of resolutions...

sigh... such an excellent rant... lost forever.

why must it be like this? i didnt want to hear that i was a heartless bitch. i didnt want to hear that i make a habbit of hurting people. i wish someone would take pity on me and tell me that it was okay, people understood and that i was alright the way i am. but real change is the hardest to do so im tired of hurting people ennough to do it. ive already started somewhat... i dont know if its the right choice but its the choice where the least amount of people get hurt. its the choice that DOESNT choose the "ah fuck it" philosophy. ive decided that thats half of what gets me into these situations and since that was the attitude i had thinking about this i am instinctively rejecting it. for now, its the best i can think of. whenever i am faced with a choice that i instinctively think "why not?" to, i will reject it if there is any remote chance of someone getting hurt, no matter how appealing it looks to me personally. the thing is, i dont know why it happens. i dont know why i hurt people the way i do. i cant help but wonder if im subconsciously doing this on purpose. ive always been afraid of regretting a decision of not doing something and i get very anxious when i turn my back on a particularly adventurous event that might have hurtful consequences. like actual anxiety induced stomach pangs. im trying to think more of the consequences then of the fun i might potentially have. ive hurt enough people and im quite sick of it. its almost turned into some sort of hobby. things need to change.




im half hoping someone tells me im wrong in all of this but i deep down i know its something i need to do, no matter how unpleasant it is for me at times.
the happiness of everyone around me is more important