*frowns*

i feel like i have something deep to talk about. but when i really think about it, i dont.
its funny, i feel like i have alot to talk about but the more i think of it, the more i find reasons not to. its not sensoreship it just... i lose the way to explain it and with it the desire to talk about it...

the more i talk to my brother about it, the more i want to take karate. and the more i think about it, the more improbable it seems... i only have so many nights in a week and i dont know if i have enough. i have to wait until soccer is done at least. but if i do the karate, i wont be able to play volleyball or soccer over the winter. we'll just have to see if i like it or not. or if it kills me or not. oh, and i want to ski again this winter... not like before but it the same bunch as my dad. ill be 18 so ill be able to. its only one race a week and thats it. so i could do that...  oh dear... see, i dont need a boyfriend, i just dont have time for that stuff. heh. like i have a choice. people seem to think im some sort of guy magnet. the bad thing is im starting to believe it. i dont want it, and i dont want to  believe it. i dont want to start being bigheaded and it just opens the door to shitty situations. i just want to go back to being invisible and pining away after some guy who will ignore my presence and then ill feel justified in complaining. it'll be a a grand old time. its funny, i kind of want someone to not like me. christ, even joel apparently liked me. i mean, as much as i want that one person to not like me, im not going to go out of my way to be unpleasant. i want someone to not like me for me, my own personality. of course i say this NOW but when it happens ill be all insulted and unhappy. see, its impossible to please me. so i say give up. but dont. im a sucker for flattery. remember that boys, just drop a few well placed compliments and emily will fall right into your arms. initially anyways.. she'll probably come to her senses though.  blah.

you know, i look around and i see all these people head over heals with others and they're just all happy and shit. and i cant help but feel... i want that... but the thing is, in the back of my mind i half believe that i can never have it. not because people wont have me but because i just cant imagine myself being with someone who i can fall head over heals with. i get tired of people and i cant imagine a person i wouldnt get tired of. and if there is one, i havent met them yet. i want someone ill be attracted to physically and personality-wise and someone who will challenge me mentally. i want someone who will entertain me without having me to have to make all the reaching but who doesnt smother me into quietness either. its not like ive never had any of this or not that ive never been happy with another person, but ive just never had it all, there was always something in the way. in the end, im a picky person in my own way and as horrible as it sounds, i cant ever imagine someone fulfilling everything i need...

now im really disgusted with myself. i sound so... full of myself. the bottom line is that im picky. and my attention wanders easily so i need something shinny and new to catch and hold it. yes, i am simple.

 
i need to pass a test tomorrow... *whimper*

....this wont end well, i can feel it...