viki told me to

its funny, over the past few days, ive thought of alot of things to say. but everytime i would sit down to write it, it just didnt seem right or i wasnt in a writing mood. to be honnest, i wouldnt have written anything tonight either but viki expressed a desire for me to update so i figured why not, its about time.

monday night i had work. it was the most fun ive had in a while. jasmine was closing so there were no ass-man's (the new term for assistant manager apparently) or managers around which rocked and rocked alot. we laughed quite a bit. i had piles of quotes and funny annectdotes i wanted to write in here but i seem to have forgot them all. except perhaps: "lets take all our earning in chocolate milk and fruitopia" - a disgruntled Cinnabon employee.
one day im going to write a book called the journals of a cinnabon girl. except ill change the name so i wont get sued. i work for a soleless coorporation, yay! usually books have some sort of catch phrase or slogan on the cover... well the trashy ones do, and this'll be trashy no doubt. mine will be "making the world a fatter place, one bun at a time." honnestly who gets a cinnamon bun, covers it in caramel and pecans then asks for whipped cream on top. i felt like saying "here's your heart attack in a bag" bleh...

one of the reasons i never wrote any of this was because thats the night i found out for sure about Joe (id heard something about it at work but i wasnt sure). the funny stories didnt seem so important anymore. i didnt know him that well, hardly at all actually... i was on the flag football with amanda, who used to be his girlfriend. he would come chat with us at our practices. that and id had the odd conversation with him around school. when id heard what happened the honnest to god first thing that came to mind was what a incredibly sweet guy he was. he was such an upbeat guy... i think thats what got to me the most... actually, it never REALLY hit me. no one in my life has ever died. i guess you can say ive lived a priveledged life that way. i always knew my first experience with death would be hard. i mean, i was really upset when my rabbit died. its a RABBIT for christ sakes! anyways, it didnt really sink in that he was actually gone until today. when i went to the group thing in student services, i really didnt know why i was there. i wanted to be there for my friends and to be honnest, i just felt like i needed to go. once i was there, it was like someone flicked a switch. i could barely hold in sobs. i mean, i was crying but i succceded in doing it quietly and not as much as i could have. i dont know why i cried so much or at all really. i know that a person cant take every loss they hear about to heart but i honnestly couldnt help it. i also felt guilty. who was i to be sitting there? there were people there who were in a entire world's more of pain then i have EVER been in. all i could do was be sympathetic...

i cant possibly imagine losing someone close to me... i cant possibly imagine the pain the people close to him are going through. but i can say that everyone is here for them.

sigh, i never was good with insperational.

i was going to write more but i think ive already said to much. sometimes i feel like ive put my foot in my mouth without having saod anything outloud. i dont know how that works either...