biting the bullet

sometimes you have to buckle down and just do what has to be done. you might not want to but you do it because its the right choice. of course its not the ONLY choice. i could make the easier choice. the one of not deciding... just go with the flow and deal with however it ends up. but i cant do that. its not right. so thats when you sit up straight, take a deep breath and bite the bullet. you make your decisions and deal with them no matter how they affect you. you do whats right in the end for you and everyone else. it may not be the funnest at that point but in the long run you know it was for the best.

my biggest fear is that this gets easier. my biggest fear is that hurting people becomes so easy its not a big deal anymore. im afraid that i get to do this so often, it will become routine. really, right now the only thing that comforts me when im forced to hurt someone right now is when i know i have no other choice. and i always feel bad after... but what if i stop feeling bad after? will i just do it whenever its the easiest alternative? i find i make more excuses for it now too. i dont like the way this is all going.

the way i see it right now is that the more people i have close to me, the higher the potential of me hurting someone. and you wonder why i like being alone... actually no, im blaming my social ineptness on something completly unrelated.

more later...



maybe....



probably not...