Too many halves.

I've just read through the last handful of posts I've written and have realized that according to this blog, I'm a pretty negative person. Which is strange, because whenever I get down, I think nostalgically back to that time when I was happy. According to this blog, that time never existed.

truthfully, I know that I generally write here when I'm feeling conflicted. It's a great way to organize my thoughts. It would seem that when I'm happy, I don't feel the need to analyze myself or question my feelings. Right now I wish I would so that I could look back and see that I'm not ALWAYS like this.

I have a lot on my mind of late. Which, of course, is why I turn to trusty ole' blogger.

First, and foremost, David is leaving. This, of course, is causing me a great deal of anxiety and brings up a whole host of issues that I am quite frankly not ready to talk about here. So I'm going to stop here. All you need to know is that this fact is that its like a constant buzzing that's humming in the background of my life right now. I'm sure you'll have a angst ridden post about this later.

Second, because David is leaving, we can't afford to keep our apartment. Despite its problems, this apartment is my home and I am sad to leave it. This means I have to Move. I'm capitalizing Move because it is such a simple word that implies so much to me right now. Move. Eurgh. I hate moving. I'm going to make a quick list of things that I need to do before I move. Mostly for myself:

-Figure out where to store our stuff: Because we are both moving into rooms in other people's homes, we need to put the majority of our stuff into storage. This sucks. And is expensive.

- Figure out who will take our apartment: This isn't so bad. Our place is cheap. The only problem is dealing with our crazy old people landlords.

-Pack: This also sucks. We need to figure out what goes where.

- Figure out Christmas: This includes buying gifts, buying tickets to get to London, setting dates for when all this stuff happens.

-Money: this doesn't belong on a to-do list but it's here because I am stressed about it. You know how when you don't have money people are all like... the best christmas gifts are hand-made! What do you do when you don't have time or money? I have to buy tickets to go places, rent vans to move things, pay rent to live places, buy gifts to give people.... And at the same time I have to take time off work to DO all this things. Essentially making less money in order to spend more of it. AND my laptop is dying. Rapidly. I was saving money to replace it but now it seems that money will be spent on the aforementioned list. And once David leaves I will be without laptop. Joy.

So yeah, that's my list. I do kind of feel better. It's not so bad (she says, trying to convince herself).

David mentioned this to me last night, and I have to agree, but ever since I've gotten the second job, my overall life happiness level has dropped dramatically. Here's a bit of advice that should have been obvious to me in the past. Working LESS than 40 hours a week over 6 days a week is without a doubt the worst way to live your life. I am constantly broke because I don't work that much and constantly tired because I work too much. It is simply the worst of both worlds.

Saturday night I start dreading returning to work on Monday, before I've even had my one day off. And my day off is half spent sleeping in and lazing, because I never get to do that, and half spent feeling guilty for not doing anything, and half spent desperately trying to get some quality time with David that doesn't involve doing nothing after work. You may have noticed that there are too many halves there and you can interpret that as some sort of metaphore for my life. Too many halves. Hmm. I'm going to work on developing that into some sort of life theory. Too many halves. It's now the title to this posts. Done.

Okay. So it being Sunday I have now wasted half my day lazing and sleeping in. I'm going to shower and head to the studio and set up some lights I bought about a month ago in a desperate attempt at productivity before I meet up with David to spend the rest of the day in an even more desperate attempt at some quality time together. Then I will come home and stay up too late in an attempt to suck every last bit of joy out of this day off but really all I will be doing is dreading going to work tomorrow. Then I'll go to bed and be late for work which will stress me out and spend the day at work being miserable and anxious. After work I will debate going out with friends, spending quality time David or going to the studio. In the end I will dissolve into an anxious mess and convince myself that my time is best spent at home and I will do none of the above. Instead I will sit on the computer and waste time dreading going to work the next day.

And the cycle will continue.

Tune in soon for When Emily Loses It.