chance at receiving something a little more than an "experience."
Sorry, that was all ranty and bitchy, but note the time. I also had another page written (I swear) but I decided that that was enough.
I think you and Rhonda both make valid points on certain issues brought up about art school. That would be interesting to discuss in person.
As for the relationship part, if you ever want my opinion -- what you should push for/what you should be patient about -- I'll certainly tell you, but as this was a tired rant to just get it off your chest [and I'm not sure how much you really want opinions] I will hold my tongue.
p.s. I'm happy you're happy. :)
I really really like this post emily. Because you described perfectly how I constantly feel, and it gives me fucking...comfort. Thanks.
Dear Rhonda,
I don't think I could get the same experience just from painting water lilies or reading a book. That's why I'm here, not to be told WHAT to think necessarily but to be told to think. Personally I don't think a BFA SHOULD train me for a job. I made my peace with that when I switched out of sciences 3 years ago. Anyways, we can argue more about this later. I want to know what's on the other page.
Dear Laura,
I value you advice/thoughts on any matter and would love to hear about it. We'll have to make a night of it along with Rhonda.
Dear anonymous,
I'm glad my ramblings brought you comfort. AT least they're good for something....
Moi 'si, moi 'si, I want in on said night.
Whenever we get together as a group, we rarely ever seem to talk about our own lives on any kind of useful level. We usually, and I'm definitely not against this, talk about random stuff unrelated to us personally and usually end up with a great think tank situation. Better never personally relevant. I understand why this is the situation, too, obviously. Most of us are at least a little secretive with our personal lives and the possibility of judgment and hurt that may result from an open conversation about any one person's personal life is rather high. Nevertheless, I wish it would happen more. I always have.
Let's do eet, bbs.
"bbs"? Your internet lingo is nonsense.
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