TIME

it's the everlasting problem in everyone's lives. time. we either have too much of it or not enough. mostly the latter, or at least thats how it is for me.

how do you devide time? the logical anwser is that you give the largest time slot to what is most important. but how do you know whats important? do you make a list, and prioritize? and what about people, can you list and proritize people? maybe some people can, but i cant... maybe it seems like i do, but i dont. there are a 168 hours a week. maybe some people know that one by heart, but i just counted it out right now. say 8 hours a night (if im lucky) goes to sleep so thats 56, i spend 31 hours at school, about 7 hours on buses. so far this leaves me with 74 hours to spare.... thats approximatly 10 hours a day...actually no, thats not right... on weekends id say im awake for about 24 hours total, give or take... so we're down to 50 hours, excluding weekends. wait... thats still 10 hours a day... how on earth do i have 10 hours a day to spare?? if i finish school at 5 and get home at 6 everynight... between 6 and 11, thats... 5 hours. so where are the other 5 hours? apparently i cant do math...

anyways, i think i had a point in the begenning... when you count hours like this, it seems like alot, but somehow i end up counting hours... in the end, i dont know what to do. in the end, it seems like i dont care but nothing is further from the truth. when did i get so much to do? when did i get so busy? it seems to have srpung up overnight and all of a sudden its like, to use the cliche, time is the precious comodity i just dont have. i hate it when i make excuses. they sound so hollow to me. i hate when people make excuses to me so i dont see why i should make them myself. i hate when im told that "im not making excuses, these are reasons". just face the facts. you screwed up, now fix it.
the only problem here is that i dont know how to fix it so that i dont screw up again. i cant make more time in a week. in order for me to make more time, i have to not do something else. but what something else is that?

GOOD GOD PEOPLE. you have no idea how freakin much i wish i could just run to a place where there is no time. no deadline, nothing needing my attention but has to have a limit. i want to be able to devote as much time as possible to whatever i want and to still have as much time as i want to do everyting else in the world that i want to do.

i dont think i can properly explain the god awfull mess my brain is in right now. and now i will slip into the more specifics. i want to do everything... i want to spend time with everyone. i want to have all the time in the world to do homework... all the time in the world to just go to class like a normal person.... in the end, i have to chose not so much by who i want to spend the most time with, because i am so increadibly sincere when i say i want to be with certain people equally, as lame and made up as it may sound, but more but by who would be more hurt if i didnt spend the time with them... or even by who asks the loudest... and i hate it. i hate having to chose. it's not fair to... well... me... and anyone else... because in the end, SOMEONE gets hurt. and i just plain and simple HATE it.

*gasp* are those names i see? good god she's naming names!! what has the world come to?? THINK OF THE CHILDREN *faints*
alex and viki, you guys both mean so much to me. i love you both so much. it kills me to have to chose between the two of you especially since i know neither of you want me to. i want to be there for both of you since you guys have always been there for me. i want to be able to just sit with you and listen to you talk for hours about whats bothering or even just happens to be on your mind at that point in time, good or bad. lately ive only been there for one of you really and i am so sorry. it has to change and i am sorry to the other for that too. i dont know how i can make oyu both believe that im not chosing one person over the other. i couldnt even if you made me (which i know you dont want to).

bleh. im no good with words. i dont know how to tell you how i feel, thats the best i could do.

i always wondered why people dont name names in these things. i think its because we dont want to give away too much of ourselves to the people out there. then why do we all use these blogs in the first place? to write our thoughts, to unload? if thats the case, then whats wrong with paper? or even just saving it to your computer. or even just keeping your blog private? personally, my theory is that a part of us wants everyone to know our thougths without the messyness of actually TELLING them to people. so why not name names? because we dont want others to know our issues? ha... everyone finds out eventually... anyways, im past caring about that now anyways. im not bigheaded enough to think that anyone other then close enough friends (who i dont give a damn about them reading this anyways) read this thing anyways, so why the hell does it matter... so here i am, breaking blogger conventions. so there.


you know, im done volleyball... i dont know what im going to do to relieve all of this wonderful stress until soccer comes along... gah...

heheh...what do i really have TIME to do, i wonder...

alright, time for me to vamoose.